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PRINTED FOR 



EDINBURGH, WILLIAM PATERSON. 

LONDON, H. SOTHERAN, BAER, &■ CO. 



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Mtirray &■ Gibb, Edinburgh, 
Printers to Her Majesty's Statiwery Office. 





PREFACE. 

HIS little book has been considered 
worth republication for two reasons, — 
for its intrinsic value, and for its rarity. 
Although from 1630 to 1660 at least nine 
editions were issued, so literally have they been 
devoured by their admirers, that a copy of any 
one of them is now quite a rara avis, and the 
curious have to pay a high price for the treasured 
possession. No better proof than this could be 
afforded of the excellence of the entertainment 
provided in its enlivening pages. A more amus- 
ing budget of odd stories, clever witticisms, 
and laughter-moving tales, is not to be found in 



the 



VI Preface. 



the Jester's Library. Though it might well be 
a gathering from the repertory of the famous, 
Royal Jester whose name it now bears, his 
actual connection with it is very problematical 
indeed. The first four editions make no mention 
of the Jester's name whatever, the address to the 
reader being signed * Anonimos ; ' and the use of 
it in the fifth and sixth editions, with the insertion 
of the portrait, was evidently a mere trade device 
for furthering the sale of the book, the address to 
the reader, though professing to be by the King's 
Jester, being exactly the same as that in the 
preceding editions, and bearing the same signa- 
ture 'Anonimos.' Time has failed to unveil the 
identity of this ' Anonimos,' and it is now pre- 
sumably lost beyond recall. Perhaps, indeed, it 
may not be regarded as a matter of much conse- 
quence. The collection speaks for itself. Its 
history shows it to be the accepted representation 
of the wit and humour of the courtly and polite 



society 



Preface. VI I 

society of the time ; and that, together with its 
actual merits, is entirely sufficient to endow it 
with a lasting interest, whoever may have owned 
its parentage. 

Regarding its putative father, however, a few 
notes, some hitherto uncollected, may not be 
deemed out of place, as it is probably here that 
they will be looked for. 

Archie seems to have been caught early, the 
habits of his clan obtaining him an introduction 
to Court in the usual capacity in which Armstrongs 
figured there, and his native talent enabling him 
to utilize it to advantage. The story runs thus : 
— A border sheep -stealer, with the corpus delicti 
upon his shoulders, was tracked by the minions 
of justice to a moorland cottage, where they found 
no one but an apparently 'half-witted' lad 
vacantly rocking the cradle of some younger 
relative. The baffled officers were on the point of 
retiring, when a sudden thought instigated them 



to 



VIII 



Preface. 



to turn over the infantile couch, and to their 
amazement the sleeping innocent turned out to 
be the missing sheep. The astute but discomfited 
delinquent was at once seized upon and carried to 
Jedburgh, where James the Sixth was holding a 
Justice-aire. 

Condemned to die for his crime, Archie Arm- 
strong — for it was he — pleaded with the King that 
he was a poor ignorant man, who had but recently 
heard of the Bible, and who was desirous, for his 
soul's sake, of reading through the precious volume : 
would his Majesty's grace be pleased to respite 
him until he had done this ? The good-natured 
monarch easily acceded to the petition, on which 
Archie immediately rejoined, with a sly look, 
' Then de'il tak' me an' I ever read a word o't as 
lang as my een are open ! • The King was so 
pleased with the fellow's ready wit, that he forth- 
with employed him in his service. 

This service seems to have been, at least at 



first, 



Preface. ix 

first, that of a kind of gentleman groom of the 
chambers, preceding the King when in progress, 
and providing and superintending the royal quar- 
ters ; in which capacity we find him made a free 
burgess of the city of Aberdeen. 

Later on, however, he is spoken of simply as 
the Court fool ; and throughout the appended series 
of selections from the Calendars of State Papers, 
which supply data for the greater part of his 
Court life, all allusion to him is in that capacity. 

1 The character of the Court fool of former days is com- 
monly somewhat undervalued. Generally speaking, he was 
a compound of humour, tact, and impudence ; and ob- 
tained his title less from being, than from playing, the 
fool. In many instances, the man who wore a cap and 
bells had quite as much sense as the man who was 
decorated with a coronet. Archibald Armstrong was as 
shrewd, sensible, witty, and good-humoured an individual 
as ever filled the high station to which he had been called. 
In our times he would have probably been famous for con- 
versational pleasantry, or as a writer of facetious fiction.' * 

1 Jesse's Memoirs. 1857. 1. 312. 

b Not 



X Preface. 

Not many illustrations of Archie's talents have 
come down to us, but such as have are well 
worth repetition ; they are characterized by all 
the wit necessary for his office, but without the 
caution which should have guided his sarcasm. 

His conversation with the King in reference 
to the secret expedition of the Prince into Spain 
is much admired for its admirable wit : — ' I must 
change caps with your Majesty,' Archie said. 
* Why ? ' asked the King. * Why, who sent the 
Prince into Spain ? ' replied Archie. * But suppos- 
ing,' returned James, ' that the Prince should come 
safely back again.' ' In that case/ replied the 
Jester, ' I will take my cap from my head and 
send it to the King of Spain.' 

That Archie himself accompanied the Prince 
in his romantic expedition, can scarcely be held 
to be an objection to the probability of this 
colloquy; for though its point has been preserved, 
the exact words probably have not. To the 

gaieties 



Preface. xi 

gaieties of the Spanish capital the royal fool was 

a welcome guest, — more welcome, apparently, than 

his royal, master and his friends. In Howell's 

Letters we find : 

* Our cousin Archee hath more privilege than any, for 
he often goes with his fool's coat where the Infanta is 
with her ?neninas and ladies of honour, and keeps a blow- 
ing and a blustering among them, and flirts out what he 
lists.' 

His bold, outspoken wit lost nothing of its keen- 
ness in the southern and softer clime. A party of 
the Dons and Donas were one day discussing the 
gallantry of the Duke of Bavaria, who with a 
small force had routed a large army of James's 
son-in-law, the Palsgrave. Archie, watching his 
opportunity, suddenly exclaimed, ' Oh, I will tell 
you a stranger circumstance. Is it not more 
singular that one hundred and forty ships should 
have sailed from Spain to attack England, and that 
not ten of them should have returned to tell what 
became of the rest ? ' It is astonishing that the 

Jester 



XII 



Preface. 



Jester got off with a whole skin. Dr. Doran, in 
his Court Fools, has printed for the first time a 
most interesting and characteristic letter from 
Archie himself to his royal master the King. It 
is stated to be entirely in the handwriting of 
Buckingham, and had probably been written from 
Archie's dictation: — 

* Most great and gracious King. To let your Majesty- 
know, never was fool better accepted on by the King of 
Spain, except his own fool ; and to tell your Majesty 
secretly, I am better accepted on than he is. To let your 
Majesty know, I am sent for by this King when none of 
your own nor your son's men can come near him, — to 
the glory of God and praise of you. I shall think myself 
better and more fool than all the fools here, for aught I 
see ; yet I thank God and Christ my Saviour, and you, 
for it. Whoever could think that your Majesty kept a 
gull and an ass in me, he is a gull and an ass himself. 
To let your Majesty know, that I cannot tell you the 
thoughts of kings' hearts ; but this King is of the bravest 
colour I ever saw, yourself except. And this King will 
not let me have a trunchman. I desire your Majesty's 
help in all need, for I cannot understand him ; but I think 
myself as wise as he or any in his Court, as grave as you 
think the Spaniard is. You will write to your son and 



Buckingham, 



Preface. xm 

Buckingham, and charge them to provide me a trunch- 
man, and then you shall know from your fool, by God's 
help and Christ's help, and the Virgin Mary's, more secret 
business than from all your wise men here. My Lord 
Aston, — your Majesty shall give him thanks, — writes to 
you and to your son ; do give him thanks, for never 
kinder friend I found in this world ; his house is at my 
command, and besides he gave me white boots when my 
own trunk was not come up. I think every day of your- 
self, and of your Majesty's gracious favour ; for you will 
never be missed till you are gone, and the child that is 
unborn will say a praise for you. But I hope in God, for 
my own part, never to see it. The further I go, the more 
I see, for all that I see here are foolery to you. For 
toys and such noise as I see, with God's grace, my 
Saviour's, and your leave, I will let you know more when- 
ever I come to you ; and no more, with grief in my eyes 
and tears in my heart, and praying for your Majesty's 
happy and gracious continuous among us. Your Majesty's 
Servant, Archibald Armstrong, your X best fool of state, 
both here and there. Court of Spain, 28th April. 1623.' 



To jest with kings and princes was pardonable, 
but that archbishops should be subject to the gibe 
of the fool was not to be borne. Archie's plain 
speech and border blood frequently got the better 

of 



XIV Preface. 



of his prudence ; and in expressing too openly and 
boldly his contempt for the imperious Laud, he 
brought about his own downfall. One day, in 
presence of the prelate, he asked to say grace ; 
and being permitted, he gave forth: ' Great praise 
be to God, and little Land to the Devil.' The 
famous anti-liturgical weapon, the stool of Jenny 
Geddes, he facetiously denominated, for Laud's 
special benefit, ' the stool of repentance ; ' and 
while the religious commotions which followed the 
discharge of that well-aimed missile were causing 
considerable anxiety at Court, Laud one day, on 
his way to the Council Chamber, was assailed by 
Archie's taunting voice, exclaiming in the most 
expressive Doric, ' Wha's fule noo ? ' This was 
too much for prelatical patience. The incautious 
Jester was at once, on Laud's complaint, brought 
before the King in council. He pleaded the 
privilege of his coat, but in vain. 

In Rushworth's Historical Collections, vol. ii. pp. 



470 



Preface. XV 

470, 471, the whole circumstances are detailed 
with all due historical solemnity and length : — 

' 1637. March nth. — At this time news came from Scot- 
land, that the King's proclamation, dated 19th of February, 
published at Sniveling the beginning of March, wherein 
His Majesty declares, that he ordained the book of com- 
mon-Prayer to be compiled for edification of the King's 
subjects in Scotland, and to maintain the true religion 
already professed there. 

'And it so happened that on the nth of the said March, 
that Archibald, the King's fool, said to his Grace the Arch- 
bishop of Canterbury, as he was going to the Council 
table : Whedse feule now ? doth not your Grace hear the 
news from Striveling about the Liturgy ? with other words 
of reflection ; this was presently complained of to the 
Council, which produced this ensuing order : 

'At White-Hall the nth of March 1637. 
' Present 
1 The King's most excellent Majesty 
Lord Archbishop of Canterbury Lord Duke of Lenox 
Lord Keeper Lord Marquess of Hamilton 

Lord Treasurer Earl Marshal 

Lord Privy Seal Lord Chamberlain 

Earl of Nortlmmberland Mr. Treasurer 

Earl of Dorset Mr. Comptroller 

Earl of Salisbury Mr. Vice-Chamberlain 

Earl of Hollaiid Mr. Secretary Cook 

Lord Newburgh Mr. Secretary Windebanke 



It 



XVI 



Preface. 



1 It is this day ordered by His Majesty, with the advice 
of the Board, that Archibald Armestrong, the King's Fool, 
for certain scandalous words of a high nature, spoken by 
him against the Lord Arch-Bishop of Canterbury his 
Grace, and proved to be uttered by him by two witnesses, 
shall have his coat pulled over his head, and be dis- 
charged of the King's service, and banished the Court ; 
for which the Lord Chamberlain of the King's House- 
hold is prayed and required to give order to be executed. 
And immediately the same was put in execution.' 

In the Strafford Papers, vol. ii., there is a more 

graphic account of this interesting episode :— 

1 " Archy," writes Mr. Garrard to Lord Strafford of date 
20th March 1637, " is fallen into a great misfortune ; a 
fool he would be, but a foul-mouthed knave he has proved 
himself. Being in a Tavern in Westminster drunk (he 
says himself he was speaking of the Scottish business), 
he fell a railing on my Lord of Canterbury ; said he was a 
monk, a rogue, and a traitor. Of this his Grace complained 
at Council, the King being present : it was ordered he 
should be carried to the porter's lodge, his coat pulled 
over his ears, and kicked out of the Court, never to enter 
within the gates, and to be called into the Star Chamber. 
The first part is done, but my Lord of Canterbury hath 
interceeded to the King, that there it should end. There 
is a new fool in his place, Muckle John, but he will ne'er 
be so rich, for he cannot abide money." ' 



Contemporary 



Preface. XVII 

Contemporary opinion regarding the quarrel, 

and Laud's wretched vindictiveness in attempting 

to drag the poor Jester before the dreaded Star 

Chamber, may be gathered from the following 

passage in Osborne's Advice to his Son, Part ii.: — 

1 I shall instance as a blot in the greatest rochet that 
did in my time appear in the Court of England, or indeed 
any I ever heard of since the Reformation, who managed 
a quarrel with Archy the King's fool, and by endeavouring 
to explode him the Court, rendered him, at last, so con- 
siderable, by calling the Prelate's enemies (which were not 
a few) to his rescue, as the fellow was not only able to 
continue the dispute for divers years, but received such 
encouragements from standers-by as he hath oft, in my 
hearing, belched in his face such miscarriages as he was 
really guilty of, and might, but for this foul-mouthed Scot, 
have been forgotten ; adding such other reproaches of his 
own as the dignity of his calling and greatness of his parts 
could not in reason or manners admit ; though so far 
hoodwinked with passion as not to discern that all the fool 
did was but a symptom of the strong and inveterate dis- 
temper raised long before in the hearts of his countrymen 
against the calling of bishops, out of whose former ruins, 
the major part of the Scottish nobility had feathered, if 
not built their nests. Nor did this too low-placed anger 
lead him into a less absurdity than an endeavour to bring 



him 



XVIII 



Preface. 



him into the Star Chamber, till the Lord Coventry had, 
by acquainting him with the privelege of a fool, shown 
the ridiculousness of the attempt ; yet, not satisfied, he, 
through the mediation of the Queen, got him at last dis- 
charged the Court.' 

Though bereft of his coat, the Jester's occupa- 
tion was not gone ; his spirit remained still un- 
subdued, and his tongue wagged as freely and 
saucily as ever. The parting shot is excellent. 
The writer of the Scout's Discovery met Archie a 
week after his dismissal at the Abbey of West- 
minster, ' all in black.' 

' Alas ! poor fool, thought I, he mourns for his country. 
I asked him about his coat. O, quoth he, my Lord of 
Canterbury hath taken it from me, because either he or 
some of the Scots bishops may have use for it themselves, 
but he hath given me a black coat for it, to colour my 
knavery with ; and now I may speak what I please, so it be 
not against the prelates, for this coat hath a far greater 
privilege than the other had/ 

In connection with this curious passage in the 
history of the Archbishop, the appended reprint of 



the 






Preface. XIX 

the very rare pamphlet, entitled Archie's Dream, 
may be regarded with some interest, though it is 
destitute of any literary value. It seems a genuine 
production of the outspoken Jester, who could not 
refrain even in his retirement, and when the object 
of his enmity was powerless and in prison, from 
venting his spleen against the author of his cer- 
tainly undeserved disgrace. 

In the matter of money our fool was anything 
but a fool : 

1 Archee, by Kings and Princes, graced of late, 
Jested himself into a fair estate/ 

Indeed the accompanying extracts from the 
Calendars of State Papers suggest the question 
whether in money matters he was not more knave 
than fool. Anyhow, with pensions, gratuities (see 
p. 48), and other things, Archie had contrived to 
feather his nest so well before his compulsory 
retirement, that on his return to his native 
Arthuret, in Cumberland, he became a landed 

proprietor, 



XX 



Preface. 



proprietor, 1 and flourished there, in spite of his 
disgrace, to a green old age. The following ex- 
tracts from the parish register of Arthuret, as 
quoted by Lysons in his Magna Britannia, tell 
their own tale : 

* Francis, the base Son of Archibald Armstrong 

baptised, December 17, 1643.' 

' Archibald Armstrong and Sybella Bell 

married June 4, 1646.' 

* Archibald Armstrong, buried April 1st, 1672.' 



T. H. JAMIESON. 



Advocates' Library, 
April 1872. 



1 Vide a rare poetical tract, entitled Thefatall Nuptiall or 
M our nfull Marriage, 1636, quoted in an article on the Jests 
in the London Magazine for September 1824 : 

' And Archee, that rich foole, when hee least dreames, 
For purchast lands, must be possest of streames.' 



I. COLLECTION 



Preface. XXI 



I. 



COLLECTION OF EXTRACTS FROM THE CALENDARS OF 
STATE PAPERS, DOMESTIC SERIES, RELATING TO 
ARCHIBALD ARMSTRONG. 



l6ll-l8. 

P. 31. May i6th,i6u. — Grant to Arch. Armstrong of pension 
of 2s. pr. diem during pleasure. [Docquet.] 

„ 46. June 19th, 161 1. — Grant to Arch. Armstrong of a 
pension of 2s. pr. diem for life. [Doquet.] 

„ 80. Oct. 12th, 161 1. — Sir Thos. Lake to Hen. Lord 
Clifford forwards letters &c. for Sir Robt. Shirley 
and for Dr. Jonas' expenses. His Majesty heard 
of his care for Archy's coat (the Court fool) which 
is like to make sport. 

„ 179. Apr. 2d, 161 3. — Warrant for delivery of a coat &c. to 
Archibald Armstrong. [Docquet.] 

„ 523. Febr. 23d, 161 8. — H. M. was displeased with him 
(Sec. Lake) a little while ago, for sending a petition 
through Archy the fool, in favour of a recusant. 

P. 566. 



XXII 



Preface. 



P. 566. Aug. 20th, 161 8 And Archy has one (sc. 

patent) for the making of tobacco-pipes. 



1619-23. 

75. Sept. nth, 1619. — .... Chamberlain to Carleton 
.... The earl of Northampton, of whom Archy 
(the court fool) said that now the earl had got 
what he wanted, His Majesty might see what 
account he made of him and his followers. 

$13. March 6, 1623 List of household officers 

appointed to follow the prince to Spain, among 
whom Archy is one. 

539. March 26, 1623. — Sec. Calvert to Sec. Conway. 

.... Archy the fool wishes to have a servant 
allowed, but the Privy Chamber gentlemen will 
complain still more if the fool is allowed the same 
attendance as they. 

540. March 26, 1623. — Sec. Conway to Sec. Calvert. 

Three of Buckingham's men and two Spaniards 
are to go to Spain. Archy's man is not to go. 



1623-25. 

94. Oct. n, 1623. — Chamberlain to Carleton 

Tobie Matthew has returned with the prince. He 
was so vexed with encounters in Spain with Archie 
(the fool) that once at dinner he left the table. 



P. no. 



Preface. XXIII 

P. no. Nov. 15, 1623. — Same to same He(SirTobie 

Matthew) was present at the late audiences also, 
where his friend Archy was very gay, in a rich suit 
given him by Conde Olivarez. 

„ in. Novr. 1623. — Inventory of apparel and other goods 
belonging to Archy (the fool), including apparel 
of the Spanish fashion which he had from Gon- 
domar. 

„ 113. Nov. 17? — Sir Edw. Zouch to Lord (Zouch) 

Dares not write what Archy the fool said about 
the Spanish match. 

1625-26. 

„ 526. 1626? — Wm. Belou to Sec. Conway. He has been 
worse used than a natural fool, witness Tom Duri ; 
than a counterfeit, witness Archie Armstrong, who 
has shown Belou that the king has given such 
special direction for his payment that he is better 
off than he was in the late king's time, whilst the 
writer cannot receive a penny. 

1627-28. 

„ 212. June nth, 1627. — R. Mason to Nicholas .... 
Dinner passed away with as much mirth as Sir 
Robert Deall, the fool Archie, and the Duke's 
musicians could make. 



1628-29. 



XXIV 



Preface. 



1628-29. 

P. 393- Nov. 24, 1628. — Archibald Armstrong to James Earl 
of Carlisle. Thinks it grievous long till the earl 
be at home again, and his wife's [longing] is 
greater, if greater can be. No man was ever sent 
a worse ill-favoured journey afore, which many 
times Archie has freely let the King and the 
Council know, and thanks be to God he feared 
no man at all. The greatest enemy of three Kings 
is gone ; — he praises God for it. The next day 
after, being Sunday, his boy was born. Refusing 
the King and the Lord Steward, he only chose 
the Lord Chamberlain, for the King of Spain's 
sake ; wherefore he made him a Philip, with con- 
sent of the other godfathers, Lord Holland, the 
Lord Keeper, with the Duchess of Richmond and 
the Countess of Somerset, and he told the King 
and all the company as he had lost one friend 
he gained other. The Earl is now come to be 
Lord Chamberlain, which was his due long ago. 
Lord Weston, as the Earl wished seven years 
since, is Lord Treasurer, and drinks the Earl's 
health many times. His prayers and those of his 
wife and children for the Earl's safe coming home. 



1635. 



Preface. XXV 



1635. 
P. 245. July 3, 1635. — Account of receipts and payments of 
the Exchequer from 26th June last to this date 
. . . . ;£i8 5s. to Archibald Armstrong. 

1637-38. 

,, 448. May 23d, 1638. — William Grimes and Agnes his wife, 
sister to Archibald Armstrong, late his Majesty's 
jester, by petition complained that Archibald 14 
years since possessed himself of the estates of 
James Armstrong, his brother, to a great value, 
out of which there was given to Agnes £60, to her 
son ^30, and ^30 more for the ' crowner's ' fees 
and burial. Archibald, by the power and coun- 
tenance of his coat and prince [place ?], has hitherto 
detained the money from Agnes and petitioner 
Grimes, who for three years have in these parts 
and in Ireland waited upon Archibald, in hope by 
fair means to get satisfaction, and accordingly 
Archibald in Ireland promised to settle petitioner 
in 100 acres of land, part of 1000 acres which his 
Majesty had bestowed on him, but now refuses. 
It was ordered that Henry Lide and Peter Hey- 
wood, justices of peace for Westminster, call the 
parties before them and make a final end of the 
difference, or else certify the Board. [Draft i| p.] 

d 1638-9. 



XXVI 



-,-. 



Preface. 



1638-9. 

P. 220. Report of the referee of the Lords of the Council, 
directed to enquire concerning debts due by Dr. 
John Scott, Dean of York. One of the debts in 
question was ^200 due by bond to Archibald 
Armstrong. The referee reports that Armstrong- 
received from the Dean four acquittances of ^50 
each, for rent of the tithes of Pickering payable by 
the Earl of Danby, and that under an order of the 
Lords of 15th May 1637 Armstrong received one 
payment of ,£50, but on the 7th June 1637 that 
order was revoked, as obtained by ' surreption,' 
and as being contrary to an order of the 14th Febr. 
before, • which is the true state of that business.' 



II. 



Preface. XX VI I 



II. 



LIST OF THE EDITIONS OF THE BANQUET OF JESTS, FROM 
HAZLITT'S ' HANDBOOK TO EARLY ENGLISH LITERATURE.' 

(a) A Banquet of Jeasts or Change of Cheare. Being a 

collection of Moderne Jests. Witty jeeres. Pleasant 
Taunts. Merry Tales. Never before imprinted. 
London, Printed for Richard Royston, and are to 
be sold at his shop in Ivie-Lane next the Exchequer- 
Office. 1630. 8vo, 107 leaves. Bodleian (Burton's 
books). 

Licensed to R. Royston, May 10, 1630. 

(b) A Banqvet of Jests, or Change of Cheare &c. The 

Fourth Impression, with Many Additions. London, 
Printed for Richard Royston, and are to be sold at 
his Shoppe in Ivie-Lane next the Exchequer- Office. 
1634. 1 2mo, 120 leaves. [The fourth edition contains 
234 pages, besides 14 of preliminary matter, and 12 
more of contents or index.] 

(c) London, Printed for Richard Royston &c. 1636. 8vo. 

[pp. x, 338.] 

Rodd's Cat, 1821, £7 .7 /. 



00 



XXVIII 



Preface. 



{d) London, Printed for Richard Royston, &c. 1640. i2mo. 
[In two Bookes. The sixth Edition, much enlarged 
for the delight of the Reader, pp. x, 338.] 

{e) London, Printed for Richard Royston, &c. 1642. i2mo. 

(/) A Banquet of Jests, &c. 

Advertised at the end of a work printed in 1665 as on 
sale by R. Royston. This appears to have been 
some edition not known to us. 

(g) The last edition, much enlarged. London, Printed for 
R. Royston, at the Angell in Ivy Lane. 1657. Sm. 
8vo, K 3, in twelves. With a whole length portrait of 
Archee by T. Cecill, which forms the last leaf of A. 

Two editions of another similar publication are also quoted 
by Hazlitt :— 

(k) Archees Jests found in his Closet after his decease. 1660. 
8vo. With a portrait by Gaywood. 

(0 A Choice Banquet of Witty Jests, Rare Fancies, and 
Pleasant Novels. Fitted for all the lovers of Wit, 
Mirth, and Eloquence. Being an Addition to Archee's 
Jests. Taken out of his Closet ; but never published 
by him in his life time. Printed for Peter Dring, 
1665. 8vo. 

[In the British Museum there is also : A choice Banquet of 
witty jests [&c. &c] [edited by J. G.] Lond. 1660. 
8vo.] 



The 



Preface. XXIX 

The first edition of the ' Banquet of Jests' consists of 195 
articles, the fourth of 261 ; out of which number 91 are 
altogether new, 26 of them being substitutions for the same 
number originally given in the copies of 1630, but subse- 
quently withdrawn. In the fourth edition, in addition to a 
metrical address from the printer (retained and adapted in 
the later issues, whereby the reader of each edition is assured 
that it is much more refined than its predecessors), Royston 
himself, as stationer, has a few lines in prose to point out the 
merits of the new edition to his courteous readers : ' You 
shall receive it not onely purged from many grosse faults 
formerly escaped in the presse, but refined and cleansed from 
all such course passages as were inserted and exposed to 
your view without his consent who first collected them; in 
recompence of which, for every one subtracted, you shall 
finde here more than ten added, never till now published, 
and in this kinde made common. The restraint of that 
liberty of which hee before complained, is now redeemed, as 
shall appeare by the new collections here inserted. May 
his care and my cost breed thee in their perusall as much 
pleasure as I wish unto my selfe profit. Vale. R. R.' 



The following reprint has been carefully made from the 
fifth and sixth editions, in the former of which appeared for 
the first time the portrait, a copy of which is prefixed. 











> 






BANQVET 






Of Jests. 






OR 






A COLLECTION OF 






Court 








Camp 

Colledge 

Citie 


> lefts. 






Country ) 




In two Bookes. 


The fixth Edition , much enlarged 
for the delight of the Reader. 


LONDON, 




Printed for Richard Roy ft on, and 

are to be fold at his Shoppe 

in Ivie-Lane at the figne 

of the Angell 1 640. 











W$i' 





THE 

KINGS JESTER 

TO 

THE READER. 

O you (of all sorts) that shall vouch- 
safe the perusall of these few sheetes, 
bound up in a small volume, I pre- 
pare you to expect no more in this collection of 
Jests, than the Title page promiseth, wherein is 
nothing earnest, saving a pledge of my good 
meaning toward you. If you looke that I should 
feast your Senses, or banquet your particular 
Pallates, these papers will much deceive you : 
For in the steed of Dainties, you shall find 
Dicteria ; for Junkets, joci ; and for curious 



Sallets, 



Vlll 



The Kings Jester to the Reader. 



Sallets, Sales. Onely they are passages of mirth, 
fit to entertaine time, and employ leasured 
houres, when they cannot be more seriously and 
profitably imployed. So milde and gentle they 
are in their condition, that as they barke at 
none, so they bite not any : and therefore you 
may sport with them freely and safely. Now 
if some out of their curiositie shall dispise them 
for their commonnesse, I must then retire my 
selfe to the refuge of that old Adage, Bona quo 
communia eo meliora : If they prove good, they 
cannot be too common. Againe, if any shall 
object and say, that I know that, and this I 
haue heard related ; those I thus answer : If 
many have heard some of them, yet few or none 
(I dare presume) all. Besides, I doe not chal- 
lenge them for my owne, but gathered from the 
mouthes of others ; and what is stale to mee, 
may be to thee new. Accept them then as 
courteously as they are offered to thy perusall 



willingly, 



The King's Jester to the Reader. ix 

willingly, to make them familiar unto such to 
whom they are meerely forraine, and to recol- 
lect the memories of those to whom they have 
beene knowne, but since forgotten. I must in- 
genuously confesse unto you, that had not the 
Licence curbed my liberty, the leaves of this 
booke had beene more in tale, and the Jests 
(for I know not how more properly to stile 
them) greater in number : but as they are (for 
otherwise now they cannot be) if they be well 
accepted, I acknowledge them too few, but if 
not well received, by many, too many. 



Anonymos. 



The 




The Printer to the Reader. 

^INCE Reader / before have found thee kinde, 

Expect this sixth Impression much refinde. 
The coorser Cates, that might the feast disgrace ; 
Left out: And better servd in, in their place. 
Pasquels Conceits are poore, and Scoggins drie, 
Skeltons meere rime, once read, but now laid by. 
Peelds Jests are old, and Tarletons are growne 

stale. 
These neither barke, nor bite, nor scratch, nor 

raile. 
Banquets were made for laughter, not for Teares. 
Such are these sportive Taunts, Tales, Jests, and 

Jeeres. 



TO 




TO 

The Peruser of this 

Booke. 



JyTZHO ere thou be, that comm'st to reade this 
Booke, 
Come with a minde prepaid to smile. 
Or else be gone, 
For Jiere are none. 
But toyes, loose houres to beguile. 
And when tttart come, cast no disdainfull looke, 
Nor looke of scorne upo?i our Lines : 
For soone wee may, 
Percliance repay 
Such scorne into that face of thine. 

But 



Xll 



To the Peruser of this Booke. 



But if thou caust sport at a harmelesse Jest ; 
If tJiou canst laugh {all frozunes forgot,) 
If thou canst play. 
With what we say, 
And passe by that which likes thee not; 
If no vaine haughty pride raigne in thy brest, 
If thy cleane heart is purgd from gall ; 
Then reade, tis free, 
For such as thee, 
To laugh, to sport, and play withall. 



COVRT JESTS. 

Lib. I. Part I. 




On a Court Lady. 



COURT Lady at dinner, \On a 

; Court 

amongst divers gallants, speak- Lady. 



ing of her age, said, she was 
but forty yeares old. When presently one 
of them rounded his next neighbour in 
the yeare : it would require (saith he) a 
stronger faith, than I have in me to 
beleeve this. But hee made answer, I 
must needs beleeve her, for, I have lieard 
Jier say so, any time these ten yeares. 



Of 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part I. 



Of a 
Country 
Gentle- 
man Com- 
?ning to 
Court. 



Of a Country Gentleman Com- 
ming to Court. 

A COUNTRY Gentleman comming 
to enquire for one Mr. Wiseman, 
his Kinsman, who lived in Court, and be- 
longed to the King, went bluntly to the 
Guard-Chamber, and speaking to him that 
kept the doore : I pray you Sir : till me 
(saith hee) Is there not one Wiseman 
among you ? Who answered, no indeed 
Sir, you had best enquire of the Queenes 
side. 



A Noble- 
man in 
his Gal- 
lery. 



A Nobleman in his Gallery. 

A GENTLEMAN admitted to walke 

with a Nobleman in his Gallery, 

after many commendations of the pictures 



there 



Court.'] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



there hanging, for the best he had seene, 
had leave given him to chuse where he 
would, and it should be his owne. The 
Gentleman espying a faire Table, wherein 
the ten Commandements were curiously 
drawne in golden letters, even this (saith 
hee) so please your Lordship, shall be my 
choice ; for this likes my fancie best. 
But the Lord recalling himselfe, answered ; 
that onely I forgot to except ; for I have 
vowed, and vowed by mine Honour, these 
ten Commandements shall never goe from 
me. Well (quoth the Gentleman) doe 
what you can, I assure your Lordship, 
you shall never keepe them. 



One 



Merry Tales. 



[Part I. 



One tra- 
velling to 
Rome. 



One travelling to Rome. 

A N English Gentleman having tra- 
velled as farre as Rome, was by 
the mediation of some friends there resi- 
dent, admitted with his man into the 
Popes presence ; to whom his Holinesse 
offered his foote to kisse, which the 
Gentleman did with great submission, and 
reverence. His man seeing it, and not 
before acquainted with the like Ceremony, 
presently makes what speed hee can, to 
get out of the Presence : which some of 
the waiters espying, and suspecting his 
hast, stayd him, demanding withall, the 
reason why hee kept such adoe to be 
gone. But the more they importun'd him, 
the more hee prest to get away. At 
length being further urg'd ; why (sayes 
he) if they compell my Master being a 



Gentleman 



Court.] 



Modcrne Jests. 



Gentleman to kisse the Popes foot, 1 
have a shrewd suspition, what part they 
will make me kisse, being but his Serving 
mail. 



On a Flatterer. 



'TWO Gentlemen, notable for their 
activity, jump'd before King James; 
and when they had strained to the 
utmost they could, and reached a vast 
way ; the King jestingly said, Is this 
your best ? when I was a young man, 
I would have out-leaped this my selfe. 
An old Court -Earewigge standing by, 
and glad of any occasion to ingratiate 
himselfe, said, that you would Sir, I have 
seene your Majestie leape much further, 
O' my soule (quoth the King, as his 
usuall phrase was) thou lyest : / would 



On a 

Flatterer. 



indeed 



Witty Jeeres. 



[Part I. 



An 

Epitaph. 



To chuse 
a Wife. 



indeed have leaped further, bat I never 
could leape so farre by two or three feete. 



o 



An Epitaph. 

NE Mr. Dombelow died of the winde 
Collicke, on whom was writ this 
Epitaph, 

jDead is Dicke Dum below. 
Would you the reason know : 
Could his taile have but spoken, 
His stout-heart had not broken. 



To chuse a Wife. 

/^vNE being disswaded from marrying 
such a woman, because she was 



I no wiser, replied, I desire that my wife 
should have no more wit, than to be able 
to distinguish my bed from another mans. 



A 



Court. J 



Pleasant Taunts. 



A Gentleman Knighted. 

TT' I N G James about to Knight a 
Scottish Gentleman, asked his 
name, who made answer, his name was 
Everard rudry hudrinblas triplin hipplas. 
How, how quoth the King. Replyes the 
Gentleman, as before, Everard rudry 
hudrinblas triplin hipplas. The King 
not able to retaine in memory, so long, 
and withall confusedly heap'd up name ; 
prethee (saith he) rise up, and call 
thy selfe Sir, what thou wilt, and so 
dismissed him. 



A Gentle- 
man 
Knighted. 



On a Courtier. 



/^NE of our Scarlet Courtiers lighting 

from his great prancing horse at 

the Court gate, called to one that stood 



On a 
Courtier. 



by, 



Merry Tales. 



[Part I. 



An 
Epitaph. 



by, and bid him hold his horse, whilst 
he walked into the Court : The man 
seem'd afraid of the beast, and asked 
him, if hee was not unruly, and whether 
one man might hold him or no ; hee 
answered yes very easily. Nay then 
(saith he) If it be but one mans worke, I 
would wish you to doe it your selfe ; for I 
have other businesse than to walke horses. 

An Epitaph. 

TT7"HEN the Lord Chiefe Justice 
Flimming, both a learned and 
mercifull Gentleman, deceased, a pleasant 
fellow sported thus in a short Epitaph 
upon him. 

Justice is dead, that was of Justice 
chiefe, 



Who 



Court.] 



Modcrne Jests. 



Who never haug'd a true man for a 
thiefe, 

Nor ever was condemned for con- 
demning, 

Borne here in England, yet lie dyd a 
F lemming. 



Pictures hanged. 

A PHANTASTICKE Gentleman 
having bespoke divers Pictures to 
furnish a Gallery : when the Limner 
brought them home, hee would presently 
dispose them in their severall places. 
Here (saith he) hang this, here that, and 
there that ; but at this end, in full view 
of the doore, will I be hang'd my selfe. 



Pictures 
hanged. 



On 



10 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part I. 



On a 
Gentle- 
man and 
his Mis- 
tresse. 



On a Gentleman, and his 
Mistresse. 

A GENTLEMAN, playing on the 
Lute, under his Mistresse window ; 
she disdaining his presence, and despising 
his Service, caused her servants to polt 
him thence with stones : of which disgrace 
complaining afterwards to a friend of his, 
his friend told him, that he had much 
mistaken the gentle woman ; for what 
greater grace could she doe to your 
Musicke, than to make the very stones 
dance about you, as they did to Orpheus. 



Court?\ 



Pleasant Taunts. 



I I 



A famous Painter. 

1\ yTICHAEL ANGELO, the famous 
Italian Painter, wrought all those 
peeces, or the most part of them, that are 
now to be seene in Saint Peters Church ; 
and working privately, with a curtaine be- 
fore him, as not willing his Tables should 
be seene, till his Novissima marine had been 
upon them, and that they were compleat 
and perfect : being at that time about the 
resurrection, and last Judgement, where 
the Elect were on one side, and the Re- 
probate on the other ; he had observed a 
Priest, who would still be prying into his 
worke : wherefore to be revenged on him, 
hee thought no fitter occasion or meanes, 
than to draw his face to the life amongst 
the damned, which he did with such Art & 
curiositie, that when his worke was set up, 



A famous 
Painter. 



and 



12 Merry Tales. {Part I . 



and publikely seene, there was not any 
that knew the Priest, but easily perceived 
it personated him : for which he grew to 
be a derision, and by-word amongst the 
people ; insomuch that they would say to 
his face ; he was in Angeloes Hell already : 
for which hee made a great complaint to 
the Clergie, and at length petitioned to 
the Pope himselfe, that his face might be 
taken from thence, and another put in 
place. To whom the Pope gave answer, 
that hee must necessarily excuse him in 
the businesse : for true it was, that if 
Angelo had put him into Purgatorie, he 
then had power in himselfe to have released 
him thence, but being it was into hell y it 
was beyond his jurisdiction, for Ex in- 
feris nulla redemptio, out of hell there is no 
redemption. 



Court."] 



Modeme Jests. 



13 



A horse pissing into the River. 

A COURTIER, whose horse by 
chance pissed into the River, said, 
his Nag was like his Master : for the Em- 
perour never conferred his Largesses on 
any, but those, whose fortunes overflowed, 
or were at least full alreadv. 



The King a Hunting. 

HTHE King one day retiring from 
hunting, to refresh himselfe, and 
followers, leaned, or rather sate on a fat 
corpulent Gentleman, somewhat to his 
disease, who boldly bespake him in these 
words : I beseech your Majestie leane not 
too hard on your cushion, least you make 
the feathers fly out. 



A horse 
pissing 
into the 
River. 



The King 
a Hunt- 



H 



Witty Jeeres. 



{Part I. 



A Re 

roote. 



A Rape roote. 

A POOR Country fellow, who lived 
by Gardening and felling rootes, 
hearing the Emperour was a great gallant 
man ; hee and his wife thought, according 
to the little portion of their wits, to pre- 
sent him with some Rape rootes, as they 
used to doe their Landlord. When pre- 
sently to that purpose, she provided a 
copetent company of faire and large ones, 
and delivered them to her husband, who 
betooke himselfe to his journey for Court. 
But by the way hunger provoking him, 
and the fairenesse of the rootes enticing 
him, hee eate them up all, but one ex- 
ceeding faire one, which he preserved for 
his present. At length he got to Court, 
and asked for the Emperour: some Noble- 
men by chance standing by asked him, 



what 



Court?\ 



Pleasant Taunts. 



15 



what hee would have with him ; he sayd 
he had a Rape roote for him : the Cour- 
tiers willing to prosecute the humour, for 
the mirth, that might ensue, had him 
before his highnesse, who when he had 
smiled a while at his folly, received his 
roote, and charged, that a thousand 
markes should be given him. A certaine 
Courtier hearing of the Emperours libe- 
ralitie, thought he would taste it too, 
casting thus with himselfe ; if he give a 
Country clowne a 1000 markes for a 
poore roote, what will he give a gallant 
Courtier for a good nag ? wherefore 
watching his oppertunitie, hee presented 
him with a horse. The Emperour senting 
out his purpose, and in it, whispered to 
one of his bed-chamber, and bid him 
fetch such a thing, which when the Mes- 
senger had done, here (saith he) to the 



gentleman, 



i6 



Merry Tales. 



IP art I. 



gentleman, calling him by his name ; your 
lucke is good, for that I bestow upon you 
a Jewel, here, which cost me a thousand 
markes, but the other day : the Courtier 
over-joyed after submissive reverence, and 
thankes given hasted to his fellowes, who 
flocked about him, to congratulate his 
good successe : where gently opening the 
paper, there was nothing in it but a dry 
Rape roote ; whereat all the company 
laughed heartily ; and the Gallant parted 
with his Gennet, for had I wist. 

An Abominable truth. 



An Abo- 
minable 
truth. 



A NOTABLE braggard boasted how 

it was his chance to meete with 

two of his Arch-enemies at once : the 

one (saith he) I tost so high in the ayre, 

that had he had at his backe a Bakars 



basket 



Court.] 



Moderne Jests. 



17 



basket full of bread, though he had eaten 
all the way, hee would have beene starved 
in his fall, ere he had reacht the ground : 
the other he struck so deepe into the 
earth, that he left no more of him to be 
seene above ground but his head and one 
of his armes, and those to no other end, 
than to put off his hat to him, as he had 
occasion to passe that way. 



Of one Fowle a Gentleman. 

/^\NE Fowle by name, petitioning to a 
great man in this kingdome, was 
a long while delayed. At length some- 
what importunate, he stirred the Noble- 
mans patience so farre, that in a great 
rage he bad him get him gone, for a 
Woodcock as he was : at which the Peti- 
tioner smiling, humbly thanked his Lord- 



Ofonc 
Fowle a 
Gentle- 



ship 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part I. 



A Gentle- 
man 
Knighted. 



ship for that present curtesie : the Lord 
turning backe and supposing he had 
flouted, asked him what curtesie ? Why 
truely my Lord (quoth he) I have knowne 
my selfe a Fowle these fifty yeares and up- 
wards, but never knew what Fowle, till 
now your Lordship resolved me : his 
answere pleased, and his suite was dis- 
patcht with all possible speede. 

A Gentleman Knighted. 

^\NE being presented to King James 
to receive the Order of Knight- 
hood, came with a huge double Ruffe, 
of which the King taking notice : as 
he was ready to lay the sword on his 
shoulder, without demanding his name, 
spake to his band onely, and sayd, Rise 
tip Ruffe, and goe to thy Ruffe, for thy 
Ruffes Ruffe hath a Ruffe. 



On 



Court. 



Pleasant Taunt* 



19 



On a fantasticke Gentleman. 

A FANTASTICKE Gallant Courting 
a faire wittie Gentlewoman, at 
every second word of his protestation, he 
would be pawning his soule. She having 
a while listned to his vile language, at 
last wished him, the next time he came 
that way, To bring another pawne ; for 
she greatly feard that was forfeit already. 



On a Dwarfe. 

A DWARFE was observed all sum- 
mer long, never to walke abroad 
without a Nosgay in his hand, nor in 
winter but with a paire of perfumed 
gloves. One that had long noted it, de- 
manded of a Gentleman a friend of his, 
what he thought the reason thereof might 



On a fan- 
tasticke 

Gentle- 
man. 



On a 

Divarfe. 



be 



20 



Merry Tales. 



[Part I. 



On 

S. P. Q. R. 



be ; to whom he answered that in his 
opinion he did it not without great advise- 
ment and consideration. For (saith he) 
most necessary it is, that he should still 
carry some sweete thing in his hand, to 
smell too, whose nose is levell zvith every 
mans taile, that he followeth. 

On S. P. Q. R. 

A JEST touching these letters, S. P. 
Q. R. Senatus, Populus-que Ro- 
manus. It so happened, that a new Pope 
being elected, meerely for his devotion, 
and austeritie of life, as using an extra- 
ordinary spare dyet, and seldome seene 
so much as to smile ; yet after his Inaugu- 
ration, comming to sit in Pontificalibus, he 
used to feede high, to laugh heartily, and 
to countenance Jesters, and Bufibones to 

make 



Court.' 



Moderne Jests. 



21 



make him merry at his Table, which being 
observed, one sets up these foure words, 
being correspondent to the foure former 
letters, Sancte Pater Quare Rides ? Holy 
father why doe you laugh ? Under which 
next day was written, Ridco quia Papa 
sum, I laugh because I am Pope. 



On a Painted face. 

A LADY, that used to Playster her 
face extreamely, so by Art, to re- 
paire the decayes of nature, was on a 
time, with divers others, invited abroad 
to dinner. But one of them an acquaint- 
ance of hers, wish'd her by no meanes to 
goe : Why (quoth my Lady) ? marry (re- 
plies the Gentleman) tis ten to one we 
shall be wondrous merry, and you cannot 
well laugh, for fear e of shelving two faces. 



On a 

Painted 
face. 



On 



22 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part I. 



On the 
same. 



npi 



One beggd 
for afoole. 



On the same. 

HE same Lady told a Gentleman 
she desired much to have her 
Picture done to the life : why tis done 
(saith he) to the life already. When she 
demanded where ; even under your maske 
(quoth the Gentleman), for I am confident 
Madam, all the Limners in Towne, with 
their best skill, cannot produce you, So 
lively Painted againe. 

One beggd for a foole. 

A FOOLISH young Gentleman, son 
to a wise and well-reputed Knight, 
after his fathers decease, was begg'd for 
a foole, and summoned to the Court of 
Wards for his answer. When question 
was made to him, what hee could say for 

himselfe, 



Court] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



23 



himselfe, why his Lands should not be 
taken from him, hee answered, Why may 
not I a foole, beget a wise man to inherit 
after me, as well as my Father being a 
wise man, begot me a foole ? His answere 
carried it, and -the demeanes were con- 
firmed to him and his heires, who are 
possessed of them unto this day. 

Of Bishop Bonner. 

\\ THEN Henry the eight dispatched 
Bishop Bonner as Embassadour 
to Francis the first, King of France; 
being at that time greatly incensed, he 
uttered many harsh words against the 
French King ; and in these, and no other, 
I charge thee (saith he) deliver thine 
Embassie : but the Bishop made answere, 
Sir if I shall salute him in such grosse 



0/ Bishop 
Bonner. 



and 



24 



Merry Tales. 



[Part I. 



and dispightfull termes, and in his own 
Court too, forgetting the title of an Em- 
bassadour, he can doe no lesse than take 
off my head. Thy head ? (replyed the 
King) if he shall dare to offer it, twenty 
thousand of his subjects heads shall an- 
swer for that of thine. I, but, sayes the 
Bishop, by your Majesties favour, / am 
doubtfull whether any of all those heads 
can fit my shoulders, so well as that I have 
on. At which words the King somewhat 
pacified, gave him leave to deliver his 
message, in what language he thought 
best. 



An Office 
in Rever- 
sion. 



An Office in Reversion. 

GREAT man in this Kingdome, of 
a temperate, and spare dyet, and 
accustomed to take much physicke, had 



A 



the 



Court.] 



Moderne Jests. 



25 



the reversion of another mans office, who 
was exceeding fat, and corpulent, and 
loved to drinke deepe, and to feede high : 
to whom when he was invited to dinner, 
finding his stomack sickely and weake, he 
forbore to eate at all : which the other ob- 
serving, Sir, saith he, you take too much of 
the Apothecaries physicke, and too little of 
the kitchens ; and I feare though you are 
my Executour for my place, yet I may 
out-live you. The other taking up a pure 
Venice glasse, that then stood before him, 
returned this answere ; I question that 
Sir, for this brittle glasse which you see, 
being well and carefully kept, may last as 
long, as your great brasse Kettle. 



D 



Of 



26 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part I. 



Of taking 
the wall. 



Of taking the wall. 

A CONTEMPLATIVE Schollar walk- 
ing in the streete, and studdying as 
he went, ere he was aware, ranne upon a 
Courtier, and halfe jostled him from the 
wall. The Gallant was somewhat offend- 
ed at it, and roughly thrust him by, say- 
ing, I doe not use to give every cox- 
combe the wall : the Schollar looking up 
in his face, answered, but I doe sir, and so 
passed on. 



On Curtailing names. 

A GENTLEMAN in this Towne, con- 

t ailing /-\ 

names. versant with Gallants of great 

rancke, used to curtaile their names, 
calling them onely Jacke y Dicke, Torn, &c. 
till on a time, being reprooved for his too 



much 



Courts 



Pleasant Taunts. 



27 



much familiaritie, he replyed it is my 
humour, and I vow with all, if the King 
should call me Jacke, I would call him 
Charles by the Grace of God. 



A lovely Mistresse. 

T" F (saith a Travellour) I might have 
and enjoy a Mistresse composed to 
my wish ; I would have her from the 
waste downeward all Dutch, then from 
the middle to the Necke, I would have 
her all French, and on those French 
shoulders I would have set an English 
face. 



A lovely 
Mistresse. 



Qtteene Elizabeth entertained. 

QUEENE Elizabeth in her Progresse 
was entertained by a Knight into 
a very faire manner house, which hee 



Queenc 
Elizabeth 
enter- 
tained. 



had 



28 



Merry Tales. 



\P art I. 



had lately built from the ground ; where 
being bountifully feasted, the Queene 
began to commend the scituation of the 
place, as the statelinesse of the Edifice : 
onely saith she (and called him by his 
name) me thinkes the stayres are some- 
what too narrow, and straight for so faire 
a building. To whom he answered, 
Gracious Madam, let the errour be ex- 
cused, for when I first drew this Modell, 
and layd the foundation, / never hoped 
that so great a guest as your Majestie y 
should have done me the grace, to be thus 
mounted upon them. 



A Salutation. 



A Saluta- 
tion. 



\ SOULDIER, and a Courtier meet- 

ing, and purposing to renew old 

acquaintance : Sir, saith the Courtier, I 



wish 



Con rt.] 



Moderns Jests. 



29 



wish that every haire on my head were 
a Groome, and vassaile to doe you service. 
And sir, replyed the Souldier, I likewise 
wish, that every blast from my backside 
were a Cannon ready charged, to batter 
downe your enemies. 

Of a Nobleman and a 
Physitian. 

A N Outlandish Physitian presented his 
service to a great man, and told 
him he could cure all maladies whatso- 
ever : to whom he jestingly replyed : In- 
deed I use not to entertaine any Physi- 
tian, before he can bring testimonie that 
hee hath killed thirty at least : the Artist, 
when he had paused a while, at last made 
answere, now I collect my selfe, I thinke 
I come not much short of that number ; 



Of a 

Nobleman 
and a 
Physitian. 



for 



30 



Witty Jeeves, 



{Part I. 



Of the 

Emperour 
Frederick j 
and a 

rar. I 



for on my conscience I have beene the 
death of nine and twenty already. Then 
trust me (saith the Nobleman) you shall 
not be my Doctor at this present, be- 
cause / am loath to make up the number 
of thirty. 

Of the Emperour Frederick and 
a Beggar. 

r T v HE Emperour keeping a great Court 
at Norimberg, where at that time, 
was a meeting of most of the Germaine 
Princes : a bold beggar intruding into the 
Hall, desiring to bee admitted unto the 
presence of Ccesar, because he was his 
brother. But being often repulsed, not- 
withstanding his importunitie, it came at 
length to the Emperours eare, who some- 
thing moved with the Noveltie, caused him 

to 



Court.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



3* 



to be brought before him ; and demanded 
which way he came to be his brother, the 
beggar undaunted made answere, that all 
mortall men were brothers, from our first 
Father Adam : and therefore as a brother 
he beseeched him, to bestow something on 
him, to the releefe of his necessitie. The 
Emperour somewhat offended with his 
saucinesse commanded a small peece of 
silver to be given him, to the valew of a 
penny ; on which the beggar looking, sayd 
aloud, oh invincible Ccesar, it becomes not 
thee, to give so small a gift (being so rich) 
to a brother so poore. Yes, (replyes the 
Emperour) Fare thee well : for if all thy 
brothers will give thee but so much as I 
have done> thou wilt in short time be much 
richer than my selfe. 



32 



Merry Tales. 



[Part L 



A Gentle- 
man 

Vsherthat 
let a fart. 



A Gentleman Vsher that let 
a fart. 

A GENTLEMAN Usher sent on a 
serious Message to a great Lady, 
and having a long tale to deliver ; in the 
midst of his speech, not able to containe 
it, he let a great fart, which was heard 
all over the Chamber; at which the Ladies 
Gentlewomen, and chambermaides, began 
to tehee and laugh ; when presently one 
of them by stifling in her breath, be- 
cause she would not laugh too loud, 
chanced to do the like ; which he ob- 
serving abruptly broke his discourse, and 
turning to them, sayd, I marry young 
Gentlewomen you doe well, I know it is 
for your ease ; I beseech you let it goe in 
order round, and when it shall come againe 



to 



Court.'] 



Modeme Jests. 



33 



to my turne 1 shall make proof e what I 
can doe. 

On gray hayres. 

/^NE being asked, why his head was 
all gray, but not one white haire 
on his beard, answered, it is no wonder : 
for the haire of my head y is older than 
that of my beard } by twenty yeares. 

Of a Gentleman that played 
with false Dice. 



A 



could be made, when he had swept the 
last stakes into his hat, bad them good 
night, and presently went downe stayres, 
In the meane while every one stood be- 



On gray 
hayres. 



GENTLEMAN at an Ordinary, o/aGen 

I tleman 

having won all the money that 



that 
played 
■with false 
Dice.' 



wayling 



34 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part I. 



way ling his misfortune. At length they 
sent him, that waited on the boxe, after 
the Gentleman, to demand something of 
him for candles and dice : the Box- 
keeper over-tooke him in the streete, and 
intreated him to the same purpose ; but 
he made answere he would not part with 
a pennie, as for the candles (saith he) 
wee could not see to play without 'em, 
and for the dice, commend me to the 
Gentlemen, and tell them, / playd with 
mine owne. 



Of a 

Papist to 
be con- 
verted. 



Of a Papist to be converted. 

A GRAVE Divine attempting to con- 

vert a Gentleman, (who after his 

travailes returned home a Roman Catho- 

licke) used many perswasions to him. 

But the Gentleman stood still, as if his 



minde 



Court] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



minde were busied about some other 
matter. Why (saith the Doctor) for 
ought I see, my words goe in at one 
eare, and out at the other. Nay sir 
(replyed the Papist) feare it not ; for it 
is impossible that should get out y which 
never came in. 



35 



On the degrees of Age. 

T T EE that at twenty yeares old is 
not wel favoured ; at thirty 
strong, at forty wise, and at fifty rich : 
let him never hope in this life, to at- 
taine unto beauty, strength, wisedome, 
or wealth. 



On the 
degrees of 
Age. 



The 



36 



Merry Tales. 



[Part I. 



The 

King of 
Swedens 
Goose. 



The King of Swedens Goose. 

np^HE King of Sweden sitting downe 
with a very small company, before 
a Towne of his enemies ; they to slight 
his force, hung out a Goose for him to 
shoote at, but perceiving before night, 
that these few souldiers had invaded, and 
set their chiefe holds on fire, they de- 
manded of him, what his intent was : he 
made answere, To roast your Goose. 



On a Count ery Atturney. 

on a A COUNTRY Atturney soliciting his 

Countery /~\ 

Atturney. Clients Cause before the Judges, 

and being in a gaudie habite, not sutable 
to his profession, was demanded by one 
of them, who he was ; he answered, he 
was an Atturney sworne in that Court. 



The 



Court.] 



Moderne Jests. 



37 



The Judge moreover asked him his name. 
My name, sayd he, if it please your 
Lordship is Rapier (as it was indeede). 
Rapier ? replyed the Judge, then Rapier, 
sayd he, I charge you against the next 
time that you appeare before me, to 
provide yom selfe a blacke scabbard, or 
else I shall goe neere to scowre you. 



On Rosa. 

O OS A is faire but not a 

Proper woman : 
Can any woman proper be, 
that 's common ? 



On Rosa, 



A 



38 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part I. 



A Gentle- 
man 
to his 
Mistresse. 



Who the 
surest 
Friend. 



A Gentleman to his Mistresse. 

TJZHEN first I saw thee, 

Thou didst sweetely play, 
The gentle theefe, and stol J st 

My heart away. 
Give me't againe y or else 
Send backe thine owne : 
For two's too much for thee, 
Since I have none. 
But if thou wilt not, I will say thou art 
A sweet faire Creature, with a double heart. 

Who the surest Friend. 

/^NE sayd, that a Louse was the 
surest friend : for in adversitie, 
when all others fall off, shee stickes the 
fastest. 



A 



Court.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



39 



A JVittie put off. 

S~\ N E being convented before the 
Governours of the place where 
he lived, for getting his Laundresse with 
childe ; they sayd, they wondred that a 
man of his place and gravitie, would so 
much over-shoote himselfe. Why should 
you wonder at that (said he). It had 
indeed beene a wonder, if she had gotten 
me with childe, and so put off the matter 
with a jest. 



A Wittie 
put off. 



A Noble and Wise saying. 



A CERTAINE King, that loved 
learning, seeing a famous Lib- 
rary ; when he had a while, with silent 
admiration, contemplated the place, and 
the happy content of a studious schollar- 



A Noble 
and Wise 
saying. 



like 



40 



Merry Tales. 



{Part I. 



like life ; at his departure he broke out 
into this notable speech : If I were not 
a King, I would be an Academian ; and 
if so be, I were prisoner, and might 
have my wish, I would desire to have 
no other Prison than that Library, and 
to be chained together with my fellow 
writers. 



The 

Transpo- 
sition of 
Letters. 



The Transposition of Letters. 

A MELANCHOLLY Gentleman sit- 
ting one day at Table, started up 
on a suddaine, and meaning to say, 
I must goe buy a dagger, by trans- 
posing of the letters, sayd, / must goe 
dye a Beggar. 



An 



Court.] 



Moderne Jests. 



41 



An 

Answer 
wise and 
witty. 



An Answer wise and witty. 

A GRAVE, wise, and learned Lord 
Chancellour of this Kingdome, was 
pressed to pledge a health to the King 
of England, which my Lord refused. It 
being made knowne to the King, when 
his Lordship came next in his Majesties 
presence, the King said unto him : what 
grudge (my Lord) betwixt you and I, 
that you refused to pledge my health : 
my Lord answered : I will pray for your 
Majesties healthy and I will drinke for 
my owne health. 

Another. 



A TAVERNE-RECKNING was de- 
livered to the same Lord Chancel- 
lour, instead of a Petition : his Lordship 

F perceiving 



42 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part L 



A Noble- 
mans 
Steward. 



perceiving the mistake, said, The reckning 
being discharged, I see no reason of com- 
plaint. 

A Noblemans Steward. 

A NOBLEMANS Steward had in- 
vited some friends to dinner, and 
meeting with the Cooke, said unto him, 
Mr. Cooke, let mee have the best dish 
of meate, that is drest to day, For / 
am Jacke pay for all. The Nobleman 
over-hearing him, said, and when Master 
Steward is served (Mr. Cooke) I pray let 
me have the next best dish, for / am 
Jack pay for all 



Of 



Court.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



43 



Of a Nobleman and a Serving- 
man. 

\ NOBLEMAN in this Kingdome, 
walking early in his Parke, espied 
a Servingman to put off his Cloake, and 
lay by his sword, and to come over the 
paile, there to untrusse a point : which he 
standing behinde a tree and seeing, tooke 
his opportunitie, and getting over the stile, 
seazed upon his sword. The man having 
done his businesse, returnes. My Lord 
drawes at him, and asks him how hee durst 
to be so bold, to abuse his ground so ? 
Swearing withall by no common oathes, 
that if he would not beare over in his 
hands, what he had left there, he would 
kill him, if there were no more men in 
the world, and with that began to strike 



Of a 

Noble- 
man and 
a Serving- 
man. 



at 



44 



Merry Tales. 



IP art I. 



at him. The Servingman perceiving he 
purpos'd as he spoke, and being unarmed, 
thought best to submit himselfe to the 
necessitie, and did that, to which he was 
enforced : which done, the Lord gave him 
backe his cloake and his sword, and was 
going away : but the Servingman vext 
(and I cannot blame him) to be so 
brutishly used, would take no notice of 
him, (though hee knew him well enough) 
who he was, but finding himself pos- 
sess'd of his sword, said unto him, Sirrah, 
be thou what thou canst be, thou art but 
a man as I am ; instantly beare that 
backe, which thou madest me to bring 
over, or the same sword, which even now 
thou bendest against me, shall cut thee 
as small as flesh to the Pot ; and like a 
mad man he began to menace him, and 
indeed compelPd him to doe it : which 



when 



Court.] 



Moderne Jests. 



45 



when his Lordship had done, at parting 
he said ; thou base villaine, and hast thou 
serv'd me so ? Even so (quoth the Ser- 
vingman) and it tis but Quid pro Quo. 

Of a Lawyer and his Taylour. 



A 



TAYLOUR having made a grave ; o/aLaw- 

I yer and 

Lawyer a suite of cloathes, sent 



one of his Prentices with his Bill to him, 
just in the beginning of the Tearme, when 
he was very busie, looking over his writ- 
ings ; who bid the boy not to trouble him 
then, for he had not leasure to looke it 
over ; and tell thy Master (saith he) I am 
not running away. With which answer the 
boy return'd, and came backe againe some 
halfe an houre after ; entreating him, that 
he would peruse his Bill, and send his 
Master the money due to him. The 



his 

Taylour. 



Lawyer 



4 6 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part I. 



Lawyer having not yet ended his busi- 
nesse, was somewhat angry, to be so in- 
terrupted, said to the Lad, why, didst 
thou tell thy Master, as I bid thee, I was 
not running away ? I did indeed Sir 
(saith the Boy) and he bid me tell you 
again, That though you were not running 
away, yet he was. 



Scoggens 
Conceit to 
the French 
King. 



Scoggens Conceit to the French 
King. 

TTENR Y the eight King of England 
being in opposition with the King 
of France ; It hapned at the same time, 
that ScoggeiZy King Henries Jester, was 
in the French Court ; in whom, for his 
pleasant discourse, the King was much 
delighted, and going upon a time to the 
house of Office, called Scoggen along with 

him, 



Courts] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



47 



him, and said unto him, See fellow, how 
I value thy King, whose Picture thou 
seest hanging here in my Privyes ; to 
whom Scoggen made answer, I observe 
it well Sir, and withall, that you never 
looke upon it, but at the sight thereof , you 
are ready to bewray your Breeches. 



A pretty conceit to make up 
rime. 

*7^HE third of November Vandone 

scap'd the water, 
The fourth of November the Queene had a 

Daughter, 
The fifth of November we scap'd a great 

slaughter, 
And the sixth of November was next day 

after. 



A pretty 
conceit to 
make up 
rime. 



of 



4 8 



Merry Tales. 



IP art I. 



Of a ; 

Judge to J 
a Client. 



Arche 

ove?-- 

reacJid. 



Of a yudge to a Client. 

A N importunate Client, all the Barre 
fearing (it seemes) that the cause 
would goe against him, was very clamor- 
ous in Court, to have a longer day ; (it 
being at that time about the middle of 
June). Well fellow (saith the Judge) thou 
shalt have thy desire. Thy day of hear- 
ing shall be upon Saint Barnabyes dayes 
next, and that is the longest day in the 
yeare. 

Arche over-reach d. J 

I /^^vVR Patron Arche, the Kings Jester, 
^^^ having before fool'd many, was at 
last well met withall : For comming to 
a Nobleman to give him good morrow 
upon Newyeares day, he received a very 



gracious 



Court.] 



Moderne Jests. 



49 



gracious reward from him : twenty good 
peeces of gold in his hand. But the 
covetous foole expecting (it seemes) a 
greater ; shooke them in his fist, and 
said they were too light. The Nobleman 
tooke it ill from him, but dissembling his 
anger, he said, I prethee Arche, let mee 
see them againe, for amongst them there 
is one peece, I would be loath to part 
with. Arche supposing hee would have 
added more unto them, delivered them 
backe to my Lord, who putting 'em up 
in his pocked, said, well, I once gave 
money into a fooles hand, who had not 
the wit to keepe it. 



An 



5o 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part I. 



An 

English 
man and 
a French 
man 
courting 
a Lady. 



An English man and a French 
man courting a Lady, 



A' 



N English man and a French man 
going to visite a hansome Lady, 
the French man much taken with her 
feature, at first sight, stept forward be- 
fore the other, and kiss'd her : at which 
the English Gentleman greatly incensed, 
as being of his acquaintance, told him, 
such manners savoured of the French im- 
pudence, and misbecame him here. But 
he thinking to excuse himselfe, and not 
well acquainted with our English phraise, 
repli'd, no harme done, good Mounsieur ; 
for now I have kist her before, you have 
good leave to kisse her behinde. Meaning 
after. 



Court. 1 



Pleasant Taunts. 



5i 



A witty answer from a Court 
Lady. 

A GREAT Lady in Court, having a 
pretty Dog, when it dy'd, shee 
wept for it. A great man in Court, who 
had buried two wives, amongst others 
came to comfort her : but instead of that, 
blamed her childish, and womanish folly, 
to mourne for a scurvy Puppy. My 
Lady replied, I beseech you, of all others, 
not to blame mee, that (as I understand) 
did not so much for both your dead wives , 
as I have done for this poore Puppy. 

A Censure in the Chancery. 

J" N a Case of Land, which was brought 
into the Chancery, the Counsell be- 
ing fee'de on both sides, as the phrase of 



A witty 
answer 
from a 
Court 
Lady. 



A Censure 
in the 

Chancery. 



the 



52 



Merry Tales. 



\^P art I. 



A 

Countrey 
Gentle- 
zvoman 
going 



one of the 
Inns of 
Court. 



the Court is, one of the parties said, my 
good Lord, we lye on this side ; said 
the Counsell of the other party, and my 
good Lord, wee lye on this side : to 
whom my Lord return'd answer, which 
of you then shall I beleeve, when by 
your owne confession, you lye on both 
sides ? 

A Countrey Gentlewoman going 
through one of the Inns of 
Court. 

A COUNTREY Gentlewoman being 
upon some urgent occasion drawn 
up to the Terme, it was her chance to 
passe through one of the Inns of Court, 
immediately after dinner, where the Court 
was full of Gentlemen, walking up and 
downe, in their Gownes and Cappes : the 

Country 



Court. 1 



Moderne Jests. 



53 



Country Gentlewoman wondring who 
they might be in such formality, de- 
manded of one : of what condition and 
qualitie they were ; who told her, they 
were Students of the Law. What are 
these practising (said she) to be such as 
we commonly call Lawyers ? Answer 
was made that they were so. At length 
the good Gentlewoman, fetching a great 
sigh, said, Now alas poore City ! how 
art thou like to be pestered, for we have 
but one Lawyer in our Shire, and hee 
troubles the whole Country. 



Of a Bishop to his Servingman. 

A CERTAINE Bishop sitting one 

night at supper by himselfe, talked 

pleasantly with his men that waited on 

him, and ask'd one of them why hee 



Of a 

Bishop to 
his Ser- 
vingman. 



grew 



54 



Witty Jeeves. 



IP art I. 



grew so fat, he made answer, hee was not 
so fat as most men thought him. No 
Tom (replies the Bishop) thou art fatuus 
in facie, & Leno in corpore. Indeede Sir 
(sayes Tom) they that know me will say 
no lesse of me. 



An 

Answer 
touching 
Marriage. 



An Answer touching Marriage. 

A LADY observing a Gentleman that 
was a Batchelour, much given to 
Melancholly, merrily said unto him, truely 
Sir, I am of opinion, that you will never 
be truely merry, till you be married : to 
whom he answered, Introth Madam, and 
I am of opinion, / shall never laugh till 
my heart ake till then. 



A 



Court.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



55 



A long Bill 

A TAYLOUR bringing a Bill of ex- 
traordinary length, to a Gentleman, 
and altogether desparing of present pai- 
ment, because the party was preparing 
for travell : the Gentleman demands what 
hee will bate him of the maine Bill, and 
he will pay him downe the rest in ready 
money. Ready Cash ! (quoth the Tay- 
lour) being extasi'de with the very 
thought ; I will bate you (saith he) a 
full yard, Citie measure, and that's a 
hand full more : take it off in the middle, 
the top, or the botome ; any of these 
three, chuse you which. 



A long 
Bill. 



An 



56 



Merry Tales. 



{Part I. 



A 71 

English 
man in 
France. 



An English man in France. 

\ N English gentleman being in France, 
and having exercised himselfe in a 
I Dancing Schoole, had put off his Pumps, 
and wiping himself with a drie towell, was 
ready to be gone : when on the sudden 
enters a French Mounsieur, and entreated 
him to put on his pumps agen, that hee 
might see him practise : the other ex- 
cused it, by reason of his wearinesse, and 
that by too much heating his body, he 
might endanger a surfeit : but the Moun- 
sieur grew from entreaty to importunity, 
from importunity to threats ; and withall 
seeing his sword lye a distance from him, 
drawes it, and sweares, that if hee will not 
presently satisfie him in his request he will 
run him through. The Eitglish man 
seeing at what advantage hee had him, 

yeelds 



Court. 1 



Moderne Jests. 



57 



yeelds to the present necessitie, dances 
out his Galliard, and gives him as much 
content, as he can desire : but having 
ended, made himselfe ready, and reco- 
vered his sword ; comming close to the 
Mounsieur, hee tells him, that if he be 
a Gentleman, he must satisfie him for 
this affront, and either acknowledge, that 
he had done him a manifest wrong, or 
decide the difference by the sword : the 
other seeing how neare it toucht his re- 
putation, told him he would give him 
meeting to his desire. The place and 
houre was appointed, their weapons agreed 
upon, and their length taken. The morn- 
ing came, and singly without second they 
met ; when presently the Englishman 
drawing a case of Pistols, bids the Moun- 
sieur dance, I, and to what tune he would, 
either sing or whistle : the other taxes 



H 



him 



58 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part I. 



him of dishonourable advantage; but hee 
is obstinate, and sweares he will shoote 
him, if he will not dance. Then the French 
man perceiving no meanes to avoide it, 
layes downe his Armes, and footes it with 
all the curiositie he can : which done, the 
English man tells him, now they are upon 
equall tearmes, gives him leave to rest and 
breath, and having made himselfe sport 
sufficiently, fought with him, and had the 
better of the Duell. 



A demure 
Lady. 



A demure Lady. 

A CERTAINE Knight had invited 
much good company to dinner, 
and amongst the rest, there was a Lady 
that sate very demurely, and eate nothing, 
which the hearty old Knight observing, 
he cheerefully wish'd her to fall too. I 



thanke 



Court.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



59 



thanke you sir (quoth, she) but insooth 
my stomack's gone ; / eate the whole 
pestile of a Larke to Breakfast this morn- 
ing. Marry, and like enough (replied the 
Knight) for there lyes the feathers on your 
ruffe. Now there lay a small peece of 
Cabbage leafe upon her ruffe, which, with 
her Ladiships blushing besides, bewray'd 
the good Madam to have beene eating 
wholsome beefe, and Cabbage. 



Of Travelling. 

A QUESTION being asked what 
creature were the greatest travel- 
lours next unto men : one answered a 
dogge, one a horse, and some one beast, 
some another ; but when every one had 
delivered his opinion, saith he that pro- 
posed it, I hold the greatest travellours of 



Of Tra- 
velling. 



any 



6o 



Merry Tales. 



{Part I. 



any creature next unto a man, is that 
which he breedes, and sticks neerest unto 
him ; I meane that small beast called a 
Louse. 

Women Writers. 



Women 
Writers. 



A QUESTION being asked, why wo- 
men, either all, or the most part, 
when they learne to write, practise Ro- 
mane hand ; it was answered him againe, 
that it stood with great reason, for he had 
never heard of any woman that made 
good Secretary. 



A Silly Question. 

A suiy r | A WO Gentlemen lying together, saith 

Question. 

the one to the other, prethee Franke 
let us rise early to morrow, because it is 



Holy-day. 



Court.] 



Moderne Jests. 



61 



Holy- day. Holy- day, answered he ? 
What Holy day ? the other replied, it 
is the day of our blessed Lady. What 
saith he, Is it the day of her Circumcision. 



A 



A wise Answer. 



GRAVE and wise man was repre- a wise 

! Answer. 

hended by his friend for dancing 



with young folkes at night, and told him 
how ill it became a man of his wisedome 
and dignitie. But he made answer, that 
he which is wise in the day may dote a little 
at night. Semel in Anno, ridet Apollo. 

A Tatmt to a Lawyer. 

A CERTAINE Lawyer, that was a 

very bigge and corpulent man, 

pleading against a Gentleman, a neigh- 



A Taunt 
to a 

Lawyer. 



bour 



62 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part I. 



Two 
friends 
ivell met. 



bour of his, used him with uncivill 
tearmes. Well, said the Gentleman, I 
thought by reason of neighbourhood, 
you would give me better respect ; but 
it is no matter. Non omnes sancti, qui 
Calcant limina iempli : The greatest 
Calves, are not alwayes the fattest Veale. 

Two friends well met. 

T N the time of King Henry the Eight, 
there was a great difference [between] 
two eminent Courtiers and Officers of 
State, that nothing would satisfie either of 
'em, but the ruine of the other, although 
there was great mediation of friends on 
each part : To be briefe, so far the one 
prevailed, that he procured his adversary to 
be committed to the Tower : where after 
hee had remained some dayes, the other 

also 



Court."} 



Pleasant Taunts, 



63 



also fell into the Kings disfavour, and 
likewise (being one of the white staves) 
was committed to the same Prison : which 
when his adversary saw, smiling, he said, 
He was glad to see him walke without a 
staffe. 



CAMPE 



CAM PE J ESTS 



Lib. I. Part II. 



A Casheird Captaine. 

A CAPTAINE in the Low Countries 
being casheir'd, and his Company 
conferred on another, he grew more pri- 
vate and melancolly than usually ; and 
not long after being met by the others 
Leivetenant, was kindly saluted. Many 
Complements past, the Leivetenant de- 
manded of him, why he was so strange 
of late, to absent himselfe so long from 
his Captaine, who much desired to see 



A 

Caskeird 

Captaine. 



him. 



66 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part II. 



him. He answered, I pray you commend 
me to your Captaine, and tell him, hee 
had my company too late. 



A wager 
of Eating. 



A wager of Eating. 

\ N English Captaine, and a Dutch 
Captaine, both stout Trencher men, 
laid a wager, which of them at one set 
meale could eate most. Earnest was 
given ; and they cast lots which of them 
should bespeake their provant : It fell to 
the Dutchman, who presently went downe 
into the Kitchen, and bespake of the 
Hostesse of the Ordinary a fat Capon, 
and a dozen of Larkes, and so came up 
againe to his company. Presently the 
English Captaine went downe, to enquire 
what he had spoke for, the Hostesse told 
him, a Capon, and a dozen of Larkes. 

How ? 



Camp.'] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



6 7 



How ? saith he. I say Hostesse, send 
into the Market, and buy for me a dozen 
of Capons, and one Larke. The Dutch 
man overhearing him, and supposing by 
his words, his stomacke to be mightier, 
than indeede it was, presently came to 
composition, and recanted his bargaine. 



Two old Captaines. 



r 



WO ancient Captaines looking on I Two old 

: Captaines, 

the rich hangings of Eightie eight ; 



Observing in the border thereof, the 
faces of all the prime Commanders, and 
gentlemen of note, that had beene in the 
service. Well, saith the one to the other, 
if every man had his right, my face 
might have had the honour to have beene 
placed here, before some that I see : for 
I am sure, I was ingaged in the hottest 



in counter. 



68 



Merry Tales. 



{Part II 



incounter. The other replyed, content 
thy selfe Captaine ; tis well knowne, 
thou art an old Souldier, and reserved 
for another hanging. 



Of Grave 
Maurice, 
and Mar- 
quesse 
Spinola. 



Of Grave Maurice, and Mar- 
quesse Spinola. 

|" T is reported of Marquesse Spinola, 
that when he came first with an 
army into the Low -Countries, hee sent 
word to Grave Maurice, hee was now 
come somewhat neerer him, and purposed 
to sit as close unto him, as his Cassocke 
to his backe : to whom Grave Maurice 
return'd this answer ; that hee had often 
knowne when a Souldier had tooke a 
Merchants cloake from his shoulders, but 
that a Merchant should plucke off a 



Souldiers 



Camp.] 



Moderne Jests. 



69 



Souldiers Cassocke, hee had seldome 
heard, or never. 



Of a Captaine to be arrested. 

/^vNE Captain Leonard Sampson, well 
^^ knowne about this towne, being 
indepted, was way-layd by his creditours, 
who had feed Sergeants to arrest him ; 
the Sergeants spying him in cheapeside, 
were stealing behind him to clap him on 
the shoulders unawares : which a Gentle- 
man a friend of his perceiving, he cryed 
out aloude unto him, and sayd, the Phi- 
listians bee upon thee Sampson. At which 
words the Captaine suddenly looking 
backe, and espying the Catchpoles, drew 
his sword, and by that meanes escaped 
from the Arrest. 



Of a 

Captaine 
to be 
arrested. 



An 



70 



Witty Jeeres. 



[Part II 



An old 
Goose. 



An old Goose. 

LTENR Y the fourth, King of France, 
of late famous memory, being 
upon a long march, where victualls at 
that time, were very scarse, hee grew 
extreamely a hungred. At last an 
honest Gentleman brought the legge of 
a brood Goose Carbonadoed ; which 
the King taking, and tugging with his 
teeth a long while, ere he could pull it 
a sunder, Mori die, saith he, this is sure 
a limbe of that Goose, which in Camillus 
his time, by her gabling saved the Roman 
CapitolL 



Of 



Ca7np.~\ Pleasant Taunts. yi 



Of an English Generall to some 
of his Officers. 



upon a time disguising himselfe, hee 
listned to a Tent, where hee heard 
diverse of his Officers speake very 
harshly against him. And when they 
had ended their discourse, hee dis- 
covered himselfe, and sayd, when you 
next speake ill of me, I would wish 
you for your owne sakes, to doe it a 
little farther off. 



an 



SIR Francis Veire, a brave and eminent °f c 
English 
Generall, yet for his severity not Generall 

to some 

well spoken of amongst his Souldiers, of his 



Officers. 



A 



72 



Merry Tales. 



[Part II. 



A Marri- 
ner in a 
storm r. 



A Marriner in a storme, 

T T chanced that a Merchants ship was 
violently tossed by a storme at Sea, 
insomuch that all despairing of safety, 
betooke themselves to prayer, saving one 
onely Marriner, who was ever wishing to 
see two starres. O (saith he) that I could 
see but two starres, or but one of the 
two ! and of these words he made so 
often repitition, that disturbing the medi- 
tations of the rest, at length one asked 
him what two starres, or what one starre 
he meant, to whom he replyed, O that I 
could but see the starre in Cheape-side, or 
the starre in Coleman streete f I care not 
whether. 



Camp.'] 



Moderne Jests. 



73 



A Salutation betwixt two 
Captaines. 

r I A W0 Souldiers of eminent command, 
and of contrary sides, the one an 
approoved valiant man, the other a 
knowne Coward, upon a truce made, 
came to enterview : when the Cowardly 
Captaine comming to salute the other, 
sayd, doe you not know me ? the other 
answered, sir I should better have knowne 
you, if you had showed me your backe : 
for that / have seene often, but your face 
(till now) never. 

A desperate Say/or. 



A Saluta- 
tion be- 
twixt two 
Captaines. 



A SHIP under Sayle being accident- 
ally set on fire, by chance there 
was in it a desperate Saylor, who seeing 



K 



the 



74 



Witty Jeeres. 



[Part II. 



the vessell burne under them, that no 
hope of life appear'd to any man but 
that all must perish betwixt the two 
Elements of fire and water ; hee stand- 
ing upon the hatches, and is it so (saith 
he) Nay then, some roasted and some 
sod : and with that desperately leapt into 
the Sea. 



A 

drunken 

Souldier. 



A drunken Souldier. 

A RIOTOUS drunken Souldier, that 
had lost the sheath of his dagger, 
carryed it naked in his hand : and being 
demanded by one that knew him, why 
he bore a drawne weapon so dangerously 
about with him ? he made answere, it 
was to stab him that was drunke before 
him. 



An 



Camp.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



75 



An Abhominable tmth. 



/ T"^WO having met the field in a frosty 
morning, it hapned that one of them 
with an unluckey backe blow strucke the 
others head cleane from his shoulders. 
Which done, fearing the severity of the 
Law, enacted against duells, and his wit 
(as it is then for the most part sharpest) 
steading him in his necessity, he clapt 
the head fresh bleeding on to the necke 
againe ; holding it close, till the cold 
ayre had setled, and knit it fast as be- 
fore. After this, he had him straight- 
way to the next Taverne, there with a 
good fire and wine to comfort him. But 
the wounded party, when he had sate a- 
while, (the heate having expeld the Frost, 
and dissolved the congealed blood) think- 
ing to blow his nose and throw away the 



An 

Abhomin- 
able truth. 



filth, 



7 6 



Merry Tales. 



IP art II. 



Of a 
Welch- 
man that 



thefield. 



filth, He flung his owne head into the fire : 
which as I heard, could never be set 
right since. 

Of a Welch-man that chal- 
lenged the field. 

A WELCH-MAN in heate of blood, 
challenged an Englishman the 
field ; and because he thought that was 
the safest, he would fight at no weapon 
but sword and buckler. Well, the field 
was appointed, the parties met, both 
readily provided : when the Englishman 
standing close upon his guard and watch- 
ing his opportunity, strook the other a 
good blow below the knee. The welch- 
man feeling it smart, and seeing the 
blood runne downe, threw his weapons 
away ; and swearing and staring, sploot 

(quoth 



Camp.] 



Moderne Jests. 



77 



(quoth he) was not her buckler broad 
enough, but her must hit her upon the 



A sharpe Sword. 

/^\NE commended the goodnesse of 
his blade : for (sayeth he) going 
to cut a hard barly loafe ; for want of 
a knife, I made use of my sword (a thing 
not unusuall with us Souldiers in warre) 
and summoning all my strength together 
ere I could be aware, I sliced through the 
loafe, my selfe, and two behind me. As 
sure as I live (quoth he) quite through 
my selfe, and two men behinde me. 



A sharpe 
Sword. 



A 



78 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part II. 



A pretty 
way to 
reconcile 
enemies. 



A pretty way to reconcile 
enemies. 

HP WO Captaines fallen out, that 
breathed nothing but death and 
destruction one to the other, were by 
the mediation of some friends, brought 
to milder termes, and perswaded to referre 
the businesse, to bee decided by a grave 
understanding Gentleman, well knowne to 
them all. When they had condescended 
to this, and the Gentleman accordingly 
had undertaken to determine the matter ; 
he brought them privately into a roome, 
making them sweare there devoutly, that 
since they had referred themselves to him, 
they would stand to his award. Which 
done, this (saith he) is my sentence, that 
you stirre not hence, till you are reconciled, 

and 



Camp.'] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



79 



and with that left 'em. The Captaines 
finding themselves bound by oath, and 
not willing to stay there prisoners long, 
because pressed by urgent occasions, pre- 
sently came to composition, and departed 
friends. 

Two Ancient Companions. 

TWO old Souldiers and companions, Two 
I Ancient 
that had served in the Low Coun- i Com- 

| panions. 

tries twenty odde yeares together ; in the 
last German warre, tooke pay under the 
King of Sweden : and whilst his Majestie 
lay with his Army before Frankford, it 
chanced as they two, with some others, 
were tipling, just as one of them, was 
heaving up a great Bombard of beere, to 
fill his cup, it chanced I say, that a bullet 
from the besieged wall strooke the Jacke 



out 



8o 



Merry Tales. 



IP art II. 



out of his hand, and with it halfe his 
head off. The other his ancient Fami- 
liar, and acquaintance seeing it ; Zounds 
(saith he, swearing like a mad man) the 
drink's all spilt. 



A stolne Pigge. 

A stolne A POO RE Garrison Souldier, ram- 

bling one day abroad, to pillage 
the Country, without license from his 
Captaine, could light on nothing but a 
Pig, which he brought home, and not car- 
rying it over closely, was apprehended by 
the Officers, and after examination by a 
Martiall Law adjudged to be hang'd. 
Which sentence was presently to be exe- 
cuted, the man was brought to the Gal- 
lowes, and the rope about his necke : 
but by some intercession made to his 

Captaine 



Camp.'] 



Moderne Jests. 



Captaine for him (the fact not being 
great) a pardon was granted and he ac- 
quitted. Who when he came downe, his 
comrades flocking about him, asked him 
how he lik'd his Pig ? Marry, a poxe 
take the Pigge, and a Plague to (quoth 
he) the Petty-toes had almost choak'd me. 



A 



A little Sword. 



CERTAINE Comander espying one A little 

Sword. 



of his Company with a little sword 
called him to him, and asked him why he 
wore no better weapon : for (saith he) thy 
enemie Juglar-like, wil swallow such a 
knife as this is. Sir, replyed the Souldier, 
if I misse not my aime, / shall make it 
enter his stomacke the wrong way. 



Of 



82 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part II. 



Of a 

marryed 
man who 
had but 
one eye. 



Of a marryed man who had 
but one eye. 

A MAN with one eye, thinking hee 
had married a Virgin, and finding 
that she had before beene visited, grew 
into very bitter language, upbraiding her 
of inchastity, saying, she came not unto 
him, (as he expected) sound and perfect. 
The woman made answere, why shouldst 
thou look, that I should come so unto thee, 
that art thy selfe neither sound, nor per- 
fect, being halfe blinde, as wanting one of 
thine eyes. I but woman (saith he) this 
hurt which I have, I received from mine 
enemie. She answered him againe ; why, 
and know thou man, that this flaw which 
I have got, I received from my friend. 



Of 



Camp.~\ 



Pleasant Taunts. 



83 



Of a Gentleman- Pusher to fight 
a Duell. 

A GENTLEMAN -Usher, question- 
lesse redoubted and valiant, as by 
the Sequell will appeare, fell at varience 
with another Gentleman, Retainer to his 
Lady ; insomuch that they challenged the 
field, and appointed the place, and time 
of meeting, which was to be the morrow 
morning. But this Spruce Usher, loath 
(as it seemes) to doe any thing without 
warrant, went very wisely over night to 
his Lady, to desire her leave, to revenge 
himselfe on his enemie ; which (saith he) 
has abused me, and that with your Ladi- 
ships consent^ I shall soone proove on his 
dearest life. The good young Lady 
halfe frighted with his valiant language, 



Of a Gen- 
tleman- 
Vsher to 
fight a 
Duell. 



would 



8 4 



Merry Tales. 



[Part II 



would much lesse suffer blowes : but 
calling them together, she charged them 
on paine of her utter displeasure, from 
thence forward to live peaceably, and as 
good friends should. 



A resolute 
speech of 
one con- 
temned 
for his 
low 
parentage. 



A resolute speech of one con- 
temned for his low parentage. 

A MAN of obscure birth, attaining to 
a place of great Command, had 
power over many of better descent than 
himselfe ; who murmured that so meane 
a Personage should bee preferred before 
them. Whereupon, perceiving how they 
repined at his advancement, he sayd unto 
them ; Gentlemen question not my birth, 
nor who my Father was. / am the Sonne 
of mine owne desert, and mine owne for- 
tune : and any man with my good leave, 



and 



• Camp.] 



Moderne Jests. 



85 



and liking, shall weare my dignities, if 
by his better demerrits he can win them 
from me. 

A Souldier-like Answere. 

A FELLOW maym'd and lame, made : 

suite to a Captaine, that he might 

be entertained, and serve under him. 

The Captaine seeing his infirmitie, sayd, 

what should I doe with such as thee in j 

my Regiment, thou art lame and im- 

I 
potent ? O but sir (quoth the man) if 

you will please to consider, the vertue of 

a Souldier consists in standing to his 

tackle, and not in making tise of his 

legges to rmme away. 



A 

Souldier- 

like 

Answere. 



86 



Witty Jeeres. 



[Part II. 



A 

Desperate 

Lyer. 



A Desperate Lyer. 

A YOUNG drunken rascall, that had 
beene in the late German wars, at 
his returne backe, boasted of what repute 
he was, and how highly honoured in the 
Imperiall Court. For (saith he) the Polo- 
nian King, a confederate of the Empe- 
rours, being resident at Vienna with him ; 
it chanced that one day after dinner, they 
sent for me ; where in a private retiring 
roome, we were very merry, and tippled 
freely. But after many healths and ca^ 
rouses gone round, the Emperour seeing 
me hold out stifly, and willing to over- 
throw mee, he plyed me so long with full 
cups, till at last quite over-gorged with 
; wine, / spew'd in the King of Polands 
Cod-peice. 



An 



Camp."] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



87 



An old Song on the Spanish 
Armado in '88. 



C*OME yeares of late, in eighty eight 

As I doe .well remember ; 
It was some say, nineteenth of May, 
But some say in September, 
But some say in September. 



An old 
Song on 
the 

Spanish 
Armado 
in '88. 



The Spanish traine lanclid forth amaine, 

With many a fine Brevado, 
Their, as they thought, but it proov'd not, 

Invincible Armado, 

Invincible &c. 



There was a little man, that dwelt in Spain 
Who shot well in a Gun- a, 



Don 



88 



Merry Tales. 



IP art II. 



Don Pedro hight, as blacke a wight, 
As the Knight of the Sunn-ay 
As the &e. 



\ King Philip made him Admiralty 
And bid him not to stay-a y 
But to destroy both man and boy. 
And so to come his way-a, 
And so &c. 



Their Navie was well victualled 
With biskety Pease y and Bacon : 

They brought 2 ships ful fraught with whips y 
But I thinke they were mistaken y 
But I &c. 



Their men was youngy munition strong. 
And to doe us more harm-a y 



They 



Camp^\ 



Modeme Jests. 



8 9 



They thought it meete to joyne their fleete, 
All with the Prince of Parma's, 
All with &c. 



They coasted round about our land, 
And so came in by Dover : 

But we had men, soone set on them, 
And threw the rascals over, 
And threzv &c. 



The Queene was then at Tilsbury, 
What could we more desire-a ? 

And sir Francis Drake, for her sweete sake, 
Did set them all on fire-a, 
Did set &c. 



When straight they fled by sea and land, 
So that one man kilTd threescore-a, 



M 



And 



90 



Witty Jeeres. 



IP art II. 



And but that they all ran away> 
G my Soule he had kiWd more-a, 
(J my Soule &c. 

Then let them neither brag nor boast, 
But if they come agen-a, 

Let 'em take heede they doe not speede, 
As they did they know when-a. 
As they did they know when-a. 



TO 




To the Reader. 



J J ZEE should wrong Ctistome, not to bring 

our guests 
The second cotcrse, to furnish out the feast. 
Mens pallats being nice, our wits must striv 
To Cooke varieties, such as may give 
A relish to their fancies : wherefore now 
After Court, Campe, and Citie Jests I trow 
A Colledge commons will not doe a misse 
Amongst the rest ; nor a good Popish dish, 
Fetcht fro the Cloysters, and to end the cheere 

You must expect some Country viands here. 
If thou canst like, fall too, but if thou, hast 
(Reader) a squemish appitite ; nor tast 



92 To the Reader. 



I charge thee, nor come nigh : sick stomachs a I 
Concoct the choisest dainties into gall. 
In shorty here is the off-spring of a braine 
That never laboured yet, but with these twain 
If thou affects the first borne, on : this other 
Though not twin- born, is equal to his brother, 
And who so marks, shal find Jie will not faile 
Jest for his Jeere, Taunt ready for his Tale. 



COLLEDGE 



COLLEDGE JESTS. 



Lib. I. Part III. 



A Tutor and his Scholler. 

A YOUNG lad of a Colledge in 
Oxford, when he should have beene 
in the publicke Hall at disputations, a 
little before the time, fell a sleepe, and 
by that meanes failed of comming downe. 
His Tutor being then Moderator, missed 
him, and after exercise was done, went 
up to his study ; where finding him a- 
sleep, he waked him, chid him for sleep- 
ing at that time of day, and angrily 



A Tutor 
and his 
Scholler. 



askt 



94 



Witty Jeeres. 



[Part III. 



askt him why he was not at disputa- 
tions. The youth after a little yawning 
and stretching, replyed, Truely sir, / did 
not dreame of it. 



The Prin- 
cipall of 
an house. 



The Principall of an house. 

A PLEASANT fellow came to the 
Principall of a House, and pre- 
tending that he had received wrong by 
some of the society, complained unto 
him in this manner : Sir, sayd he, I have 
beene abused by a company of Rascalls, 
belonging to this house, and knowing you 
to bee the Principally I thought good to 
acquaint you, &c. 



Of 



Colledge.~\ 



Pleasant Taunts. 



95 



Of a Doctors man. 

A N old Doctor lying on his death-bed, 
and willing to doe an antient ser- 
vant of his what good hee could ; he 
wished him to professe Physicke, and he 
would leave him certaine prescriptions, 
both to benefit his knowledge and estate. 
Amongst others, this was the maine, that 
when hee came to visite any Patient, hee 
should observe curiously what bones hee 
saw scattered about the roome ; if he 
found any of Fish, then he should tell 
him, he tooke a surfeit of such a kinde 
of fish as he might guesse it by the 
bones, and so likewise of Beefe, Veale, 
Mutton, Capon, Rabbet, &c. and to judge 
by the fragments, and reversions, which 
were more certaine, than to presume 
upon the disease by the sicke mans 



Of a 

Doctors 

man. 



water 



9 6 



Merry Tales. 



{Part III 



water, wherein he knew he was alto- 
gether unpractised, and unskilfull. In 
processe of time, so it fell out, that being 
sent for by one that was sicke of an im- 
postume, and the roome so cleane swept, 
that he could finde no apparant signe in 
the floore, by which he might conjecture 
of any certaine disease ; at length pry- 
ing very curiously, under his bed hee 
spide a saddle. Whereupon hee came to 
the sicke party, and seriously told him, 
that he had now searcht into the nature 
of the disease ; for by feeling of his pulse 
he might well perceive, that he had 
taken a great surfeit, by eating of a horse : 
at which the Patient fell into such an 
extreame laughter, that his Impostume 
breaking, he was suddenly cured, and 
the fellow grew thereby more famous. 



Of 



Cot/edge.'] 



Moderne Jests. 



97 



Of Peter Martyr. 

/^vNE Peter Martyr a great Scholler, 
and very famous in his time, had 
beene a long suiter for a Bishopricke, 
but was still crost in his suite : At last 
foure Fryers Confessours were preferred 
together to foure vacant Seas, and he not 
remembred. Which hee hearing of, said, 
Methinks amongst so many Confessours, 
one Martyr would not have done amisse. 

A young Master of Arts. 

A YOUNG Master of Arts, the very 
next day after the Commencement, 
having his course to a common place in 
the Chappell, where were divers that but 
the day before had taken their degree, 
chose his Text out of the eight Chapter 



Of 

Peter 
Martyr. 



A young 
Master of 
Arts. 



N 



Of 



9 8 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part III. 



of Job ; the words were these, We are 
but of yesterday \ and know nothing. This 
Text, saith he, doth fitly divide it selfe 
into two Branches ; our Standing, and 
our Understanding : our Standing, in 
these words, Wee are hit of Yesterday : 
our Understanding, We know nothing. 



Two 
Schollers. 



T 



Two Schollers. 

WO Schollers of the same Col- 
ledge, the one called Paine, the 
other Culpepper, were both in fault, but 
Paine in the lesse. At last when the 
offence came to be censured, it was no 
lesse than expulsion from the Colledge. 
But Culpepper, though the greater de- 
linquent, finding more friends, had his 
sentence taken off, and liberty to remaine 
still in the house ; but the other suffered 



for 



Colledge.'] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



99 



for example. A little after, a Master of 
Arts of another house comming to visite 
a friend of his, that was of the Colledge 
where this was done ; amongst other dis- 
course, askt what became of the businesse 
betwixt the two Schollers ; hee told him 
in briefe, how Paine that was in the 
least fault was punish' d, and Culpepper in 
the greater pardoned : whereupon he in- 
stantly replied, Nay, then I thinke Ovid 
did Prophesie of this, when he said, 
Poena perire potest, culpa perennis erit 



Of a Scholler married, 

A SCHOLLER that had married a 

young wife, and was still at his 

Booke, preferring his serious study before 

dalliance with her. At length, as shee 

was one day wantoning whilst he was 



Of a 

Scholler 
married. 



reading ; 



IOO 



Merry Tales. 



{Part III. 



reading ; Sir, saith shee, I could wish that 
I had beene made a Booke, for then 
you would still be poring upon me, and 
I should never, night nor day be out of 
your fingers. So would I (Sweet -heart) 
answered he, so I might chuse what 
booke. When she demanded of him 
what booke he would wish her to be : 
Marry good wife (saith he) an Alma- 
nacke, for so / might have every yeare a 
new one. 



An Epitaph. 

A GENTLEMAN having lost a deare 

Epitaph. J-\ 

friend of his, and willing to be- 
stow some monument upon him after his 
death, comes to a Scholler, desiring him 
to make him an Epitaph for that pur- 
pose ; he told him with all his heart, de- 



manding 



Co Hedge.'] Moderne Jests. 101 

manding what speciall vertues his friend 
had when he lived, for which he might 
commend him to posteritie. The Gentle- 
man answered, he never took notice of 
any particular vertues. He asked him 
then, what noted vices he was guiltie of ? 
He told him againe, not any that he knew, 
but that he was a good morall man, and 
more hee could not speake for him. The 
third question was, how old hee was when 
he departed his life : the Gentleman 
answered, he was just sixtie yeares of 
age. Whereupon the Scholler perceiving 
he was noteable for nothing, writ this 
Epitaph. 

Here lyes a man was borne, and cry'd, 
Told threescore years y fell sicke and dy'd. 



One 



102 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part III. 



One 

created 
Master of 
Arts. 



One created Master of Arts. 

HTWO Gentlemen meeting, saith one 
of 'em, would you beleeve that 
such a man being late at Oxford, had the 
courtesie done him to be made Master of 
Arts ? that Dunce ? replied the other : 
O yes without Question. 



Of cough- 
ing in 
ones 

Grave. 



Of coughing in ones Grave. 

A MASTER of Arts acting in a Tra- 
gedy, his part was to be slain e 
upon the stage : which was accordingly 
personated, and he lay seemingly dead a 
great while, before the time came that 
hee should be taken away. At last a 
passion tooke him, and forced him to 
cough so loud, that the generall audi- 
tory perceived it. Whereupon many of 



them 



Colledge.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



103 



them fell into a great laughter, but he 
rising up excused it thus : You may see 
what it is (Gentlemen) to drinke in ones 
porridge, for he shall cough in his Grave. 



Of the twelve Signes, 



o 



NE being desirous to know what j °f the 

! twelve 

twelve severall Nations, nearest | Signes. 
resemble the twelve moneths, having 
their severall influences from them, was 
by one that stood by, in Distichs, thus 
answered. 

1. Aquarius bids the Russian at home 

tarry. 
And use baths, furres, and fires in 
January. 

2. Piscis in February bids keepe warme, 
Least haile, raine, snow, may doe the 

Lapland harme. 

3. March 



104 




Merry Tales. [Part III. 




3- 


March of Mars Savours, Aries M* 
Commander. 

To him belongs the Warlik Nether- 
lander. 




4- 


Aprill hath correspondence to the French ; 
And Taurus tells us that he loves a 
wench. 




5. 


In Gemini the Italian loves to play ; 
And therefore hee is like the moneth of 
May. 




6. 


The moneth of June is governed by the 

Crab : 
The Spaniard's hot, and he must have a 

Drabbe. 




7- 


In July the bright Sunne in Virgo 

swayes : 
The parched Moores are tanned by his 

rayes. 




8. 


Leo in August reignes : the Indian 
then. 


Though 



Colledge.] Moderne Jests. 105 


Though naked, may be counted amojigst 




men. 




9. The English, the Goate invites (as I 




remember}} 




To challenge to himself e tlw moneth of 




September. 




10. The Scorpion ripens Harvest in Oc- 




tober. 




The Germaine claimes that moneth. 




though seldome sober. 




11. The Austrian, who his sleepe doth never 




vary, 




November claimes sway'd by the Sagit- 




tary. 




12. Vpon th* Hungarian Aquarius powers, 




Many full pots fiWd by Decembers 




showers. 




A 



io6 



Witty Jeeves, 



[Part III. 



A Gentleman and a Parson. 



A Gentle- 
man and 
a Parson. 



POME pleasant Gentlemen riding by 
the High-way, espyed a Countrey 
Parson before them. Sayes one of them, 
yonder is a Scholler, let us mend our pace, 
and you shall heare me pose him with a 
question. They did so, and after a sleight 
salutation ; Master parson, saith he, I pray 
you can you resolve me what part of 
speech is Qui mihi decipulus f Yes sir, I 
can, replies the Parson ; Puer es, cupis at- 
que doceri. The words are so familiar, 
they neede no Interpreter. 



Of Bishop Gardiner. 



Of Bishop 
Gardiner. 



TITHEN Bishop Gardiner was de- 
posed by King Edward, and 
sent to the Tower, a fellow meeting him 



by 



Co Hedge ?[ 



Pleasant Taunts. 



107 



by the way, in great derision saluted him 
with a low congee, saying, good morrow 
Bishop Olim. O Gramercie Knave Sem- 
per, replyed the Bishop, and so they 
past. 



Playing with Words. 



A 



DIVINE willing to play more with Playing 

. with 

words than to be serious in the ! Words. 



expounding of his Text, made his wit 
runne descant in this manner. This 
Diall, saith he, shewes wee must die 
all ; yet notwithstanding, all houses are 
turned into Alehouses ; our eares are 
converted into cates ; our Paradice into 
a pare of Dice ; our Marriage to a 
Merry age ; our Matrimony, to a matter 
of money ; It was not so in the dayes 
of Noah, ah no, &c. 



io8 



Merry Tales. 



\P art III. 



A Witty 

Answer. 



Of a 

Transla- 
tor. 



A 



A Witty Answer. 

POORE Servitor that waited at the 
table in a Colledge Hall, snatched 
one of his Masters commons from his 
trencher, and eate it : for which being 
complain'd of to the Head of the House, 
and demanded why he did so ; he made 
answer, Opus & Usus, auferendi casus 
exigunt ; that being a rule in Grammer. 

Of a Translator. 

/^~\NE that had translated many vo- 
lumes, at length publishing the 
History of Suitonius Tranquillus in Eng- 
lish, a pleasant Gentleman writ this Dis- 
ticke. 

Philemon with Translations doth so fill us. 
He will not let Suetonius be Tranquillus. 



Colledge.~\ 



Moderne Jests. 



109 



A Scholler and a Townsman, 

A CERTAINE fellow with a Pitch- 
forke in his hand, was measuring 
a Townsman and a Scholler, setting them 
first backe to backe, and then after con- 
sidering them brow to brow : at length 
being ask'd which of them was highest ; 
I finde, saith hee, the Scholler to be 
higher than the Townsman, by thus much, 
pointing to the tines of his prong. 

A Traveller drowned. 

XT THEN a Gentleman heard that a 
Travellour, a friend of his, was 
drowned, hee fetcht a great sigh and said, 
Now God rest his soule, for he is gone 
the way of all flesh ; Nay, saith another 
then standing by, if he be drowned, he 
is rather gone the way of all Fish. 



A Scholler 
and a 
Towns- 
man. 



A Tra- 
veller 
drowned. 



no 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part III. 



A Doctors 
Answer. 



A Doctors Answer. 

A WORTHY Doctor, amongst many 
other charitable deeds, made a faire 
causey at his owne charge, to the great 
benefit of the Country : and being there 
one day in person, and to visite the la- 
bourers, it hapned that a Noble man rid 
that way, and knowing him, gave him a 
kinde salutation : but withall, thinking to 
break e a Jest upon him ; Mr. Doctor, 
saith he, for all your charges and paines, 
I beleeve not, that this is the high way 
to heaven. I am of your minde in that 
(my Lord) replied the Doctor, for if it 
were, / should have wondred to have met 
your Lordship here. 



Of 



Co I ledge.'] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



in 



Of a Doctor of Physick, and a 
Servingman. 

/^VNE thinking to put a tricke upon 
an excellent Doctor of Physicke, 
had mingled the powder of a bricke-bat 
with his water in his Vrinall, which set- 
ling to the bottome, shewes just like red 
gravell that comes from the Kidneyes. 
This done, hee shew'd it to the Doctor, 
and told him it was his Masters water, 
who lay in grievous paine, desiring his 
worships counsell, what would give him 
ease. The Doctor chafed up and downe, 
and tried it by the fire, and in conclusion 
found out the fellowes knavery. Where- 
upon, cunningly closing with him, friend 
(saith he) wouldst thou have my advice 
to prevent this terrible disease, growing 



Of a 

Doctor of 
Physick, 
and a 
Serving- 
man. 



on 



112 



Merry Tales. 



[Part III. 



A Doctor 
and a 
Scholler. 



on thy Master ? Yes sir, replyed the 
fellow, that was the cause of my com- 
ming to your worship. Then tell him, 
all that I can prescribe at this time, is, 
That he eate no more brick-bats : at which 
word he broke the Urinall upon his pate, 
and so left him. 

A Doctor and a Scholler. 

A N Vniversitie Doctor, hearing a fel- 
low Commoner speake louder at 
dinner than the rest, bad a Servitor that 
waited goe to him, and tell him Vir sapit, 
qui pauca loquitur ; which being de- 
livered him, commend me, saith he, to 
Mr. Doctor, and tell him againe, Vir 
loquitur, qui pauca sapit. 



An 



Co I ledge. 1 Moderne Jests. 113 


An Eftigrame. 




l/TON one that had an exceeding An E P l - 

\l grame. 

long nose, and great gag'd teeth, 


standing some distance one from ano- 




ther ; Sir T. More made this Epigram. 




Si tuus in solem statnatnr nasus hiante, 




Ore, bene ostendes dentibus hora quota est. 




Thus Englished. 




Gape 'gainst the Sunne, and by thy teeth 




and nose, 




Tis easie to perceive how the day goes. 




A moderate Drinker. 




A GENTLE man of a very temperate \ A mode ~ 

J-\ ! rate 

dyet, sitting at table where there \ Drinker. 


was great plenty of wine, drunke very 




sparingly ; which being observed by an- 




other that sate over against him ; Sir, 




P saith 





ii4 



Witty Jeeves. 



\_P art III. 



A Boyes 
answer to 
Queene 
Elizabeth. 



saith he, if none in the world would 
drinke more than you, wine would be 
cheape. Nay rather (replied the other) 
if all men did drinke as I doe, it would 
make wine very deare ; for I drinke as 
much as I can. 

A Boyes answer to Queene 
Elizabeth. 

QVEENE Elizabeth comming to the 
Free - Schoole, which shee had 
erected in Westminster ; pleasantly asked 
a Boy, how often he had beene whipt : 
the Boy answered her with that Verse 
out of Virgil, 

Infandum Regina jubes renovere dolor em. 
She liking his answer, for it was sud- 
daine, and apposite, gave him some 
money, which he receiving, said, 

Quis, 



Colledge.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



ii5 



Quis, nisi mentis inops, oblatum respuit 
anrum f 
As the same Poet hath it in another 
place. The Queene was much taken 
with his wit, and a little after, as soone 
as he was capable, tooke occasion to 
preferre him. 



Bellarmine confuted. 

A MINISTER was very envious 
against Bellarmine, and used to 
buffet him in the Pulpit, still when he 
found him crosse to his opinion, saying ; 
Ha Bellarmine, Art thou there with thy 
Beares ? I will be with my Dogs anon, 
and baite thee. But Tie confute thee in 
one word, Bellarmine thou lyest ; and sure 
it is great pitty, that such a fellow as 
tliou art should have so much learning. 



Bellar- 
mine 
confuted. 



Of 



u6 


Merry Tales. \Part II L 




Of the Word Ominous. 


Of the 
Word 
Ominous. 


A GENTLEMAN (no great Clarke 
you may imagine) hearing the 




word Ominous twice or thrice iterated, 




demanded of one that sate by, what the 




true Etimologie and signification of the 




word was. I will tell you sir, replied the 




other: An Oxford Scholler, a hard Stu- 




dent, sitting up late one night, his Candle 




went out, insomuch as he was forced to 




goe downe in the darke to light it, but 




by the way, hitting his nose against the 




post, he cryed out, my nose : and so the 




word came first in use. 
s 


An 



Colledge^] Moderne Jests. 


117 


An Epitaph on Mr, Kitching, 




TT ERE lyes in the faire flower of his 

youth, 
Once his friends joy, and now his parents 


An Epi- 
taph on 
Mr. 
Kitching. 


ruth. 




Since Kitching was his name, as I have 




found, 




I see Death keepes his Kitching under 




ground : 




And the poore Wormes that flesh of late 




did eate, 




Devoure their Kitching now for want of 




meate. 




Such was his end, and Reader it must 




be, 




As well thy mine, as the end of me. 




Of 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part III, 



Of a 

Doctor of 
Physicke 
that lay 
sicke. 



Of a Doctor of Physicke that 
lay sicke. 

A DOCTOR of Physicke, unmarried, 
was so extremely sick of an im- 
postume, that all the Colledge had given 
him over. His men seeing how the case 
stood with their Master, every one began 
to rifle the Chamber, and lay hands 
upon what they could spie, not leaving 
him so much as the cloathes he was 
wont to weare : which an Ape, he had 
then, observing, thought hee would do as 
the rest did, and searching about, could 
finde nothing save his Doctors Cap, 
which hee put upon his owne head, and 
in that posture came and sate downe by 
the bed-side : the sicke man seeing him, 
fell into so violent a laughter, that his 

Impostume 



Colledge^\ 



Pleasant Taunts. 



119 



Impostume broke, and he by that meanes 
was recovered. 

Of Women. 

f~\ N E that in all his discourse in- 
veighed against women, was there- 
fore sharpely reproved by some Gentle- 
men. Amongst the rest, one of them askt 
him, why hee was so virulent against 
them, whereas many learned men had 
filled volumes with their praises. I, I, 
saith hee, those learned men writ what 
women ought to be, but I tell you what 
they are. 



of 

Women. 



An 



120 



Merry Tales. 



{Part III. 



An 
Epitaph. 



An Epitaph. 

f~\ DE US omnipotens vituli miserere 

Johannis, 
Quern mors prceveniens non sinit esse 
bovem. 
The same Paraphrased. 
Heaven of his soule take charge, who of 

His time did live but halfe, 
Who might have growne to be an 0xe y 
But dyd {you see) a Calfe. 



A young 

Schollers 

devise. 



A young Schollers devise. 

A YOUNG Academian having runne 
himselfe into deepe Arrerages, and 
knowing his father to be close fisted, 
could not tell which way to fetch over 
the old man for money. At last, having 
cast many projects in his head, and find- 



ing 



Co Hedge.'] 



Moderne Jests. 



21 



ing that none of them would take, he 
wrote in conclusion a lamentable letter 
to his father, to certifie him that he was 
dead, and earnestly desired him, to send 
him up money to defray the charges of his 
buriall. 

A Colledge-Cooke, and a young 
Scholler. 

np H E Master Cooke of a Colledge 
serving up dinner, gave a Neates 
tongue to a Scholler to carry to the 
table : the Scholler not having full hold 
of it let it fall, so that it was not fit for 
service ; whereat the Cook was angry 
and gave him some unseemely language : 
but the Scholler replyed, I prithee, Cooke, 
fret not thy selfe, it was but Lapsus 
linguce. 



A Col- 
ledge- 
Cooke, and 
a young 
Scholler. 



122 


Witty Jeeves. {Part III. 




A Physiognomer. 


A Physi- 


/^~\NE that was a great Practisioner 
of Physiognomie, reading late at 


ognomer. 




night, hapned upon a place which sayd 




hayrie men for the most part are dull, 




and a thicke long beard betokened a 




foole. He tooke downe his looking- 




glasse in one hand, and held the candle 




in the other to observe the growth and 




fashion of his owne ; holding it so long, 




till at length by accident he fired it : 




whereupon he wrote on the Margent (as 




well hee might) Probatum est. 




Upon the burning of a Schoole. 


Upon the 
burning 
of a 

Schoole. 


i. 

TJZHA T heate of learning kindled your 

desire, 
( Ye Muses sonnes) to set your house on fire? 


What 



Colledge.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



123 



What love of learning in your brests did 
burne, 

Those sparkes of vertue into flames to 
turne ? 

Or was't some higher cause ? were the hot 
Gods, 

Venus and Vulcan {old friends) now at 
odds ? 

If that be so, then never let the Dolt 

Be prais'd for making Armes, or thunder- 
bolt. 

Let Poets pennes paint onely his disgrace, 

His clubby foote, horrid brow, and sooty 
face. 



What ere was cause, sure ill was the event 
Which justly all the Muses may lament. 
But above all (for names sake) Poly- 
phymny 



Beivayle 



124 



Merry Tales. 



IP art III. 



Bewayle the downefall of the learned 

chimney. 
There might you see, where without speech 

or sence, 
Lay the sad ashes of an Accidence. 
What number then of Nounes to wracke 

did goe ? 
As Domus, Liber, and a great sort moe. 
A wofull case ! No Case the flame did 

spare : 
Each Gender in this losse had common 

share. 



There might you see the ruefull Declina- 
tions, 

The fifteene Pronouns, and foure Conjuga- 
tions. 

Some Gerunds Di, and Do were over- 
come. 



TV 



Colledge.] 



Moderne Jests. 



125 



TJi other with heate and smoake was 

quite strucke Dum. 
Supines lay gasping upwards voyde of 

Sences : 
The Moodes grew mad to see imperfect 

Tenses. 
Adverbs of place were throwne downe 

lofty stories, 
As Ubi, Ibi, illic, intus, foris. 
Conjunctions so disjoyrid, as yotc would 

wonder 
No coupling there, but it was burnt 

asunder. 



4- 
The Praepositions knew not where to be : 
Each Interjection cry'd, Jiei ! woe is 

me. 
For the due joyning of which words 



126 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part III. 



Cold 
Weather. 



A Neighbour calVd qui mihi come a- 

maine : 
Else sure the fire had into flames them 

turrid : 
Now 'gan the flames the Heteroclites to 

cumber, 
And poore Supellex lost his Plurall 

Number ; 
Of Verbes there had beene left scarce one 

in twenty. 
Had there not, come by chance 

As in praesenti. 

Cold Weather. 

/^\ N E blowing the fire in Winter 
^^^ time, by chance the snout of the 
bellowes dropped off, which he finding, 
sayd, the weather is very cold, for the 
bellowes nose dropt. 

Lawyers 



Colledge.~] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



127 



Lawyers and Souldiers. 

TF Lawyers had for tearnie, a tearme of 

warre, 
Souldiers would be as rich as Lawyers 

are. 
But here's the difference betiveene gunnes 

and gownes. 
These take good angels, tti other take 

crackt crowttes. 



A Metamorphosis of fooles. 

/^~\NE sayd Vaine-glorious fooles were 
turned into Asses, gluttonous fooles 
into Swine, pleasant fooles into Apes, 
proud fooles into Peacockes, and fantas- 
tique fooles into Butter-Ayes. 



Lawyers 

and 

Souldiers. 



A Meta- 
morphosis 
of fooles. 



Plato s 



128 



Merry Tales. 



IP art III. 



Plato's 
yeare. 



Plato's yeare. 

r | "WO Schollers lay so long at an 
Inne, that they had not only 
spent all their money, but also runne in 
dept : wherefore to quit themselves, they 
told their Host of Platoes great yeare, 
and how that time sixe and thirty thou- 
sand yeares, the world should bee againe 
as it now was, and they should be in 
the same Inne and chamber againe ; de- 
siring with all that he would trust them 
till then. I (replyed my Host) I beleeve 
its true, that you will bee here sixe and 
thirtie thousand yeares hence, and with- 
out money too, just as you now are : 
therefore (by your leaves) / will see the 
house discharged, ere I let you goe. 



Colledge.'] Modeme Jests. 129 


A Souldier begging of a 




Scholler. 




A SOULDIER begging by chance of 

a poore Scholler, the Scholler 

asked him by what authority he went 


A 

Souldier 
begging 
of a 
Scholler. 


so a begging. Sir, sayd the Souldier, I 




have a license ; the Scholler replyed 




againe, Well thou mayst have lice, but 




sence thou hast none, to beg of a poore 




Scholler. 




A pretty passage. 




A T my writing of these same, being 
by chance in my study after sup- 


A pretty 
passage. 


per, my candle went out, insomuch that 




I was faine to call one that waited on 




me, to light it againe. He came, tooke 




R it 



130 Witty Jeeves. {Part III 

it with him, and holding by the candle 
onely (which it seems strucke pretty fast 
in the sticke) after hee had lighted it, he 
lost the Candlesticke by the way ; and 
albeit was a heavie Pewter one, never 
mist it, till he came to set it downe. I 
asked him for my Candlesticke, hee 
star'd upon me awhile, and swore he had 
lost it : But by your good leave sir, sayd 
he, I will drinke first, (as I had then a 
tanckard of some Beere by me) and then 
He finde it. He did so, I laught heartily 
at the passage, and presently, whilst it 
tickled my fancie, inserted it here for a 
Memorandum. 



Colledge.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



I3i 



A Funerall Sermon, 

A DIVINE, Preaching a funerall Ser- 
mon for one that had lived and 
dyed badly, sayd to his Neighbours : 
how he lived yon know. How he dyed I 
know. And zvhere he is God knoives. Thus 
much by way of Praeface, now to my 
Text. 

Two Schollers and a Miller. 

r I A WO Schollers merrily disposed, see- 
ing a Miller ride before 'em on 
the high way, spurred up their Hack- 
neyes to overtake him, with a purpose to 
Jeere him : and when they came at him, 
sayd one of them, God speed (Miller!) 
whether art thou (if a man may aske) 
more foole or knave ? the Miller (riding 



A 

Fimerall 

Sermon. 



Two 

Schollers 
and a 
Miller. 



betwixt 



132 



Merry Tales. 



\_P art III. 



betwixt both) answered, Truely Gentle- 
men I am betweene both. 



A conceite 
of a 
Woman. 



A conceite of a Woman. 

A WOMAN is a booke, and often 

found, 
To prove far better in the sheets, than 

bound : 
No marvaile then, why men take such 

delight 
Above all things, to study in the 

night. 



A Jest 
upon a 
Goose. 



A Jest upon a Goose. 

A GENTLEMAN called Mr. Eaton, 

being a good house keeper, and a 

very pleasant man at Table, upon a 

time admitted a plaine Scholler amongst 

other 



Colledge."] 



Moderne Jests. 



133 



other guests ; who fell close to those 
dishes that stood before him, without of- 
fering any discourse at all. The Master 
of the house (supposing there was no 
more in him, than he outwardly made 
shew of) thought to put a trick upon 
him ; and when a fat goose was brought 
to the table, he carved liberally to every 
one, saving him. At length (as if he 
before forgot him) he took a peece, & 
offering to lay it upon his trencher, sayd, 
A nd will you eate any ? Goose. Which 
the Scholler observing sayd nothing for 
the present : but when the Table was 
cleared, saith hee to the Master of the 
house, Sir I thank you for my good 
cheare, the Goose is Eaton, to which he 
gave such an accent that the other ap- 
prehending it, sayd, and how meant you 
that ? even as I spake replyed the 



Scholler 



134 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part III 



Scholler : the Goose is Eaton, or Eaton 
is the Goose: all is but one. 



Of early 
rising. 



Of early rising. 

QOME Schollers having agreed to rise 
early next morning, and to goe a 
coursing, one of them overslept himselfe, 
and loving his bed well, scarce got up 
by dinner time, the other neverthelesse 
went accordingly as they had purposed 
over night, and sped so well, that by 
evening they were marching home with a 
lease of Hares : about which time, this 
Lazer walking that way meetes them, 
congratulates their good successe, and 
returnes backe with them. But they 
taxe him for breaking his word, and 
aske him if he did not promise to goe 
along. I, I confesse it, saith he, I did 



promise 



Colledge.~\ 



Pleasant Taunts. 



135 



promise you to rise, but the truth is, / 
did lye. 



A Major of Oxford. 

A MAJOR of Oxford having fallen 
out with the President and fel- 
lowes of Mawdlin Colledge, soone after 
it, fell into a deepe melancholy ; and his 
wife earnestly pressing to know the cause 
of his discontent : O (saith he) let me 
alone : I have a tricke in my head will 
undoe Mawdlin Colledge : his wife in- 
treating him to tell what it might be : 
Quoth he, if I could but prove that 
Henry the eight were before Henry the 
seventh, I would tricke them ifaith. 



A Major 
of Oxford. 



of 



136 



Merry Tales. 



\P art III. 



Of M. Coales, and M. Billet. 



Of 

M. Coales, 

and 

M. Billet. 



A YOUNG Scholler comming to see 
a fresh fire, and perceiving none 
to be admitted but Masters of Arts, calls 
to the Porter, and tells him that hee was 
a kinsman of the Presidents ; whom when 
the Porter had let in, hee carries him 
to his Master, and tells him that that 
Gentleman desired entrance as his kins- 
man. When the President demanded 
how he came to bee so, he answered, hee 
knew not by what meanes, But that his 
name was billet and his worships Coales. 
Upon which pleasant answere the Presi- 
dent dismist him. 



Colledge^\ 



Moderne Jests. 



137 



A Priest 
and a 
Patron. 



A Priest and a Patron, 

A BENEFICE being voyd, one 
neither of extraordinary learning, 
nor most commendable life came to the 
Patron, and intreated him to bestow the 
advowson upon him, who being acquaint- 
ed with his insufficiencie, denyed him in 
these words, if I had an hundred bene- 
fices in my gift, I protest I would not 
conferre one of them upon thee. The 
Priest did presently reply, if I had a 
hundred sermons to make, onely you in 
my prayers should be unremembred. 

Of a Scholler and his Sweet- 
heart. 



A YOUNG Scholler lighting upon a Of a 

j Scholler 

handsome wench, had agreed with and his 

J Sweet- 
er to carry her into the Colledge, for heart. 



which 



138 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part III. 



which purpose he had provided a large 
basket, wherein he put her, and covered 
her with rootes, Lettice, and such like 
commodities, and so carried it in upon 
his shoulders, as though he brought 
some provision for the house. But by 
the way, the bottome of the basket 
fayled, and the wenches legs did hang 
downe, and were visible as high as the 
garter. One meeting him asked him 
what burden he was carrying to the 
Colledge, who answered rootes and 
hearbes for sallets. And I commend 
thee quoth the other that thou hast the 
wit to provide such good flesh for thy 
sallets. 



Of 



Colledge.~] 



Pleasant Tamits. 



139 



Of one that came to take 
Orders. 



o 



N E comming before one of the , Of one 

i that ca?ne 



Bishops Chaplaines to be exa- 
mined, before he entred into orders : 
being a dunce, and knowing his owne 
insufficiencie : tooke a Scholler, his friend, 
along with him, to stand at his elbow and 
prompt him ; The sentence proposed unto 
him by the examiner, was : Quid levins 
fumo ? id est. What is lighter than 
smoake ? and asking him what quid signi- 
fied ? what, saith the prompter : what f 
saith he, in a cleane contrary accent : He 
askt him next what Levis was : The 
prompter whispered in his eare, More 
light, more light, saith he, as if he had 
call'd for Candles, or to have had the 



to take 
Orders. 



Casements 



140 



Merry Tales. 



{Part III. 



Casements set open : He askt him then 
the interpretation of fumo : then smoake, 
saith the prompter, than a S7nocke, saith 
the dunce : at which the Chaplaine smiled, 
and thinking hee had answered rather 
wittily, than ignorantly, admitted him. 



On small Beere. 



On small 
Beere. 



A 



CITIZEN at his owne house, drink- 
ing to a Gentleman in a cup of 
sixe-shillings Beere ; presented the bowle 
to him with these words : Sir I will 
assure you, though it be small, yet it 
is fresh. The Gentleman when he had 
tasted it, made answere ; you say right 
indeede sir, it is as fresh as if it had 
laine all night in water. 



An 



Colledge.~\ 



Modeme Jests. 



141 



An Old Latine verse, made 
witty use of. 

r 1 ^HERE is an Hexameter in Virgill, 

Quis, nisi mentis inops, oblatum 

respuat aurum ? 

Now two Schollers drinking a cup of 

beere to their mornings draught, one of 

them, tooke the pot in his hand and 

sayd, Domine prcebibo tibi totum poculnm. 

The other instantly replyed, Quis, nisi 

mentis inops oblatum respuit ollum ?' 



Of the Masse. 

QOME Cambridge Schollers reasoning 

together, one of them would have 

the word Masse never once named, but 

to be abandoned quite, and in time for- 



An Old 

Latine 

verse, 

made 

witty tise 

of. 



Ofthe 

Masse. 



gotten. 



142 



Witty Jeeres. 



IP art III. 



gotten. Wherefore in steed of Michael- 
masse, Christmas, &c. hee would have it 
sayd, Michael-tide, Christ-tide, Candle-tide, 
and so of the rest. This one in the 
Company would by no meanes approve 
of : for, saith he, my name is Thomas, 
so is many an honest mans more ; and 
why, for what reason, should we be 
called Tom-tides ? 



Of three 
Cam- 
bridge 
Schollers. 



Of three Cambridge Schollers. 

r 1 "WO Gentlemen Schollers, that were 
brothers, and their name Buck 
having (when Buckes were in season) 
two Venison Pasties to supper ; by 
chance came in one Mr. Cooke, sate 
downe, and was bid welcome : who 
observing their cheere, and thinking to 
play upon the Gentlemen, sayd, here is 



Buck, 



Colledge.~\ 



Pleasant Taunts. 



43 



Buck, Buck, Buck, and Buck. True, re- 
ply ed one of the brothers, and Buck and 
Buck is good meate, but I pray you re- 
member the Proverbe, the other asked 
him what Proverbe : Marry (saith he) 
God sends meate, and the Devill sends 
Cookes. 



A simple fellow es Answere. 

A PLAIN E simple fellow that had 
for many yeares together belonged 
to a Colledge, and done the Drudgery 
worke of the house, was by chance in 
the Quadrangle, when one that was for- 
merly of the foundation, but had long 
discontinued, came in well attended, to 
give the Master and fellowes a visit. 
This Gentleman knowing him, called him 
by his name, and asked him if he had 



A simple 
fellowes 
Answere. 



ever 



144 



Merry Tales. 



{Part III. 



A 

Scholler 
and a 
Dyer. 



ever seene him before. The Groome 
looking well upon him, and remembring 
his countenance, made answere, O yes, 
(if it like your worship) I knew you 
from your first comming to the Colledge, 
when you were a very scurvie Boy. 

A Scholler and a Dyer. 

A N University Dyer, a very [bad 
Husband, complained to a Schol- 
ler that he had ill successe in his trade, 
and that his colours did not prove well. 
The Scholler told him, the onely way to 
helpe that, was to amend his life : for it 
was not possible he which lived ill could 
dye well. 



Vp07l 



Co Hedge.'] 



Modeme Jests. 



H5 



Vpon old Hobson the Carrier 
of Cambridge. 



JLJERE Hobson lyes, who did most vpon old 

JL JL Hobson 

tritely prove the Carrier 

; of Cam- 
That he could never dye, whilst he did bridge. 

move : 
So sung his destinie, never to rot, 
Whilst he might still jog on, and keepe 

his trot. 
Made of spheares mettall, never to decay, 
Vntill his resolution was at stay. 
Time numbers motion, yet without all ] 

crime 
'Gainst truth, 'twas motion numbred out 

his time: 
And like some engine moov'd with wheele 

and weight, 



His 



146 Witty Jeeves. [Part III. 

His principles being seasd, he ended 

straight 
Rest, that gives all us life } gave him his 

death y 
And too much breathing put him out of 

breath : 
Nor were it contradiction to affirme, 
Too long vacation hastned on his Terme. 
Ease was his chief e disease, and to judge 

right 
He dy'd for heavinesses that his Carts 

were light. 
His leasure told him that his time was 

come. 
And lack of load made his life burden- 
some. 
For had his doings lasted as they were y 
He had beene an immor tall carrier. 
Obedient to the Moone he spent his date y 
In course reciprocall; and had his fate 

Linckt 



Co I ledge. 1 



Pleasant Taunts. 



H7 



Linckt to the mutuall flowing of the seas : 
Yet (strange to thinke) his waine was his 

disease. 

His letters are delivered all, and gone ; 
Onely remaines this superscription. 

Hobsons Epitaph. 

JLTERE Hobson lyes amongst his many Hobsons 

1 1 Epitaph. 

debterSy 
A man unlearned, yet of many letters : 
The Schollers well can testifie as much. 
That have received them from his preg- 
nant pouch. 
His carriage was well knowne oft f have 



In Embassie y twixt father and the Sonne. 
In Cambridge few (in good time be it 

spoken) 
But well remembreth him by some good 

token. 



From 



148 



Merry Tales. 



\_P art III. 



From thence to London rode he day by 
day, 

Till death benighted him, he lost his way. 

No wonder is it y that he thus is gone, 

Since most men knew he long was draw- 
ing on. 
j His Teame was of the best, nor could he 
have 

Bin mir'd in any ground, but in his 
grave : 

And there he stickes indeede, still at a 
stand, 
I Vntill some Angell lende a helping hand. 

So rest in peace thou ever -toy ling swaine, 

And supreame Waggoner, next to Charls- 
waine. 



The end of the first Book. 



BANQVET 

OF 

COVNTREY 

AND 

CITIE IESTS. 
Lib. 2. Part 4. 

Experire, ne ride, 
fed ride tamen. 



LONDON, 

Printed for Richard Royfton, and 

are to be fold at his Shoppe 

in Ivie-Lane at the figne 

of the Angell 1 640. 



To the Reader 

as he deserves. 
READER, 

T PRESENT thee here with a booke, I dare not 
say with thy perusal, although the Authour 
spent many dayes in devising, and I some in revis- 
ing it : Yet at my first undertaking of the paines, 
I was not so senselesse, to attempt what I thought 
would not please ; but since, considering thou mayst 
be froward, thou mayst be curious, thou mayst be 
blockish, {for such there are, and some such we 
must expect ',) considering I say, the divers and 
choyse pallats every publike feast must entertaine, 
and withall, the homelinesse of ours, I altogether 
despaired of giving fidl satisfaction. Notwith- 



standing, 



152 To the Reader. 



standing, concerning this new impression, thus 
much I can tell tltee, there are some things super- 
stuous blurred out, and some things not unapposite 
(I thinke) are added. If thou canst not love, ob- 
taine so much command over thy selfe, and pas- 
sions, as not to contemne ; and I shall re7naine, 



Thine 



Anonymos, 



CITIE 



CITIE JESTS, 



Lib. II. Part IV. 



A Counsellour and his Client. 

/^ANE making a long and tedious 
speech to a grave Counsellour, in 
the conclusion thereof, made an Appol- 
logie to excuse himselfe, for being so 
troublesome. Troublesome ? replied the 
Counsellour, I can assure you, no sir; 
you have not beene troublesome to me 
at all : for all the while you were speak- 
ing, my minde was of another matter. 



A Coun- 
sellour 
and his 
Client. 



Of 



154 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part IV. 



Of a 

Countrey 

man. 



Of a Countrey man. 

A SIMPLE Countrey man having 
Terme-businesse in London y and 
being somewhat late abroad in the night, 
was stay'd by a Constable, and some- 
what harshly entreated : the poore man 
observing how imperiously he command- 
ed him, demanded of him what he was, 
he told him he was a Constable, and 
that was his Watch. And I pray you 
sir, for whom watch you ? (saith the 
man) marry, answered the Constable, I 
watch for the King. For the King ? re- 
plies hee againe simply : then I beseech 
you Sir, that I might passe quietly and 
peaceably by you to my lodging : for I 
can bring you a certificate from some of 
my neighbours, who are now in towne, 
that I am no such man. 



Ci tie.] 



Pleasant Tatmts. 



155 



A Gentleman and a Barbar. 



A 



BARBAR comming finically about A Gentle- 
man and 
a gentleman, was (as the most of 



them are) terrible full of talke : at length 
he found the leasure to aske if he would 
be trimm'd. Marry my friend (replied 
the Gentleman) if thou canst possibly, 
doe it in silence. 

A Papist and a Puritan. 

A PAPIST and a Puritan being next 
neighbours, and travelling by the 
high-way, where stood a woodden Crosse; 
the Papist put off his hat, and so past 
by : at which his neighbour onely smiled 
to himselfe and said nothing. But walk- 
ing further, and passing by a tree that 
stood in the way, and not seeing him 



a Barbar. 



A Papist 
and a 
Puritan. 



move 



156 



Merry Tales. 



{Part IV. 



move to that : Neighbour (saith he) I 
pray you in courtesie, will you resolve 
me a question ? with all my heart (re- 
plied the other) so that if occasion be 
offered, you'le doe me the like. Both 
agreed : now then neighbour, saith the 
Puritan, I would know why you did not 
the like reverence unto the Tree, that 
you did unto the Crosse, being both one 
wood : the reason of that (saith the other) 
you shall soone know, but one thing first 
I must know of you : this morning, when 
you tooke leave of your wife, Why did 
you kisse her lippes, and not her taile, see- 
ing they were both made of one flesh ? 



Of 



Citie^] 



Moderne Jests. 



157 



Of a Frieze yerkings. 

A N honest good fellow having worne 
a thredbare Jerkin, for the space 
of two yeares and a halfe : as soone as 
hee had compassed another such, for 
the good service it had done him, he 
made on it this Epitaph. 
Here lie in peace, thou patient overcommer. 
Of two cold Winters, and one scorching 
Summer. 



Of a 

Frieze 

Jerkings. 



A great Eater. 

A GENTLEMAN riding downe into 
the Countrey, was askt by his 
friend, what was the best newes at Lon- 
don ; who answered he had, by reason 
of his sudden, and unexpected comming 
downe, not listned after any : Onely, 



A great 
Eater. 



wot 



158 



Witty Jeeves, 



[Part IV. 



woG you what ? (saith he). It is re- 
ported that Woolner the great Eater 
hath lost his Stomacke : to whom the 
other replyed, If a poore man hath found 
it, he is directly undone. 

A Gentleman and a Citizen. 



A Gentle- 
man and 
a Citizen. 



A GENTLEMAN and a Citizen walk- 
ing together, just before them 
went two Aldermen. Saith the Gentle- 
man to the other, there goes a Cuckold : 
at which the Citizen, his supposed friend, 
taking exceptions, tells the other what 
was spoken. Whereupon they made a 
complaint, and bearing him before the 
Major, the parties appeare, witnesse is 
call'd, the words justified : but the 
Gentleman pleads a mistake : for (quoth 
he) I said not by either of these worthy 



Citizens, 



Cttie."] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



159 



Citizens, there goes a Cuckold, but the 
words that I spak, were, There goes a 
Couple. I, was it so saith the Major? if 
it were no otherwise, the matter is an- 
swered, and I here discharge you the 
Court. 



A Clarke of a Chttrck. 

'np HE Clarke of a Church having re- 
ceived some discontentment from 
the Parish, grew sullen upon it, and when 
Sunday came, that hee was to give out 
a Psalme, he sate still in his seate, 
and would not so much as open his 
lippes. But being often call'd upon, at 
last, looking somewhat doggedly upon 
the matter, Sing (saith he) to the praise 
of God, Quicunque vult ; and presently 
went out of the Church. 



A Clarke 
of a 
Church. 



of 



i6o 



Merry Tales. 



IP art IV. 



Of a 

Cheese- 
monger. 



Of a Cheesemonger. 

A PURITAN comming to a Cheese- 
monger, to buy a Gossips, or 
Groaning Cheese, because his wife was 
ready to lye downe, the Master of the 
shop offered him a taste of that which 
he seemed best to like : who before he 
would put it to his mouth, he put his 
hat to his eyes, and began- a long grace : 
which the Cheesemonger seeing ; nay 
(saith he) since you meane, instead of 
a taste f to make a meale out of my Cheese, 
I assure you, you shall buy none here : 
for I can not afford it after that rate, 
and measure. 



One 



Ci tie.'] 



Moderne Jests. 



161 



One with a great nose. 

A GENTLEMAN with an extra- 
ordinary great nose, was walking 
along Cheapside ; when an unhappy 
Prentice boy meeting him, made a sud- 
den stand, at which the Gentleman mu- 
sing, made a stand likewise, and asked 
him why hee did not keepe his way ? 
the Lad answered, Sir, I would gladly 
passe by you, but I canot for your nose. 
The Gentleman loth to be too much 
observed, or occasion of any tumult in 
the street, with his finger hee put his 
nose on the one side, and said, Now youth, 
you may freely passe, the way lyes plaine 
before you. 



One with 
a great 
nose. 



An 



62 



Witty Jeeres. 



[PartlV. 



An Eng- 
lish man 
at a 
French 
Ordi- 
narie. 



An English man at a French 
Ordinarie, 

A N English man being in France, and 
at an Ordinary, where amongst 
other dishes were Woodcocks at the 
table ; the English Gentleman some what 
before his time : tooke one of the Wood- 
cocks heads, and pickt it, which one of 
the Mounsieurs observing, and thinking 
with his fine wit to play upon him ; I 
have (saith he) ever noted these English 
men, that wheresoever Woodcocks are 
serv'd in, their fingers will be ever first 
in the dish ; the rest laught at the Jest ; 
and he for the present made no reply : 
but when the Table began to withdraw, 
and every one was silent, the English 
man fell into a great laughter ; and be- 



ing 



Citie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



163 



ing demanded the reason of it : troth 
(saith he) at a wondrous good Jest was 
made this night at Supper, which I pro- 
test hath so taken me, that / shall never 
hereafter see a Woodcocke, but I shall either 
thinke of that Mounsieur, or some of his 
Countrey-men. 



A Cheater and a Tapster. 

A FELLOW that was exceeding dry, 
and had no money, came to a 
Taphouse, and calling for a Can of beere, 
drunke it off; which done^ hee asked the 
Tapster if he had any bread : yes sir, 
saith he, you may have a whole dozen, 
if you please. No (saith the man) halfe 
a dozen will serve, and bring it in. The 
Tapster did so, and set them before him. 
Now, saith hee, because I will give thee 



A Cheater 
and a 

Tapster. 



1 64 Merry Tales. {Part IV. 



a good account, bring mee another Can 
of beere ; which was no sooner done, but 
he dranke it off, and withall gave him 
two penny loaves ; then call'd for the 
third, then for the fourth, till hee had 
made it up to a full halfe dozen, and still 
for every Can gave him a loafe : then he 
asked him what was to pay ; sixpence 
(saith the Tapster.) For what, saith the 
fellow ? the Tapster replied, for beere, 
Why, hadst thou not bread for thy beere, 
answered the other ? Why then, pay me 
for my bread, saith the Tapster. Had'st 
tlwu not thy bread agen, quoth the fel- 
low ? How can this be ? so whilst the 
Tapster was studdying to reconcile the 
intricate reckoning, he stept out of 
doores, and paide nothing. 



A 



Citie.] 



Moderne Jests. 



165 



A man on the Gallowes, 

/^NE that saw a poore fellow, in a 
very cold morning, upon the Gal- 
lowes in his shirt, and after a short con- 
fession ready to be turned off the Ladder : 
Alas poore man (saith he) I much pitty 
him ; he hath stood so long yonder in 
the cold, that / am affraid Jiee will goe 
neare to catch his death. 



Two scuffling in the Streete. 

A MAN and a woman being together 
by the yeares in the street ; and a 
great throng about them, a citizens wife 
passing that way by chance, demands of 
a Gentleman that came from the tumult, 
what the occasion of that uproare might 
be ? You are a whore (sayes the Gentle - 



A man 
on the 
Gallowes. 



Two 

scuffling 
in the 
Streete. 



man.) 



166 



Witty Jeeves. 



[PartlV. 



man.) How, quoth shee ? thou art an 
arrant Knave to call me whore ; I am as 
honest, as the skinne betwixt thy browes. 
But he presently very courteously put 
off his hat, and said, truely faire Gentle- 
woman, this was the occasion of their 
quarrell. 



A dru?ik- 
ard and 
his wife. 



A drunkard and his wife. 



A 



WOMAN had a husband that used 
to come home often disguised, and 
sometimes to lye along on the floore ; 
& stil when she offered to raise him 
from the ground, hee would not be re- 
moved, but answered, the Tenement is 
mine owne, I pay rent for it, and I may 
lye where I list. Some few nights, com- 
ming home in the like taking, and sitting 
in a chaire before the fire, hee fell a 



sleepe : 



Citie.~] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



167 



sleepe : the woman would have waked 
him, but could not, and therefore went 
up to bed, in which she was scarce warme, 
but the Maide cried out aloud, Mistresse, 
Mistresse, my Master is fallen out of the 
chaire, and lies in the midst of the fire, 
which she hearing, lay still, and an- 
swered ; let him alone, for, as long as he 
payes rent for the house, he may lye where 
he list 



Of a Horse and a Pecke of 
Oysters. 

A GENTLEMAN having rid hard 
in a wet morning, and comming 
into his Inne dropping drie, saw a good 
fire in the Hall, but set so round, that 
he could not get so much as shoulder 
roome : for the weather being wet, and 



Of a 

Horse and 
a Pecke of 
Oysters. 



cold. 



1 68 



Merry Tales. 



[Part IV. 



cold, no man would give him place. He 
having espied Oysters at the Inne gate, 
called in great haste to the Oastler, to 
give his horse instantly a pecke of Oys- 
ters, for he purposed to ride away before 
dinner. The Oastler was amazed, the 
rest wondered, but he would not rest till 
he saw them measured, and cast before 
his horse into the Manger. Strange it 
was to 'em all, to heare of a horse that 
would eate Oysters, and to behold the 
novelty, they left presently the fire, and 
ranne into the stable. In the interim the 
Gentleman warmes, and dries himselfe 
throughly from toppe to toe, at his 
pleasure. But they gaping like fooles 
some halfe an houre, came backe agen, 
and told him, his horse would not touch 
an Oyster. No, (saith he) will not the 
sullen Jade fall too ? Well Oastler, bring 



em 



Cttie.] 



Moderne Jests. 



6 9 



'em to me, and see what I can doe tvith 
'em : and, (doe you heare ?) give my 
horse so many Oates : which being done 
accordingly ; by that time the horse had 
made an end of his Oates, he had eaten 
his Oysters, the weather grew faire, and 
hee well dried, rode on his Journey. 

A famous Thief e. 

A FAMOUS Thiefe frequenting a cer- 
taine citie in England, acquainted 
himselfe with a Porter of one of the gates, 
and feed him with money, that still when 
he had beene abroad about any exploit, 
hee should be ready to let him in at what 
houre soever : and this hee used a long 
time, till at length, being taken, arraigned, 
and convicted for many robberies ; he was 
condemned, and the next day brought to 



A famous 
Thiefe. 



the 



170 



Witty Jeeres. 



IP art IV. 



the Gallowes ; where the Sheriffs perswad- 
ing him still to confesse more and more, 
at length he desired that they would send 
for the Porter : which was done accord- 
ingly, and the poore man came quaking, 
and trembling, and the people were in 
great expectation of some strange thing 
to be revealed. By this time the thiefe 
upon the ladder spies him, and the poore 
Porter in a pittifull feare, askes why he 
sent for him, and what hee had to say 
to him. To whom the thiefe replied : 
troth honest Porter, I onely sent for the, 
to tell thee, that if / come not in to night 
by twelve a cloacke, doe not tarry up for me, 
but goe to bed a Gods name ; and so 
leaping of the Ladder, with this Jest in 
his mouth, hee was hang'd in earnest. 



Gentlemen 



Cilie.~\ 



Pleasant Taunts. 



171 



Gentlemen at a Taverne. 



POME Gentlemen meeting at a Ta- 
verne, and being put into a roome 
two paire of staires high, they called for 
a pinte of wine, which after it was drunke 
off, they knock'd, and call'd, but none 
either answering, or comming up, one of 
the Gentlemen threw downe the pint pot, 
when instantly a Drawer comes up with 
a quart, and so left them. They fol- 
lowing their discourse, and drinking 
round, soone emptied the Quart pot too. 
Then they knocke agen, and call, but 
none answering, downe goes the quart 
pot, and in a trice comes up a pottle ; 
which after some respit being likewise 
dispatcht, they called aloud and knockt, 
but none would answer, till at length, 
they thundred with such violence, that 



Gentle- 
men at a 
Taverne. 



up 



172 



Merry Tales. 



{Part IV. 



up comes one of the Drawers, whom a 
Gentleman, being angry at such slacke 
attendance, meets at the top of the 
staires, and cast him headlong downe to 
the bottome ; at which, all the rest of 
his fellowes, with the Master of the 
house, began to muster up themselves, 
and comming up into the Gentlemens 
roome, demanded the reason of that vio- 
lence done to his servant, and why hee 
did so. Marry mine Host (saith he) I 
did it for attendance : for throwing 
downe a pint, there came up a quart ; 
and throwing downe the quart, there came 
up a Pottle : wherefore sitting here alone, 
and no man regarding us, We filing one 
Drawer downe staires, in hopes that two 
at the least, would come up to attend us. 



Of 



Ci tie.] 



Moderne Jests. 



173 



Of a very red Nose. 

A PLEASANT fellow meeting a man 
in the street, with an extraordi- 
nary red nose, looked very earnestly in 
his face : the man halfe abashed, askt him 
what he gazed so at. Friend (replied the 
fellow) sure your eyes are not Matches. 
Noe ? (saith he) I pray you shew a rea- 
son why they are not. Marry (quoth 
the other) If they were Matches, question- 
lesse your nose would set them on fire. 



Of a very 

i red Nose. 



Two Inne-keefters. 



A N Inne-keeper of Saffron Walden, 

using every Terme constantly to 

one Inne in London, the two Hosts grew 

in great league of love, and friendshippe 

together, but ever and anon, when hee 



Twolnne- 
keepers. 



of 



174 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part IV. 



of London was about his businesse, or 
out of the way, mine Host of Walden 
was importunate with his wife, to make 
him a Cuckold ; which the modest woman 
told to her husband, what a false friend he 
was to him : for which he vowes revenge ; 
and taking no notice at all what was 
past, the time came that mine Host of 
Walden was for the Countrey : great 
ceremony there was, and much protesta- 
tion of Love at their parting. But this 
injurie still stucke in mine Host of Lon- 
dons stomacke, who bethought himselfe 
awhile after, how to cry quits with him, 
and taking his horse in the long vacation, 
when hee had most leasure, he rode downe 
purposely to see mine Host of Walden, 
when comming to the Inne, hee was no 
sooner dismounted, but his old friend, 
and familier acquaintance espied hirn, 



and 



Citie.~\ 



Pleasant Taunts. 



75 



and running to him, embraced him, and 
called out his wife to entertaine him. 
Well, his wife appeared, and havi no- 
heard her husband formerly speake so 
well of him ; in way of courteous saluta- 
tion, she offered her lip ; but hee scorne- 
fully put her by : and I pray you (said 
he) Are you wife to this man ? Yes sir 
(saith she) for default of a better. But 
I intreate you, foole me not, said he, I 
came to visite my friend in kindnesse, 
and not to be derided. Derided ? (quoth 
the woman) Why say you so ? I am she 
that have laine by his side these twentie 
yeares : I, that shee hath, I can assure 
you, quoth mine Host of Walden. Would 
you make me beleeve that ? saith the 
London Host. Sure I am, that this is 
not the woman yon were wont to lodge at 
my house, and lye with her Tearme by 



Tear me ; 



176 



Merry Tales. 



IP art IV. 



Tearme ; I hope I know her if I see her 
againe : If you be such a kinde of fel- 
low (mine Host) here is no staying for 
me : at which words, whilst the other 
stood halfe amazed, hee leapes up into 
his saddle, and without more pause, 
spurs backe as fast as hee can for London. 
Mine Host of Walden calls after him, but 
in vaine. The woman railes ; he would 
excuse it, but can not be heard : Drunk- 
ard, and Whoremaster are the best titles 
she can afford him : nor could the man 
and wife ever be reconciled ; notwith- 
standing all his vowes and oathes, with 
the mediation of neighbours and friends, 
till mine Host of London, thinking him- 
selfe partly revenged, sent under his hand 
and seale, that it was but a meere tricke 
put upon him, in requitall for a former 
injury. 



Two 



Ci tie.'] 



Moderne Jests. 



Two old Widdows. 



177 



^"F^WO old Widdowes sitting over a Cup 
of Ale in a Winter night, entred 
into discourse of their dead husbands, 
and after the ripping up of their good 
and bad qualities, saith one of them to 
her maide, I prethee Wench reach us 
another light : for my husband (God rest 
his soule) above all things loved to see 
good lights about the house, God grant 
him light Everlasting. And I pray you 
neighbour (saith the other) let the maide 
lay on some more coales, or stirre up 
the fire, for my husband in his life time, 
ever loved to see a good fire, God grant 
him fire everlasting. 



Two old 
Widdows. 



. 7 8 



Witty Jeeres. 



{Part IV. 



A Horse- 
stealer. 



A Horsestealer. 

A FELLOW for stealing a Horse, was 
apprehended, arraigned, convicted, 
and executed : when a stander by asking, 
why the man was hang'd, it was answered, 
for stealing a horse. Nay, saith the 
other, no such matter ; he was hang'd for 
being taken : for had he stolne an hundred 
horses, and not beene taken, he might have 
lived many a faire day. 



A Cheater. 

A CHEATER that stole a Cup out of 
a Taverne, was persued, and taken 
in the street, insomuch that a great con- 
fluence of people was gathered about him : 
when a civell Gentleman, passing by, and 
seeing the tumult, demanded of one that 

stood 



Citie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



179 



stood outermost, the reason of it ; nothing, 
saith he, but that a fellow hath gotten a 
Cup too much. Alas, replies the Gentle- 
man, naught else ? that may be an honest 
mans fault sometimes, and mine as soone 
as anothers. 

A handsome IVench and a 
^Justice. 



A 



HANDSOME wench for some \ A hand - 

some 
Wench 



suspitious businesse, was brought 
before a Justice, somewhat late in the 
Evening ; who taking compassion of her, 
because shee was faire, and seemingly 
modest, wish'd the man that brought her 
before him, to have her home, and lodge 
her that night, and hee would heare the 
businesse more at large to morrow. 
Marry with all my heart, saith he, Mr. 



and a 
Justice. 



Justice, 



i8o 



Merry Tales. 



\ Part IV. 



Justice, so you will but commit my wife, 
which is now at home, to the Counter till 
morning. 



A cleanly 
lye. 



A cleanly lye. 

Tiy-ILLIAM KEMPE was by a mis- 
chance with a sword run quit 
through the legge ; when a Countrey 
Gentleman comming to visite him, askt 
him how he came by that misfortune : 
Kempe told him ; and withall, troth, 
saith he, I received this hurt just eight 
weekes since, and I have laine of it 
this quarter of a yeare y and never stirr'd 
out of my Chamber. 



Gentlemen 



Citie.] 



Moderne Jests. 



181 



Gentlemen at an Ordi7tary. 

^ERTAINE Gentlemen being in 
game at an Ordinary, every one 
complained of a filthy rancke smell that 
was amongst them, which grew still 
hotter, and hotter in their noses. At 
length, saith one of them jestingly, I 
pray you Gentlemen, which of you 
amongst us here useth to weare socks ? 
A Countrey Gentleman, one of the com- 
pany, presently answered not I, I protest ; 
/ never knew what belong d to 'em. 



Of a deafe Hostesse. 



Gentlemen 
at an 
Ordinary. 



A 



YOUNG Gentleman having a deafe I Of a deafe 

i Hostesse. 



Hostesse, used to put many Jests 
upon her ; and one day, having invited 
divers of his friends to dinner, thinking 



to 



1 82 



Witty Jeeves. 



IP art IV. 



Of a 

Prentice. 



to make them merry, hee tooke a glasse 
of wine, and made signes to the good 
old woman, that hee dranke to her, say- 
ing, here Hostesse, I will drinke to you, 
and to all your friends, namely the 
Baudes, and whores in Turnebull street: 
to whom shee innocently said, I thanke 
you sir, even with all my heart, I know 
you remember your Mother, your Aunt, 
and all those good Gentlewomen your 
Sisters. 

Of a Prentice. 

A YOUNG boy that came out of the 
countrey, and was new bound 
Prentice, seeing my Lord Majors show, 
and wondring at the great pompe, and 
state he rid in : I marry, saith hee, now 
/ see what w& must all come too. 



Citie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



183 



A Taverne reckoning. 

r^ ENTLEMEN being at supper in a 
Taverne, when an extraordinary 
deere bill was brought up, one of the 
company seemed to be very malancholy 
on the sudden, and being asked what 
troubled him, hee made this answer, 
There's nothing more in Tavemes I abhor y 
Than when these Drazvers bring an Item 
for. 



A 

Taverne 
reckoning. 



An Empericke and his man. 

A PHYSITIAN and his man riding 
along the high-way, a pretty way 
off, they espied a great confluence of 
people. The Master desirous to know 
the reason thereof, sent his servant to 
enquire : who gallopping thither as fast 



An Empe- 
ricke and 
his man. 



as 



1 84 



Merry Tales. 



IP art IV. 



as he could, and comming backe againe ; 
O sir, (sayes hee) as you regard your life, 
shift for your selfe. The Physitian halfe 
amazed, askt him why. Why sir (quoth 
his servant) yonder is a fellow to be 
hang'd for killing a man ; now, if he 
were condemn'd for killing one, what 
danger are you in, that to my knowledge 
have beene the death of halfe a hundred 
at the least. 

A Gentleman and a Constable. 



A Gentle- 
man and 
a Con- 
stable. 



A GENTLEMAN walking somewhat 
late in the night, was taken by 
the Watch, and had before the Lan- 
thorne ; where they very strictly de- 
manded who hee was, and whom hee 
served : he answered, that hee was, as 
they say, a man, and that hee served 



God. 



Ctiie."] 



Modeme Jests. 



185 



God. I, say you so, quoth the Con- 
stable, then carry him to the Counter, 
if hee serve no body else : yes sir, replied 
the Gentleman, I serve my Lord Cham- 
berlaine. My Lord Chamberlaine ? (saith 
the Constable) why did you not tell me 
so before ? Marry, quoth the Gentle- 
man, because I had thought, thou loved 
God better than my Lord Chamberlaine. 



A Sleepy Drawer. 

A DRAWER sleeping under the Pul- 
pit, the Preacher beate his Deske 
so hard, that the Drawer suddenly awaked, 
start up and cryed openly in the Church, 
A lion, a lion sir. 



A Sleepy 
Drawer. 



2 A 



1 86 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part IV. 



A Simple 
Constable. 



A Simple Constable, 

A GENTLEMAN was taken by the 
Watch late at night, and finding 
the Constable simple, hee gave him per- 
emptory termes ; wherefore there was no 
way with him, but to prison he must. At 
length the Gentleman came up to him, 
and bid him commit him if he durst. 
Why, saith the Constable, what are you ? 
and what may I call your name, that the 
Kings Officer may not commit you ? My 
name (quoth the Gentleman) is Adultery, 
and neither by Gods Lawes, nor mans, 
ought you to commit me. Which one 
of the wisest amongst them hearing, let 
him goe (saith he) Mr. Constable, let him 
goe : for if your wife should heare, that 
you had committed Adultery in your 
Watch, it might be an everlasting breach 



of 



Citie.~\ 



Pleasant Taunts. 



187 



of love betwixt you. Vpon this the 
Constable was appeased, and the Gentle- 
man went quietly to his lodging. 

A tall Gentleman, and a low 
Taylor. 



A LITTLE low Taylor working for A tali 
Gentle- 
a proper Gentleman, one day man, and 

a low 

brought him home a new suite, which, Taylor. 
according to his directions, hee had made 
with a very high choller ; and having 
put it on, and buttoned it up ; the 
Gentleman could scarce see any thing, 
but the skies above his head. At last, 
when all was done, paying the little 
Taylor his money ; reach me thy hand, 
honest friend, saith he, and now fare- 
well : for / feare that I shall never see 
thee agen. 



Two 



188 



Merry Tales. 



{Part IV. 



Two 
Gentle- 
men fall- 
ing out. 



Two Gentlemen falling out. 

9 I ^WO yong gentlemen in a Taverne 
challeng'd the field over night, 
and met next morning ; but upon cold 
blood distrusting their valours, they be- 
gan to parle. At length, in regard that 
their going out was taken notice of by 
other Gentlemen, and if no blood were 
drawne, it might redound to both their 
disparagements, they agreed betwixt 
themselves, to give one another some 
slight hurt, or scratch in such a place 
where they could best endure it, and so 
drew cuts who should give the first 
wound, and the other to appoint the 
place ; saith hee who was the first 
patient, give me a little pricke in the 
Arme : I will (saith the other), and ranne 
his Arme quite through, the fellow mak- 



ing 



Ci tie.] 



Moderne Jests. 



189 



ing sowre faces awhile, by reason of the 

paine hee felt ; now (saith he) stand me, 

and shew me where I shall hit you. 

But he that was untoucht, perceiving his 

wounded opposite scarce able to hold his 

sword, stands upon his guard and tels 

} 
him, he lyes faire and open to him, and \ 

bids him hit him zvhere he can ; which 

the other not able to doe, hee came off 

1 

boasting and bragging to his friends, how 
he had got the better of the day. 

A Dnmkard. 

A FELLOW by chance lay drunke 
in the streete, and not able to 
helpe himselfe, a Gentleman walking 
late without a light, stumbled at him : 
but by good fortune he recovered him- 
self, and perceiving what had laine in 



A Drunk- 
ard. 



his 



190 



Witty Jeeres. 



[Part IV. 



A Gur- 

mandizer, 



A Welch 
Reader. 



his way, / have stumbled at a Strata 
(saith he) and leapt over a block. 

A Gurmandizer. 

A GURMANDIZING fellow protest- 
ing to a friend of his, that hee 
loved him as well as hee loved his 
soule: I thanke you Sir (saith he) with 
all my heart, but I had rather you 
loved mee as well as you love your 
body. 

A Welch Reader. 

A WELCHMAN reading the Chapter 
of the Geneologie, where Abraham 
begat Isaac, and Isaac begat Jacob, find- 
ing the names very difficult that he 
could scarce reade them : and so saith 



he, 



Ci He.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



iqi 



he, they begot one another to the end of 
the Chapter. 



A Bishop and a Gentleman. 

A GENTLEMAN of the Universitie, 
being of great acquaintance with 
a certaine Doctor, insomuch that they 
were intimate friends : it happened that 
the Gentleman travelled for the space 
of Seven yeares ; in which interim, this 
Doctor was made an Arch-Bishop. The 
Gentleman at his returne rejoycing to 
heare of his friends preferment, tooke 
time to visit him, and came just when 
they were preparing for dinner : the 
Arch-Bishop more strange in his Saluta- 
tion than before, askt him, where he pur- 
posed to dine? he answered, there, where 
his horse stood, which was both Inne, 



A Bishop 
and a 
Gentle- 
man. 



and 



192 



Merry Tales. 



[Part IV. 



and Ordinary. Well, saith my Lord, 
it may be before dinner's done, you shall 
heare from me, and so parted without 
any further Complements. The Gen- 
tleman went to his Inne, and the Arch- 
Bishop to dinner, where spying a Mullet 
on the Table, and remembring his promise, 

j he call'd one of his Gentlemen, and bid 
him carry that same to such a man, in 
such an Ordinary. The Gentleman did, 

| and finding him set among other strangers, 
he told him, that his Grace had sent him 
that token of his love, to mend his com- 
mons. He kindly seemed to accept it, 
and humbly thankt his Grace, and the 
Gentleman, that brought it ; but with- 
all demanded of him, if his Lordship 
had not sent him either bread to his 
fish or Beere, or Wine ? The Gentle- 
man answered, not any of those. Then 

I 



Citie.] Moderne Jests. 193 

I pray you, saith he, take my service 
backe in a sheete, to your Lord ; and 
calling for Pen, Inke, and Paper, he writ 
this Distich. 

Mittitur in disco 

Mihi piscis ab Archiepisco 

Po iion ponatur, 

Quia potus non mihi datur. 
The Messenger had tooke his leave, and 
was going, but hee called him backe 
againe, and told him, his Grace that 
could forget his friends, might perchance 
not well remember his Latine : therefore 
he intreated him to stay and take the 
same lines interpreted into English, which 
was thus. 
There was a fish, sent me in a dish, by 

an Arch-bish. 
Hop shall not be here : because he sent no 
Beere. 

2 B A 



194 Witty Jeeves. [Part IV. 



A Jeast upon a Jeaster. 

Ajeast I ^\N E that presented the Clowne in a 

upon a ■ J x 

^^^ play, being talking in the Tyer- 
house, some or other had layd his cap 
out of the way : in which interim, he 
was called to enter, and forced to goe 
in without it. But afterward the Cap 
being found saith one of the; company 
to his boy that then served him, Sirrah 
here's your Masters ~ Cap y goe to him 
now whilst he's speaking, and put it on 
his head. But the Lad (whether simply, 
or knavishly, I cannot tell) replyed : no 
truely sir, pardon me, there is no wit in 
that. 



The 



Ci tie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



195 



The Reversion of a house. 



The Re- 
version of 



/°\NE came bragging from the Court 
^~^ of Aldermen, that they had grant- « house. 
ed his suite, and promised him a lease 
of the next house that fell. To whom 
one that stood by replyed, but had it 
beene my case, I should have petitioned 
for a house that stood. 

A Welchman and a Cutpurse. 

A GENTLEMAN that had a Welch- A mm- 
man and 

man waiting on him, came to see * Cut- 

' purse. 

a Play, and drawing his purse at the 
doore, which was well furnished with 
crownes, a Cutpurse espyed him, dog'd 
him, and tooke up his seate by him. 
A little after, the Welchman sitting be- 
hinde his Master, observed, that whilst he 



was 



196 



Merry Tales. 



[Part IV. 



was seriously minding the sport, the 
Cheater had cunningly conveyed the 
purse out of his pocket, and was about 
to rise : when presently without more 
words, hee drew his knife, and at one 
slash cut off the Cheaters eare. The fel- 
low startling at the suddainnesse of the 
act, and troubled with the smart, lookt 
behind him, and asked him what hee 
meant by it. The Welchman having his 
eare in his hand, answered, no harme 
done, good friend, no harme done, Give 
hur Master hur purse, and I will give 
hur y hur due. 



A Penu- 
rious 
Citizen, 
and his 
Prentisc. 



A Penurious Citizen, and his 
Prentise. 



A 



PENURIOUS Citizen used to 
feede his Prentises with Lights, 
and Livers, and such like trash : and 



having 



Citie.~\ 



Moderne Jests. 



197 



having appointed one of his men to 
meete him in the fields, the fellow came 
with a great heavie clog on his necke : 
his Master askt him his reason, for so 
doing : he made answere, he had fed so 
long on Lights, that he was now forced 
to carry that weight about with him, 
least the ope7i ayre should blow him away. 



Of Swimming. 

A MONGST other communication at 
Table there was discourse held 
concerning swimming : when one of the 
Company spoke to his next neighbour, 
saying, Sir you came from such a place, 
where there are many famous swimmers, 
I must suppose you excellent in that 
Art. Tis true, replyed the other, that 
there are many good swimmers in the 



Of Swim- 



place, 



198 



Witty Jeeres. 



[Part IV. 



place, whence I came, but for mine owne 
part / can swim no more than a Goose, 



Of a she- 
servant 
that ca?ne 
to take 
her oath. 



Of a she-servant that came to 
take her oath. 

A WAITING Woman, being sum- 
moned into a Court, to take her 
oath, (for she was served in with a sub- 
poena) the examiner asked her, how he 
should write her downe ; a Maide, a 
Wife, or a Widdow ? She bid him write 
her downe a Maide, for she never had 
husband. He finding her a pretty smug 
Wench, askt her how old shee was ; she 
told him, about sixe and twenty. Sixe 
and twenty ? saith he, (willing to sport 
with her) then take heede what you 
sweare, for you are now upon your oath : 
May I securely set you downe Maide, 



being 



Citie.~\ 



Pleasant Taunts. 



T99 



being of these yeares ? the Wench made 
a pause, and considering a while with 
her selfe : I pray you sir saith she, stay 
your hand a little, and write me. downe 
young Woman, 



A 



A short Cloake. 



GENTLEMAN spying one walke A short 

Cloake. 



in a most pittifull short cloake, 
sayd to a friend that was then walking 
with him, did you ever see a poore man 
weare his cloake so short ? O there is 
helpe for that replyed the other : for I 
see by his countenance, that he can finde 
a way, to weave it longer. 



Of 



200 



Merry Tales. 



[Part IV. 



Of Wine. 



Of Wine. 

/^vNE presented a Drunkard for his 

New -yeares- gift with these few 
lines. 



Whilst in my Pot or Glasse I keepe my 

wine, 
I boldly dare presume, that they are mine. 
But when the Pot I by the glasse devour, 
Being drunke the Masters in the Servants 

power. 
I have it not, it hath me ; all I have 
Is to be made a Prisoner to my slave. 
What was my vassal I, now I Idoll call ; 
For I before it must both kneele, and fall. 



Ci tie.] 



Modeme Jests. 



201 



A Welch- 
man Ar- 
raigned. 



A Welchman Arraigned. 

\ WELCHMAN Arraigned, and con- 
victed by the favour of the Bench 
had his booke granted him : but when 
he was burnt in the hand, they bad him 
say, God save the King : Nay, saith he, 
God blesse my Father and my Mother : 
for had not they brought me up to write 
and reade, I might have beene hang'd 
for all the King. 

A Epitaph made upon an 
honest Cobler. 



IT ERE lyes a Cobler y that dwelt in the, a e$ 

■I J- tai>h r 

Strand, 
Who though he was still on the mending 
hand : 



taph made 
upon an 
honest 
Cobler. 



2 C 



Yet 



202 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part IV. 



Of a 

Gentle- 
man 
visiting 
his friend. 



Yet by the force of winde, and weather ; 
His sole was rent from his upper leather. 

Of a Gentleman visiting his 
friend. 

A GENTLEMAN comming to visit 
his sicke friend, found him won- 
drous faint-hearted, and fearefull of death : 
insomuch that he grew ashamed of his 
too much pusillanimity, especially in 
regard of the standers by : for he had 
; nothing in his mouth, but ah, woe is 
me, have I no friend here, that will 
dispatch me from my paine ? and these 
words were iterated so often, that the 
Gentleman drawing his sword, with a 
menacing looke, sayd Yes, you have one 
friend yet left, that for your sake will 
doe, and with that he levelled the point 

directly 



Citie.~\ 



Pleasant Taunts. 



203 



directly at his breast. The sicke person 
terribly amazed, that his friend, though 
he entreated him, should proffer to kill 
him, raised himselfe upon his bed, and 
wisht him to hold his hand : for his 
desire was, to be rid out of his paine, 
and not out of his life. 



Of a Vintners Boy. 

TI 7 HEN two Divines passed through 
a Taverne, and called for no 
wine, the Vintners boy seeing them, 
what (saith he) two preachers goe through 
the Church, and not offer to say their 
prayers f 



Of a 

Vintners 

Boy. 



An 



204 



Merry Tales. 



[Part IV. 



An Epi- 
taph made 
on a 
Cobler. 



An Epitaph made on a Cobler. 

JLJT ERE lyes an honest Cobler, whom 

curst Fate, 
Perceiving nigh worm out, would needes 

Translate. 
He was a trusty soule, and time hath bin, 
He could {well liquor d) wade through 

thicke and thin. 
Death put a tricke upon him, and what 

was't. 
He calling for his Awle, Death brought 

his Last. 
Twas not uprightly done to cut his thread, 
TJiat mended more and more, till he was 

dead. 
Yet being gone, this onely can be sayd ; 
Ho7iest John Cobler here is underlayd. 



An 



Citie.] 



Moderne Jests. 



205 



An Oppressour. 

(~\ N E told a great Oppressour, he 
^^^ might kill beggers by the Law. 
He asked his reason why. Why, saith 
the other, because you are before hand 
in their number, and cannot easily kill so 
many as you have made. 

A wry Nose. 

A FELLOW disposed to play the 
wag with one, whose Nose stood 
awry : Sir, saith he, I know what your 
Nose is not made of, and I know what 
it is made of. First, I will assure you, 
it is not made of wheate. What then 
(saith the other ?) I will be judged by 
all the company, If it be not made a 
Rye. 



An Op- 
pressour. 



A wry 

Nose. 



On 



206 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part IV. 



On 

Vsury. 



Fire and 
Toe. 



On Vsury. 

A PARSON that railed against Usury, 
and extortion, making the sinne 
equall with wilfull murther ; a little after, 
upon some urgent necessitie, came to 
borrow money of one of his Parishoners, 
desiring to have it for three moneth 
gratis. The fellow remembring his Ser- 
mon, made answere ; truely sir, if to 
lend money upon use, be in your opinion 
as great a sinne as murder ; to lend 
money gratis, can be a sinne in my 
conceit no lesse than man-slaughter. 

Fire and Toe. 

/^\NE seeing a fellow warme his feete 
by a hot sea-coale fire ; My 
friend (saith he) what doe you meane to 
put fire and toe together ? 

Borrowing 



Cttt'e.'] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



\oj 



Borrowing of a Cloake. 



A POORE decayed Gentleman that 
had either pawn'd, or sold his 
cloake, came to another that knew him, 
desiring him to lend him a spare cloake ; 
and prest him so farre, that the other 
overcome with much importunitie, and 
yet unwilling to unsuite his wearing 
cloathes for him, lent him a thinne stuffe 
cloake upon promise within two or three 
dayes to restore it. But dayes, weekes, 
and moneths came ; in which time hee 
never heard of the Gentleman ; till at 
last, one cold frosty morning, he met 
him with the same cloake upon him, 
worne thred-bare, and scarce able to 
hang together : whereupon staying him, 
hee challengeth him upon breach of pro- 



Borrow- 
ing of a 
Cloake. 



mise, 



208 Merry Tales. [Part IV. 



mise, telling him withall that in regard 
of that private cheate, he will doe him 
a publicke disgrace ; and take his owne, 
(though worth nought) wheresoever he 
findes it, which was no sooner sayd, but 
he offered to plucke it from off his 
shoulders : the other desired him to for- 
beare, and told him, he might doe more 
than he could answere : for (saith he) 
when I borrowed it of you, I was a Pro- 
testant, but since am turned Roman Ca- 
tholicke, and comming to my Confessour, 
amongst other things, I told him how 
ungratefully I had used you, concerning 
this poore garment ; for which he en- 
joyned me this Pennance : Hast thou, 
sayd he, had the pleasure, to weare so 
light a cloake all the warm summer ? then 
I command thee in punishment to thy 
fault, not to leave it off for the space of 

this 



Ci tie.'] 



Moderne Jests. 



209 



this cold frosty- winter : and with that 
he slipt away from him. 



Of a Chandler. 

A CHANDLER, whose shop was 
brok open one night, and rob'd, 
sate very melancholly in the morning : 
when one of his next Neighbours seeing 
him so sad, demanded of him the cause. 
Ah Gossip (saith he) fetching a great 
sigh, this night my shop hath beene 
rifled, and I finde missing a whole grosse 
of Candles : Marry a great losse indeed 
neighbour, replyes the other ; what, a 
whole grosse of Candles ? but take it 
not to heart, for there is no doubt, but 
that in good time, they will be brought 
to light. 



I Of a 
Chandler, 



2 D 



A 



2IO 



Witty Jeeves. 



\_P art IV. 



A Justice 
and a 
Bawde. 



A Justice and a Bawde, 

A NOTORIOUS Bawde brought be- 
fore a Justice of Peace for many 
lewde demeanours, but especially for 
keeping a common Brothell-house, was 
examined of divers particulars, all which 
she obstinately denyed, though there 
were proofes sufficient, apparently to 
convict her: which the Justice hearing, 
well (huswife) saith he, you keepe a com- 
mon brothell-house, and I will maintaine 
it. Marry, I thanke your good worship, 
replyes the old Bawde : for such a sup- 
port I have great neede of. 



Of 



Citie.] Pleasant Taunts. 211 

Of five Vintners. 

FIVE Vintners riding into Kent, to be Of five 
Vintners. 

Merry, upon horses hired or bor- 
rowed, in their returne came through 
Greenewichy and allighted at the Taverne 
next to the Bridge foote ; where they 
fell a healthing so long, till it grew to- 
wards Night. One tumbled on a bed, 
another sate drowsie in a chaire : onely 
one stood stifly to it, and told them 
plainely, if they would not instantly take 
horse, hee would leave them there, and 
commend them to their wives in London. 
But they all agreed to stay there that 
night, and take the benefit of the morn- 
ing. With this answere away goes hee, 
though it was now growne darke, and 
keeping the Londoners pace, a tantivie, 
it hapned that within a little of Debt- 
ford, 



212 



Merry Tales. 



[Part IV. 



ford, a dead horse lay full in the way, 
just of the same colour with that on 
which he rid. His live horse stumbles 
at the dead, horse and man are over- 
throwne ; but the foure legges nimbler 
than the two, gets up first, and away 
plods onward his journey towards Lon- 
don. The Vintner bruised with the fall, 
makes a shift to get up cursing his Jade, 
and groaping in the darke if it be pos- 
sible to finde him. At last he lights 
upon the dead one, kickes to rouse him 
up, but all in vaine, he will not stirre : 
the poore man in this perplexitie, is al- 
most at his wits end : but spying a 
candle, some bowes shoote before him 
he makes towards it, and presently findes 
himselfe in Debtford. There he enquires 
for a Farrier or Smith, and they direct 
him to his house. But Vulcan having 



got 



Citie.~\ 



Modeme Jests. 



21 



got a Cup in his pate, would by no en- 
treaties be raised, under a Crowne in 
hand ; which was given him. Up gets 
the Smith, calls his man to carry a 
candle and Lanthorne : the Vintner tells 
him all his misfortune by the way, and 
directs him to the place of this disaster ; 
intreating him to use all the Art he can, 
in the recovery of his horse, being but 
hired. By this time they come to the 
sad spectacle ; the Smith lifts at his 
head, and his man at his taile, but find- 
ing no motion, gave him over as lost. 
The Londoner looking sad upon the 
businesse, fetcht a great sigh, and sayd, 
whilst I have beene knocking up the 
Smith, some body hath stolne away my 
Bridle and Saddle. Backe to the Towne 
goeth he with the Farrier and his man, 
resolving to sit up that night, and to 



comfort 



214 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part IV. 



comfort himselfe with a Cup of Ale, 
which the Smith soone brought him too : 
where I leave them potting together, and 
from thence looke backe to Greenwich. 
The morning comes, when my late 
drowsie Vintners refreshed with sleepe, 
are quickly stirring, and mounted on 
their horses ; and galloping through 
Debtford y are espied by their flft com- 
panion, who calls after them. They 
wonder to see him there, and askt him 
if he had done ther comendations to 
their wives. But he entreates them to 
leave their jestings, and tells them all 
the former circumstances of his last nights 
misfortune. Some laugh at him, others 
lament with him, according to their 
severall humours. To be short with this 
discourse, he on foote, & they on horse- 
back, have left the town a mile behind 



them, 



Cztte.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



them, when one of them casting his eye 
aside, spyes a horse bridled and sadled, 
browsing on the hedge, and saith withall, 
is not that the beast you rod on ? He 
dares not acknowledge him. That is 
sure the same saddle and bridle saith 
another, or very like 'em, but he hath 
scarce faith to beleeve it : at length all 
of them agree, that both horse and fur- 
niture are the same : yet though he be 
sure to pay for one, hee can hardly be 
won to hazard the stealing another. In 
the end they prevaile with him, up he 
mounts, the stirrops fit him, and deliver- 
ing him at the stable from whence he 
hired him, he is by the owner acknow- 
ledged for the same. 



Two 



2l6 



Merry Tales. 



[Part IV. 



Two 
striving 
for the 
Wall. 



Two striving for the JValL 

'HP* WO Gentlemen meeting, the one 
jostled the other from the Wall, 
and had almost made him to measure 
his length in the channell : who by much 
adoe recovering himselfe came up close 
to him, and asked him whether he were 
in jest, or in earnest ? He told him 
plainely, that what hee did was in ear- 
nest. And I am glad, replies the other, 
that you told me so : for I protest, / 
love 110 such jesting : by which words he 
put off the quarrell. 



A Horse-Courser. 



A Horse- 
Courser. 



/^NE comming into Smithfield on a 
Friday Market, call'd to a Horse- 
courser aloud, and said, I prethee, my 



friend, 



Citie.~] 



Moderne Jests. 



217 



friend, how goe horses to day ? Marry, 
as you see, (quoth the fellow) some amble, 
some trot, some gallop. 



One that parted a fray. 

/^~\NE parting a fray, was cut into 
the scull, and comming to be 
drest ; saith the Chirurgion, as he was 
searching the wound, here is a dangerous 
Orifice, your Pericranium is pierced, so 
that one may plainely see your braines. 
I doe not beleeve that, replies the 
Patient : for had I had any braines at 
all, I should never have beene so mad, 
as to have come betwixt them to part 
the fray. 



One that 
parted a 
fray. 



2 E 



218 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part IV. 



A Bar- 
gaine i?i 
Smith- 
field. 



A Bargaine in Smithfield. 

A PLEASANT fellow desirous to put 
off a lame horse, rode him from 
the Sunne Taverne within Cripple-gate, 
to the Sunne in Holborne, neare to 
Fullers Rents : and minding the next 
day to sell him in Smithfield, the Chap- 
man askt him why he looked so leane. 
Marry, no marvell, answered he : for but 
yester day, / rid him from Sunne, to 
Sunne, and never drew Bit. 



A House 

broke 

open. 



A House broke open. 

A N unthrift, who had cleane spent 

his estate, had his house one night 

broke open by theeves : At last awaked 

with the noise, and hearing them bustle 

below, he call'd to 'em, saying, honest 



friends, 



Citie.~\ 



Pleasant Taunts. 



219 



friends, / wonder how you can hope to 
find any thing here in the darke, when I 
my selfe in the broad day time : with all 
my search can finde nothing. 

A Question made, in what place 
a Cuckolds homes should 
grow. 



ONE desswaded a young man from A Ques- 
: Hon made, 
marrying such a Wench, because in what 

' place a 

she was wantonly given, and would make cuckold's 
him weare homes. Homes ? (quoth a j shou id 



woman that stood by) I have heard much 
talke of these homes, but could never 
be resolved, where they should grow. 
Another made answer, in regard that 
they were not visible, she was of opinion 
they grew in the nape of the necke. 
Truely, replies the former, perchance so, 



grow. 



and 



220 



Merry Tales. 



[Part IV. 



and that may be the reason, why my 
husband zveares out his bands so fast 
behinde. 



A Citizen 
and his 
wife. 



A Citizen and his wife. 

A CITIZEN jealous of his wife, and 
restraining her of her former 
liberty, she lovingly demanded the 
reason thereof, who as kindly resolved 
her in these words : I vow (sweetheart) 
though I dare trust thee with all the 
world, yet I am loth to trust all the 
world with thee. 



Of one 
that kept 
his bed. 



Of one that kept his bed. 

* I A WO Gentlemen meeting, one asked 

the other, whether hee was going ? 

Marry, saith he, to visite such a Gentle- 



man 



Ci tie.'] 



Moderne Jests. 



221 



man, who keepes his bed. When the 
other demanded if he were sicke : no, 
saith he, hee is in very good health, but 
he hath lately sold all the goods he had in 
his house, save onely his bed, and that he 
keepes. 



Of a Collier that tooke Tobacco. 

A COLLIER comming into a Tobacco 
shoppe, sate him downe, and ob- 
served two gentlemen, who called either 
of them for a fresh pipe, and when they 
had drunke them off, being well ac- 
quainted with the man of the house, 
bade him farewell, and they would pay 
him the next time they came that way. 
You're welcome Gentlemen, cryes the 
Tobacco - man, and so let them goe. 
This done, the Collier calls for his pipe ; 



Of a 

Collier 
that tooke 
Tobacco. 



and 



222 



Witty Jeeres. 



[Part IV. 



and having whift it off, was walking 
away without paying : but the man 
pluckt him backe, and asked him for 
money. Money ? saith the Collier, why, 
what dost thou take mee to be ? Marry, 
quoth the man, by thy habit, I take thee 
to be a Collier. I tell thee friend, replies 
the Collier, I have called for Tobacco 
like a Gentleman, I have drunke it like 
a Gentleman, and I will pay thee like a 
Gentleman. Farewell, it shall be the next 
time that I come this way. 

A Scrivener and his man. 



A Scri- 
vener a?id 
his man. 



A YONG Scrivener newly come to 

his trade, reading a Bill of Sale to 

his Master, made according to the forme : 

as I such a one doe passe, grant, demisse, 

make over, &c. all my goods, lands, pos- 



sessions, 



Citie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



223 



sessions, moveables, lying in such a place, 
for such a summe, or summes of money, 
received to the use, &c. at which very 
word, a sudden cough tooke him, so that 
hee was forced to breake off, and made 
a long pause ; insomuch that his Master 
growing extremely angry, bad him read 
on with a mischief e : at which word 
gathering breath, he proceeded in this 
manner : to you, and your heires, and 
their heires males, and to all that shall, 
or may hereafter issue, &c. 

A Cobler in the White Fryers. 

A COBLER that kept shop under a 
stall, in the going downe to White 
Fryers, used to mocke a couple of young 
Gentlemen, as they went to Schoole, tell- 
ing them they would be jerked, or that 



A Cobler 
in the 
White 
Friers. 



they 



224 



Merry Tales. 



[Part IV. 



they had beene whipt, and never could 
they passe by him without some taunt 
or other ; whereupon they cast to be re- 
venged, which thus they brought to 
passe : one of them got him a pocket 
Pistoll, charged with powder onely ; the 
other got a squirt full of blood ; and 
marching towards Schoole, they spied the 
Cobler in his shoppe, ready to give them 
their salutation ; when presently the one 
plucks out his Pistoll, saying, now vil- 
laine, I will cry quits with thee, and so 
discharged it in his face ; the other 
withall emptied his Squirt, by which he 
appeared nothing but blood all over. 
Downe falls the Cobler, away the Lads 
runne. The report of the Pistoll being 
heard, in come the neighbours, and such 
as passe by ; the blood is discovered, and 
the murther apparant, but the Murther- 

ours 



Citie.] 



Moderne Jests. 



225 



ours fled. Surgeons are sent for, the 
body'es drag'd out of the stall, and 
searched, but no wound can be found 
above waste. At last the Surgeons com- 
ming to open him below, might guesse 
by the smell, in what danger he was. 
Hot waters are sent for, and he soone 
after recovered, but so ashamed of the 
businesse, that he was never seene in his 
shop, nor in White Fryers after. 



0?ie jealous of his wife. 

A CITIZEN very jealous of his wife 
had play'd false, grew into a great 
melancholy, which brought him to his 
night -cap. A neighbour of his comming 
to visit him, demanded of him where his 
paine troubled him, whether in his head, 
or in his stomacke, or in his heart, or 



One 

jealous of 
his wife. 



2 F 



what 



226 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part IV. 



what other part of his body : He made 
answer, that hee felt himselfe sound in 
all parts outward and inward, save onely 
he was troubled with a bad Liver. 



One 

charming 

theDevill. 



One charming the DevilL 

A CERTAINE fellow, frighted with an 
apparition in the night, rose out 
of his bed in great feare, and began to 
exorcise it in this manner : If thou beest 
a good Angell, I know thou wilt not 
hurt me, because thou canst doe no evill ; 
or if thou beest the Devill, or his Damme, 
I hope thou wilt not hurt me neither, 
because of kindred sake, for I have mar- 
ried thy sister. 



Of 



Citze.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



227 



Of an unskilfull Painter. 



A 



COUNTRY Painter painting a Of an un- 

\ skilfull 

small Parish -Church, made very Painter. 



course worke, and not two words of true 
Orthography : wherefore he was blamed 
by one that came to overlooke the Worke, 
who asked him the reason, why he writ 
such false English, Alas sir, replies the 
Painter, you must understand, that this 
is a poore Village, and they would be 
loath to goe to the charges of true. 

A "Jest retorted. 

A GENTLEMAN at a low -tide, tak- 
ing water at White -Fryers staires, 
divers women were then washing, some 
of them with their coats tuckt above 
their knees. Amongst the rest, there 



A Jest 
retorted. 



was 



228 



Merry Tales. 



[Part IV. 



was a lusty Wench something too high 
trust up, with a Battle-dore in her hand, 
beating a Bucke: the Gentleman as he 
past by to his boate, gave her a clappe 
on the back -side, and said, I marry 
wench, there is a plumpe one, I will be 
judg'd by all the company. She turning 
her head towards him, made sudden re- 
ply : truly sir, if you should blow as 
much winde in there as I have blowne 
out, you would then say, it were a plumpe 
one indeede. 



THE 



THE SECOND PART OF THE 



CITIE JESTS. 

Lib. II. Part V. 



Of a Barbar. 

\ FELLOW that was trimming, see- 
ing the Barber (who it seemes had 
got a cup too much) turne aside, and 
pisse in the chimney, asked him what 
reason hee had to offend his shop so, 
and annoy it with the smell. O no 
matter, replied the Barber, for I meane 
to leave it next quarter. Upon these 
words, the fellow presently finds fault 
with some linnen that was about him, 



Of a 

Barbar. 



and 



230 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part V. 



and whilst the Barbar steps up the staires 
for cleaner, he untrusseth in the Chimney. 
Which the Barbar at his returne perceiv- 
ing : now fie for shame friend, saith he, 
why have you thus play'd the sloven in 
my shop ? Marry, answered the fellow, 
you pist in it, because you meant to 
leave it next quarter, and I have done 
as you see, because I purpose to leave it 
by and by. 

An Epitaph upon a scolding 
Woman. 



An Epi- 
taph upon j 
a Scold- 
ing 
Woman. 



JJfEE lived one and twentie yeares y 

Like man and wife together. 
I could no longer keepe her here, 

Sites gone I know not whither. 
If I could guesse, I doe professe y 

{I speake it not to flatter.) 



Of 



Citie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



231 



Of all the women in the world, 

I never would come at her. 
Her body is bestowed well, 

A handsome grave doth hide her : 
And sure her soule is not in Hell, 

The Fiend could ner abide her. 
I thinke she soard tip to the skie, 

For in the last great thunder, 
Me-thought I heard her voyce on hye, 

Rending the Clouds asunder. 

An unequall Marriage. 

AY O U N G woman married an old An un- 
, equall 
man, on the Wedding day was j Marriage. 

very sad and melancholy : which a neigh- 
bour of hers observing, spake merrily, 
and said, be of good comfort neighbour, 
for an old horse will travell as long a 
journey, as a young one. I, saith she, 
fetching a great sigh, but not every zvay. 



Of 



232 



Merry Tales. 



{Part V. 



Of two 

Women 

Scolding. 



Of two Women Scolding, 

r I * W O women of loud tongues, and 
little patience, falling at ods, grew 
into foule language ; and after many 
despightfull words, given on both sides, 
saith the one to the other : come, come 
Gossip, keepe your tearmes to your selfe ; 
I can prove thee both a whore, and a 
thiefe ; and / will maintaine my selfe in 
all respects, even as good as thou art. 



A woman 
and her 
Con- 
fessour. 



A woman and her Confessour. 

A WOMAN comming before her 
Ghostly Father, and amongst other 
things confessing unto him, that the child 
she had last, was by another man, and 
not her husband ; he would not absolve 
her of the fact, under this pennance, that 



she 



Ci tie.] 



Modems Jests. 



233 



she should tell him openly to his face, it 
was not his, which she vowed to per- 
forme ; and comming home, tooke the 
child, and pincht it so, that it cryed ex- 
treamely : then she entreated her hus- 
band to muffle himselfe in his cloake, 
and play the Hobgoblin, which the inno- 
cent man, ignorant of the deceit, was 
willing to doe. Then she hugg'd and 
made much of the child in one arme, 
and with the other thrust off her hus- 
band, saying, Away thou naughty man, 
this child is none of thine ; and repeated 
often, this child is none of thine. The 
husband perceived not her craft, and the 
woman thought her pennance, and pro- 
mise to the Priest, sufficiently performed. 



2 G 



Om 



234 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part V. 



One that 
had a 
Scold to 
his wife. 



One that had a Scold to his 
wife. 

/^\NE that had a notorious shrew to 
his wife, in a great jangling that 
happened betwixt them, could not con- 
taine himselfe, but catching up a flaggon 
pot, gave her a very deepe wound in 
the head which cost his purse soundly. 
A little after, the woman sitting amongst 
her Gossips, said openly, her husband 
did not dare to breake her head any 
more, because hee payd so dearely for 
his last worke. This being told to her 
husband, hee considered with himselfe, 
and the next day sent for a Apothecary, 
and Chirurgion home to his house : who 
when they were come, called for his wife, 
in her presence he payd them all to a 

farthing, 



Citie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



235 



farthing, and also gave to either of them 
a Peece, saying this money moreover I 
deliver you, in earnest of the next cure. 

An Invitation to Dinner. 

(~\ N E neighbour inviting another to 
dinner, and thinking to expresse 
a great complement of Hospitality, be- 
spoke him thus : good neighbour, saith 
he, come to my house to dine with me, 
and thus much I promise you, that if 
you bring your meate along with you, 
saving for your wine, you shall finde 
nothing to pay. 



An Invi- 
tation to 
Dinner. 



A 



236 



Merry Tales. 



{Part V. 



A Com- 
pany at 
Dinner. 



A Company at Dinner. 

A SUDDEN silence being at a table 
where many guests were sitting 
at dinner, one amongst them said aloud, 
why, how now Gentlemen and Gentle- 
women ? how comes it to passe that 
there is not one word amongst us all ? 
I am afraid that some of you sit crosse- 
legg'd. A young Gentlewoman looking 
up in his face, replied, it is not I sir, 
I assure you : for I have something 
betwixt my legs; meaning the Tressell 
of the Table. 



Of 



Ci tie.] 



Moderne Jests. 



237 



Of Dicke IVoodwfe and the 
Sergeants. 

7JICKE WOODROFFE, a man 
well knowne in this City, being 
arrested for a round sum of money, 
seemed to take it patiently, and willingly 
went with them to the Countergate ; 
where considering with himself, he in- 
treated them to drinke one joviall cup 
with him to cheare his heart, before he 
entred into that place. The Sergeants, 
who seldome refuse any wine that comes 
gratis, embraced his kind proffer : he in 
the Interim whispered to his man, to 
fetch him such a quantitie of Suger, and 
withall so much Rats-bane ; which done, 
they entred the Taverne, having no small 
traine attending them. After some Cups 



Of Dicke 

Woodrofe 
at?d the 
Sergeants. 



had 



2 3 8 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part V. 



had passed round, he called for a great 
beere bowle, and began a health to his 
future liberty, which they all pledged : 
now his man had so ordered the 
businesse, that they dranke Rats-bane 
amongst their wine, and Sugar. Well, 
the health being pledged, he thankes 
them all, and prepares himself to goe 
along with them, saying, Whether I am 
going (thats to the Counter) ye all know, 
but whether ye are going, that is, either 
to Heaven or to Hell, God knowes ; for 
as I am a Gentleman, ye are all 
poyson'd : at which words they felt a 
sudden alteration, and were sensible how 
the poyson began to worke. Sallat-oyle 
in all haste was sent for, and drunke 
out of measure : which because they 
drunke so suddenly, before the poyson 
had too farre wrought upon them, it 

did 



Cttte.~\ 



Pleasant Taunts. 



239 



did prevaile. The successe thereof was 
this, he was thrust into prison ; they 
scaped, but with the losse of some of 
their nailes, and haire : and amongst the 
Catch-poles at this day, it is a Proverbe 
to drink Dick Woodroffes health. 

An answer from a Jaques- 
Farmer. 

T~"\ I V E R S Gentlemen walking the 
streets somewhat late, where the 
Gold-finders were at worke, fie fellowes, 
say they, what a beastly stinke doe you 
make ? To whom one of the most 
ancient amongst them replied, if Gentle- 
men, you, or such as you, keepe your 
tailes stopped, you should not now need 
for to stoppe your noses. 



An 

Answer 
from a 
Jaqzies- 
Farmer. 



A 



240 



Merry Tales. 



\_Part V. 



A Gentleman and a Drawer. 



A Gentle- 
man and 
a Drawer. 



A GENTLEMAN crost by a Drawer, 
& conducted into a Roome two 
paire of staires high, thought thus to be 
revenged on him. First, he knocks for 
the fellow, and bids him draw him a 
pint of wine, I will, I will sir, answered 
the Drawer ; but before he was at the 
lowest step of the 1. paire of staires, 
he knocks agen aloud for the Drawer, 
who answered, Anon, anon sir, but came 
up presently, and asked him what he 
would have, Drawer, saith he, with the 
pint of wine bring mee a Chamber-pot. 
The Drawer ran downe very nimbly, 
but the Gentleman knockt the third time 
louder than hee did before, insomuch 
that he was forced to come up againe, 
and entring the Roome very angerly, 



asked 



Citie.] Modeme Jests. 241 


asked him what he wanted ; Nothing, 




saith the Gentleman, but this, I called 




thee first up, to bring a pint of Wine, 




the second time, to bring me a Chamber- 




pot, and now I would intreate thee, that 




thou wouldst not bring the wine up in the 




Chamber-pot. 




A Welchman Arraigned. 




A WELCHMAN travelVd by the way, j a Welch- 

jfjL man Ar- 

And found a Cow which did not , raigncd. 


stay ; 


Thought he, shes faire, fat, and well \ 


growne, 




Fie make tise of her as mine owne ; 




He did so, takes her, and was tooke, 




As she was tolling at the Booke. 




Arraign' d he was, condemn y d and hist, 




With an hot iron in the fist. 




2 H One 



242 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part V. 



One meeting turn, demanded how, 
He did, since stealing of the Cow ; 
And seeing still his wound was raw. 
To tell him how he lift d the Law. 
The Law, the Welchman soone reply ed, 
Hath quit her both of home and hide : 
And now hur selfe well understand, 
Hur hath the Law in hur owne hand. 



A 

Countrey 
man com- 
ming to 
enquire 
after a 
Gentle- 
man. 



A Countrey man comming to 
enquire after a Gentleman. 

A PLAIN E Countrey fellow comming 
up to London, was requested to 
enquire after such a Gentleman, dwelling 
in such a place, and to deliver him a 
Letter. The countrey man comes to the 
house according to direction, and askes 
for such a Gentleman. Now it fortuned 
that the Gentleman himselfe came to the 



doore, 



Citie. 



Pleasant Taunts. 



243 



doore, and willing to have some sport 
with the fellow told him that he had 
lost his labour ; for the Party after whom 
he did enquire, was hang'd the last Ses- 
sions at Tyburne for a Robbery. For 
a Robbery ? quoth the Country fellow. 
Now fye upon him for a wicked man, 
Was he not content to be a notorious 
Cuckold f for so he was thought in the 
Country, but must hee prove theefe also ? 



Of two vying wits together. 

' I * W O Gentlemen contending at a 
meeting, which should put forth 
the best Jests, many witty conceits passed 
betweene them : but in the conclusion, 
one of them put such a taunt upon the 
other, that it dasht him quite out of 
countenance, insomuch that hee remained 



Of 

two vying 
wits to- 
gether. 



silent 



244 



Merry Tales. 



{Part V. 



silent for a great while. The company, 
then present laughed outright, saying 
that hee had strucke him dead, as 
Sampson did the Philistines. The other 
presently taking hold of these words, 
made answere. True indeede, I received 
that blow, by the Jaw-bone of an Asse. 



O/a 

Physitian 
and a 
Farrier. 



Of a Physitian and a Farrier. 

A DOCTOR of Physicke sent to a 
Farrier, to come and give his 
horse a Drench, which he did accord- 
ingly : whereupon the Doctor drew forth 
his Purse, to give him satisfaction ; but 
the Farrier modestly refused it, saying 
by no meanes sir, It is not seemely, that 
we which are of the same profession, should 
take money one of another. 



Cztze.'] 



Moderne Jests. 



245 



A greeting betwixt two Gentle- 
men. 



A 



GENTLEMAN much indebted, | *«"*- 

I ing be- 

that durst not walke the streetes, j twixttw 

1 Gentle- 



for feare of Arrest, tooke a lodging in ] mm. 
Fullers Rents ; where an acquaintance of j 
his taking his oppertunity to visit him, 
sent up his name, and was presently ad- 
mitted : who, after a loving Salutation, 
bespoke him thus, Now praysed be God 
sir, you are as safe here, as in a Sanc- 
tuary. I, replyes the other, true indeede 
Sir, otherwise I should not have seene you 
here. 



A 



246 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part V. 



A Jest 
well re- 
torted. 



A Jest well retorted. 

r I ^HE Father of our English Poets, 
meditating one morning in Grays- 
Inne walkes, three or foure gallants espy- 
ing him, saith one to the other, yonder 
walkes such a man, let us walke up to 
him, and you shall heare how I will Jeere 
him. Some were unwilling in regard of 
his Age (whereto some reverence be- 
longed :) but this Gallant after a scorne- 
full salutation, asked him what idle fancie 
out of Homer hee was ruminating of, 
demanding likewise many foolish and 
frivolous questions, and still pressing 
upon him to know what idle Poeticall 
fable he thought of. At length after a 
short pause, he returned answere thus : 
Indeed sir my minde was busied in a 
better meditation, for I was thinking on 



the 



Citie.~] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



247 



the 9. verse, of the 39. Psalme which as 
I remember, is to this purpose. 
For all the sinnes that I have done 

Lord quite me out of hand, 
And make me not a scorne to fooles, 
That nothing understand. 



The good advise of an Host. 

A COMPANY of my Acquaintance 
comming to an Inne in Cambridge 
and having stayd somewhat long, some 
of them desired the rest of their com- 
pany to make hast, for they must bee 
gone. Why, saith the Host, the best way 
to be gone is to drinke hard. 



The good 
advise of 
an Host. 



A 



248 


Merry Tales. [Part V. 




A Woman the Weaker VesselL 


A Woman 
the 

Weaker 
VesselL 


A COOPER beate his wife with a 
Hoope, for pissing her bed ; when 




the Neighbours to reconcile him to her, 




told him she was the weaker vessell. 




Therefore (quoth he) doe I hoope her y be- 




cause she should hold water. 




A man with one eye. 


A man 
■with one 
eye. 


A FELLOW with one eye being 
abroad about his businesse, his wife 




in his absence entertained another man : 




but so it happened that her husband 




came home, and entred the Roome be- 




fore the loving couple expected him. At 




whose presence the woman greatly abash- 




ed, rose up, and running to her husband, 




clapt her hand upon the eye he could 


see 



Ci tie.'] 



Moderne Jests. 



249 



see with, saying, husband I dreamt just 
now that you could see as well with the 
other eye, as with this : pray tell me : 
meane while her friend slipt out of 
doores. 



A Knavish Jest. 



T 



WO Gentlemen wrangling at Cards, I A 

, Knavish 

the one told the other he was a ; Jest. 



knave : and sir sayes the other you are 
a Court Carde too, yet neither King nor 
Oueene. 



A caveat for Marriage. 

A WOMAN fair e I dare not wed, 
For feare I weare Acteons head. 
A Woman blacke is alwayes ftrotid, 
A Woman little alwayes loude. 



A caveat 
for Mar- 
riage. 



2 I 



250 



Witty Jeeres. 



[Part V. 



On the 
trees in 

Moore- 
fields. 



The 

Answer e. 



A Woman that is full of growth, 

Is alwayes subject unto sloth. 
So faire, or foule ; little, or tally 

Some fault remaines among them all. 

On the trees in Moore-fields. 

Jy^IND Citizens, I wish these trees may 

grow, 
Even as your homes but make a fairer 

shew. 
Those homes are never seene, nor hurt 

the head, 
That are engrafted on a feather-bed. 

The Answere. 

*7~* H U dull, invective, inconsiderate 

Asse, 
Who set these trees, perhaps thy Father was. 

Was 



Citie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



251 



Was not thy Mother a Woman Free to 
game f 

Wanton and lewd as ariy London Dame? 

Quicke without rod y and free without a 
spurre ; 

And thou, thy selfe (no doubt) some Cuck- 
olds curre. 



In Tobacconistam. 



1\/T VCH meate doth Gluttony produce. 
And makes a man a Swine ; 
But he's a temperate man indeede 

That on a leafe can dine. 
He needes no Napkin for his hands 

His fingers for to wipe ; 
He hath his Kitchin in a Box, 
His roast meate in a Pipe. 



In Tobac- 
conistam. 



Of 



252 



Merry Tales. 



[Part V. 



Of a new- 
married 
woman 
that call'd 
her 

Husband 
Cuckold. 



Of a new-married woman that 
calVd her Husband Cuckold. 

A WENCH new marry' d, within 

three dayes space, 
Did call her husband Cuckold to his face. 
Her husband taking it in great disdaine. 
Thereof did to her mother straight com- 

plaine. 
Her mother rages; ah, base Drab, she 

sayes ! 
What, call thy husband Cuckold in three 

dayes ? 
Thy Father hath beene Cuckold, tis 

knowne well, 
These twenty yeares, yet I durst neere 

it tell. 



Citie.] 



Modeme Jests. 



253 



A Woman beating her husband. 



O 



F late a Woman fiercely did assaile 



A 

Woman 

Her husband with sharp tongue, and \ bating 

her 

husband. 



sharper naile. 
But one that heard and saw it to her 

sayd, 
Why doe you use him thus ? he is your 

head. 
He is my head indeede, saith she, tis true : 
Sir I may scratch my head, and so may 

you. 

On a Scold. 



no man can \ On a 

Scold. 



TTERE lyes a Woman 
deny it ; 
She rests in peace, although she liv'd un 
quiet. 



Her 



254 



Witty . Jeeves. 



[Part V. 



Of two 
Tylers. 



Her husband prayes, if by her grave you 

walke, 
You'd gently tread : for if shee Wake, 

shee'le talke. 

Of two Tylers. 

' I A W0 Tylers working together upon 
one roofe, the one called to the 
other, and asked him if he were not 
ashamed to doe his worke so lightly, 
considering that they were to bee well 
payd for their paines : O (replyes the 
other) thou art a foole : If we worke 
well to day, we may chance beg to mor- 
row. 



Of 



Ct tie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



255 



A 



Of light gold. 

COUNTERY Gentleman comes to 
a Gold-smiths shop in Cheapeside, 
and askes him if he can helpe him to a 
hundred pounds in gold, for so much 
white money : he told him that he could, 
but withall asked him for what use hee 
would have it. Marry (quoth the Gentle- 
man) I am to ride downe into the 
Country, and I would have it for light- 
nesse. For lightnesse ? sayd the Gold- 
smith ? and I presume I can fit you at 
this time, no man in the row better : so 
told him out the summe in light gold ; 
which the Gentleman receiving without 
weight, when he came into the Country, 
he could not put it off without seven 
pounds, and odde money losse. Where- 
fore at his next returne to London, he 



Of light 
gold. 



came 



256 



Merry Tales. 



{Part V. 



came to the Goldsmith, and demanded 
satisfaction ; but he told him that he had 
done him no injury at all ; for (saith he) 
you desired to have gold for the light- 
nesse, and I am of opinion, that few in 
towne could have furnishl you with any 
lighter. 

Horses to Let, 



Horses to 
Let. 



A COUNTRY fellow riding to Lon- 
don, and casting his eyes by 
chance upon a signe, read there these 
words, Here are Horses to Let, 1633, 
which was the yeare the signe was first 
set up in. When presently turning to 
his companion, saith he, so many horses 
in one place to be hired ? I much mar- 
vaile how they doe for stable -roome. 



One 



Ci tie.'] 



Modcrne Jests. 



257 



One cut downe his Pumpe being 
stopt with stones. 

TLE cut it downe \ He downe witlit by 

this handy 
If 'twill not runne, it shall no longer 

stand. 
Me thinkes he might have let his Pumpc 

alone : 
How could it water make y wherit had the 

stone ? 

Of a Welchman to pay a 
reckoning. 

A WELCHMAN in his heat of 

blood, broke another fellowes head 

in the streete, and apprehended for it, 

before he could get away, they made 

2 K 



One cut 

downe his 
Pumpe 
being stopt 
with, 
stones. 



Of a 
Welch- 
man to 
pay a 
reckoning. 



him 



258 Witty Jeeves. {Part V. 

him pay ten groates : which done he 
comes to a Cookes-shop, calls for what 
he likes, and falling into discourse with 
the man of the house, relates to him 
the fore-past story, how they had made 
him pay ten groates for breaking a scald, 
rascally knaves cockscombe. The good 
man told him, so much was the Mulct 
for bloodshed, nothing to be bated. Well 
this past on, and at last when hee had 
satisfied himselfe, he ask't what was to 
pay. Answere was made, there was to 
pay, just five groates. Five groat ? 
replyes the Welchman ; fery well. I 
have no money now ; breake hur head, 
and bring hur the rest. 



Lucie s 



Citie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



259 



Lucies maintenance. 

'T^HE Y that take paines shall get, the 

Proverbe goes : 
Lucie takes pleasure, yet doth nothing lose. 
Poore labouring Porters with much paine 

and sweate, 
Scarse get stifficient victualls for to eate : 
But if that Luce at any time doth lacke, 
She with her belly can releeve her back. 



Of a Madman in Bedlam. 



Lucies 
mainte- 
nance. 



A 



YOUNG woman comming to Bed- | Of a Mad- 
man in 
lam with other of her Neighbours, Bedlam. 



to observe the fashions and behaviours 
of those wretched people, saw a man 
(as she then thought) somewhat more 
distracted than the rest, and taking com- 
passion of him, supposing with her selfe, 



that 



260' 



Merry Tales. 



[Part V. 



that jealousy or some such like fancie 
had occasioned his frenzie, she askt 
him if hee were not married. Marry'd ? 
saith he, looking stedfastly upon her, no 
indeede Gentlewoman, I would have you 
to think, / am not so mad yet. 

Of a rich Citizen and his 
sonne. 



Of a rich 
Citizen 
and his 



A WEALTHY Citizen desirous to 
x make his sonne a Gentleman, put 

him to one of the Innes of the Court, 
to studdie the Law : but being neither 
capable of that nor scarce of common 
sence ; it happened that in discourse 
with a Gentleman of the same house, 
he held a very absur'd argument : where- 
upon the other desired him to render 
him some reason of that which he spoke. 



What 



Ci tie.'] 



Modeme Jests. 



261 



What reason should I give you ? replyes 
the young Gull. Will you have a reason 
of the sunne ? the Gentleman makes 
answere : most sure I am, that if the 
reasons of the Father be no better 
than the reasons of the sonne, You may 
both goe very well together for a couple 
of Coxcombes. 



Of a JVench belonging to 
Hollands Leaguer. 

* I ^WO Gentlemen came to the Leager 
on the Banck-side, desirous to see 
the fashion of the place ; and knocking 
at the gates for entrance, out comes a 
young lisping Girle, newly entertained 
in thither from the Countery. Sayes one 
of them unto her, I prethee sweet heart 
is thy Mistresse within ? the plaine Wench 



Of a 
Wench 
belonging 
to 

Hollands 
Leaguer. 



that 



26: 



Witty Jeeres. 



[Part V. 



that would have sayd, her Mistresse was 
abroad (but not able to pronounce R) 
answered him, Tritely sir my Mistresse 
is a Bawde. We make no doubt of it, 
replyes the Gentlemen, that being the 
chiefe of our comming. The Wench 
blushing at her mistake ran in, and they 
taking the advantage of the open gate, 
followed after, because they would not 
lose their labour. 

A drunken mans mistake. 



A 

drunken 

mans 

mistake. 



/^VNE Moone-shine night in hard frosty 
weather, a Water-man that was 
drunke sate downe on the shoare neere 
Tower-warfe, at a low tide, and falling 
a sleepe slept so long till the tide came 
in, and flowed by degrees even up to 
his mouth, the moone shining in his 



face ; 



Citie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



263 



face ; whereupon suddainely wakening, 
he sayd, No more drinke now I thanke 
you heartily ; but a few more cloathcs 
if you please, and then put out the Candle. 

A French-mans observations. 



A FRENCH Gentleman having lived 
some good while in England, at 
his returne was demanded what notable 
things he had seene and observed there. 
Why, saith he, at Court the ordinary 
people drinke in bootes, (meaning blacke 
Jackes) eate raw fish (meaning Oysters,) 
and strew their roomes with Hay, (mean- 
ing rushes.) 



A Fre?ich- 
man's ob- 
servations. 



A 



264 



Merry Tales. 



{Part V. 



A modest 
Answere. 



A pretty 
shift. 



A modest Answere. 

/^\NE sollicking another mans wife 
to unlawfull lust ; she sayd : sir, 
as long as I was a mayd, I obeyed 
my Parents ; and now that I am a Wife 
I obey my Husband : therefore if your 
request be honest and reasonable, I pray 
goe move it to my husband : for I assure 
you, I will doe nothing of importance 
zuithout his consent. 



A pretty shift. 

A MERRY conceited fellow drinking 
with some Comrades on a Sunday, 
in time of Divine Service, it chanced that 
the Church- Wardens came abroad, knockt, 
and entred the house where they were. 
His companions suspecting the businesse, 

slunk 



Citie?\ 



Moderne Jests. 



265 



slunk away. But he, resolved not to 
part from the chimney corner, that cold 
winter morning, craftily muffled himselfe 
in his cloake, and counterfeited himselfe 
a Grecian, answering nothing but pavure 
Christiane to all that was asked him. 
The Officers not once dreaming what a 
cousening knave was before them, mis- 
taking him for a very Forreiner, left 
him where they found him ; thinking 
him to have more neede of pitty then 
punishment : so when their backs were 
turned, he laughed heartily at the jest, 
and fell to his tipple againe. 



Women commending their 
husbands. 

/"^ERTAINE Gossips tatling together, 

each of them commended her 

owne husband for some one quality or 



Women 
commend- 
ing their 
husbands. 



2 L 



other. 



266 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part V. 



other. One commended hers for being a 
good Scholler ; another hers for a proper 
man ; and a third extolled hers for his 
birth and Gentility ; till at last one 
amongst the rest, that never had child, 
thanked God that she also had a very 
good husband, and one that was en- 
dowed with many good parts ; for he 
could write, and reade, and cast account, 
&c. Tis true Neighbour, saith one of 
the company, we know he hath all these 
good parts, and more ; but yet he cannot 
multiply. 

None but fooles refuse money 
offered them. 



None but 

fooles 

refuse 

money 

offered 

them. 



\ WOMAN told her husband in 

jeasting manner, that shee might 

have had a twenty shillings peece from 

a Gentleman to let him lye with her. 



What 



Citie.~] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



267 



What a foole wert thou, quoth her hus- 
band, not to take it ? with that putting 
her hand into her pocket, shee pulls out 
a twenty -shillings peece, and shewing it 
sayd : Yes I am a foole, am I not hus- 
band ? I am a foole I warrant you. 
You may well imagine the man grew 
home mad. 



A Woman called her husband 
Cuckold neately. 

A CERTAINE pleasant fellow would 
needes undertake one day, to name 
all the Cuckolds in the towne : Fie, fie, 
quoth his wife, for shame give over : but 
he still going on, she cryed out, Nay 
tritely husband, you are such another man. 



A 

Woman 
called her 
husband 
Cuckold 
neately. 



268 



Merry Tales. 



{Part V. 



A Jest of 
the Sonne 
ttpon the 
Father. 



A yest of the Sonne upon the 
Father. 

A N old Knight of good quality, being 
one day at dinner in a Taverne 
with some other Gentlemen, and a sonne 
of his, they had amongst other meates an 
Eele to dinner, which when the reckon- 
ing came up, was rated at a very high 
prize. The Knight tooke great excep- 
tions at the deerenesse of the Eele, and 
was very much offended at it. But so it 
happened that at the very instant there 
came by the dead corps of an honour- 
able Lady, between whom in her life time, 
and this Knight there had bin great 
friendship. Whereupon at first sight 
of it, not able to containe himselfe, hee 
burst out into teares, and expressed his 

griefe 



Ci tie.] 



Modenie Jests. 



269 



griefe somewhat passionately. His son 
sitting by him, (being a very ingenious 
gentleman, and full of conceite) sud- 
dainely tooke his father by the Arme, 
saying, I beseech you sir, forbeare your 
teares, least the Drawer thinke yon weepe 
for the deerenesse of the Eele : which con- 
ceite put all the company into a great 
laughter. 

A London Taylour. 

A LONDON Taylour, going one Va- 
cation into the Country, to gather 
up some debts among his customers, was 
very brave in his apparell, and carryed 
himself (where he thought he was not 
known) as if he had beene a man of 
good qualitie. But being discovered, a 
merry copanion in his company, drunk 



A London 
Taylour. 



270 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part V. 



How an 

Old 71ICUI 

lost his 
sonnes. 



a whole great cup of sack to him, which 
the Taylor endevouring to pledg, drink 
not off. 6 S r said th' other, winde up your 
bottome : but he making a stand at it ; 
the Gentleman adds further, alas, it is 
but a thimble full. 

How an old man lost his 
sonnes. 

r I ^ HERE was an old Gentleman, a 
great company-keeper, whom many 
young Gallants (that were no way allayed 
to him) for Jiis age and gravitie, called 
Father. On a time this ancient Gentle- 
man being in Holborne when the con- 
demned Prisoners were going from New- 
gate, towards execution ; one of them 
espying him, desiring that the cart might 
be stayed, and calling to him by the 



name 



Cttie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



271 



name of father, wisht to speake with 
him : who when hee came, the Prisoner 
onely tooke his leave of him, and desired 
to be recommended to such and such of 
his old companions, and so away went 
the Cart. Well said the old Gentleman, 
I have had many sonnes in this towne, 
and missing them, could never tell what 
became of them till now : and now I see 
which way they goe. 

A hard match. 

A GOOD fellow that had tippled liber- 
ally ; till his head was fuller of 
liquor than discretion, as hee went along 
the streets, hapned in the darke to runne 
against the post, and conceiving it to be 
some man that affronted him, fell upon 
it with his fists, beating all the skinne 



A hard 
match. 



Off 



272 



Merry Tales. 



{Part V. 



off on his hands, and knuckles. One 
comming by, demanded of him what he 
meant : why, this Rascally knave (quoth 
hee) this Totterdemallion here, jostles me, 
and will not let me passe quietly. Alas 
sir, replyed the other, you are mistaken, 
it is a Poast. A Poast ? saith he, a-a 
Poxe on him, why did hee not blow his 
home then ? 



Ay est 
upon a 
Taylor. 



A Jest upon a Taylor. 

A TAYLOR riding upon a mare in 
the High -way, was met by two 
others, a Sayler, and a Draper : who, 
before he was upon them, saith the Say- 
ler ; see, yonder is a man on horseback. 
But the Draper knowing him, and the 
beast hee rid on ; said, friend you are 
much mistaken, for hee is a Taylor, 



therefore 



Citie.] 



Modeme Jests. 



273 



therefore no man, and he rides upon a 
Mare y therefore hee is not on horse-backe. 



The Taylors retort upon the 
Draper. 

r I "* H E Tayler overhearing him, and 
knowing who he was, demanded 
of him, if he knew how the Proverbe 
came first up, that three Taylers go to 
a man ? He answered no : why then I 
will tell you, replies the Tayler : So it 
hapned, that three Taylors meeting upon 
the high-way with a broken Draper ; 
(even by accident as we do now;) The 
Draper laid open his wants to them : 
they commiserating his case, put their 
hands into their pockets, and so liberally 
relieved him, that he after set up his 
trade, and grew rich againe : and surely 



The 

Taylors 
retort 
tipo?i the 
Draper. 



2 M 



from 



274 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part V. 



from hence first came the Proverbe, that 
three Taylors goe to the making up of one 
man. And thus he payed him home in 
his owne coyne. 



Of a red 

Face. 



Of a red Face. 

A MAN of a cleare Visage, meeting 
another with a very high colour, 
said to him, Sir, you have a very red 
face : true (answered he) I have so, 
yet I scorne to doe as thou dost. How 
is that ? replied the other. Marry, saith 
he, to make no difference betwixt my 
nose and my tayle, but to weare them 
both of one complexion. 



Ci tie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



275 



A Jest put on a Drawer. 



o 



NE meeting a Drawer with his belt, j A 7 est 

or rather, sur-single about him, a Drawer. 

full of Pines, Quarts, and Pottles ; said 

to his friend, see, there goes a Pot- 
companion. 

A Bakers wife and her Sweet- 
heart. 



A BAKERS wife in absence of her 
husband, entertained a Paramour 
of hers : but her good man comming 
home unexpectedly before his houre, she 
bade her friend step aside, and hide 
him selfe in the Hoggs-stie, which he 
did, and troubling the Swine at their 
rest, they began to grunt, and make a 
great noyse ; insomuch that the husband 



A Bakers 
wife and 
her Sweet- 
heart. 



hearing 



2j6 



Merry Tales. 



\_Part V. 



hearing it, began to wonder, and suspect 
something: wherefore stepping aside to 
the place (it being then night) he asked 
who was there : the fellow answered 
nothing, but grunted like one of the 
Hogges. But the other more earnestly 
clamoured, who is there ? and what art 
thou ? At last the fellow, forgetting 
himselfe through feare, answered, I am 
one of thy Hogs. The husband thinking 
the devill had spoke in one of his Swine, 
greatly affrighted, ran into the house to 
fetch a light, which the cunning Wench 
delayed with all the excuses she could 
make, till her friend had time sufficient 
to quit the place, and then she was very 
forward to assist her husband in his 
search. But when they found no body, 
she began to blame his vaine jealousie, 
and said, fie, what a blockhead are you, 



that 



Citie.~] 



Moderne Jests. 



277 



that can not distinguish an Hogge from 
an Whoremaster. 



A pretty mistake. 

A GENTLEWOMAN having beene 
abroad with her man in the City, 
finding her stomacke not well, called 
by the way to another of { her familier 
acquaintance ; who lovingly entertained 
her, calling for a chaire, and seeming 
glad of her kinde visite. The Gentle- 
woman was no sooner seated, but said, 
I pray you can you helpe me to some 
hot water ? She simply answered her 
againe : I am sorry truely, that you 
came not a little sooner : for but now, 
there was a whole Kittle full seething 
on the fire. 



A pretty 
mistake. 



A 



278 



Witty Jeeres. 



[Part V. 



A Jest 
returned. 



A yest returned. 

A N Upholster had a daughter, hand- 
some, and marriageable, whose 
name was Martha ; but for brevities sake 
they commonly called her Mat. Now 
so it hapned, that one comming to buy 
a Mat for his bed, could not be fitted 
with one to his liking : wherefore the 
good man, to put a tricke upon him, 
called downe his daughter, and said to 
him, friend, you have disliked a great 
many, here is now another : I pray tell 
me, what doe you thinke of this Mat ? 
Even as of the rest, replied the Customer : 
I come not to trade here for wares at 
second hand : if possible I could, / would 
have a Mat that zvas never lame upon. 



Of 



CitteJ] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



279 



Of a Lawyer and a Constable. 

A COUNSELLOUR of Law being 
very pleasant at a Taverne in 
SmitMeld, with divers of his friends, 
their purpose was to make a night of it, 
and be merry till the morning. And 
having store of lights, and withall being 
somewhat loud, a Constable knockt at 
the doore, and was let in : who when 
he saw them to be men of fashion, he 
intreated them either to depart the house, 
or to make lesse noise. But the Lawyer 
stood upon his tearmes, saying, they were 
in their lodging, from whence his power 
could not remove them ; and withall, so 
farre sleighted him, calling him good- 
man Constable, and giving him other op- 
probrious languages, that he tooke leave 
of them, and bid them good night : who 



Of a 

Lawyet 
and a 
Constable. 



was 



280 



Merry Tales. 



[Part V. 



was no sooner gone, but they jeared his 
simplicitie, which he over-heard, and 
some an houre and halfe after comming 
to the doore, beate at it as loud as hee 
was able : at which extraordinary noise, 
the Lawyer and his company came 
downe, and with the good man of the 
house, demanded what the matter was. 
The Constable made answer, that a sad 
disaster had hapned, and that a man was 
killed in the lower end of the field, en- 
treating them, as they were Gentlemen, 
to goe along with him, and instruct him 
what in that case he were best to doe. 
Presently they called for their cloakes, 
to goe with the Constable ; but no sooner 
were they out of doores, but hee with a 
strong Watch apprehended them, and 
said ; Now Mr. Lawyer, I will shew you 
a tricke for your learning ; and having 



tooke 



Ci He.'] 



Moderne Jests. 



281 



tooke you out of your Castle, I will make 
bold to carry you to the Counter. 



Two Doctors of Physicke and 
a Chamber-pot. 

nPWO Doctors of Physicke walking 
early in a morning together, a 
Chambermaide out of a window, emptied 
a Pis-pot on their heads, and cry'd them 
mercy ; whereat one of them was very 
angry ; but the other was of a milder 
temper, said, Fellow Doctor, though wee 
are Physitians, let us at this time be 
Patients : for the amends is where the 
injury begun ; upon our owne heads. 
And withall, calling to the Wench, he 
said ; art not thou ashamed, being none 
of your Calling, to offer to cast a water 
before two Doctors f 



Two 

Doctors of 
Physicke 
and a 

Chamber- 



2 N 



Of 



282 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part V. 



Of a 

Grocer 
that broke. 



Ofa 

Barber 
new 

married. 



Of a Grocer that broke. 

A CERTAINE Grocer, whose trading 
failed, (as it is a common calami- 
tie now a-dayes) broke, and was clapt up 
in prison ; where divers of his neighbours 
comming to see him, asked him how 
hee, who was alwayes reputed rich and 
wealthy, could come to be imprisoned 
for debt ; demanding likewise, wherein 
his losses did accrew to him. O, saith 
he, I have lost by Tobacco, I have lost 
by Suger, and I have lost by many 
things : but it was Mace which gave me 
the last fatall blow, that sunke me. 

Of a Barber new married. 

\ SPRUCE Barber having married a 
young smugge Lasse, and presum- 
ing on his wit (the same that he was used 



to 



Citie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



283 



to vent upon his customers, when they 
were trimming :) on the Wedding night 
they were no sooner layd in bed, and 
the company gone ; but hee thinking 
to put a tricke upon her, because he 
thought her somewhat simple, made 
proffer to rise from her. She asked him 
his reason. Hee made answer, because 
he tooke her to be a Virgin, and was 
loth to put her to too much paines, he 
had an instrument in his Case, which he 
would instantly fetch, to prevent all such 
inconveniences. She, when she heard this, 
clasped him close in her armes, and said, 
sweet husband lye downe againe, there 
is no such need ; my fathers Journey- 
man hath taken such order with me, 
many moneths agoe, that you may very 
well spare that labour. 



Of 



284 



Merry Tales. 



\_Part V. 



Of a Lock- 
smith and 
his wife. 



Of a Locksmith and his wife. 

A LOCK-SMITH jealous of his wife, 
and that not without cause, had 
often read her Lectures, telling her how 
precious a womans chastitie was, and 
how honourable the state of matrimoney. 
And being best acquainted with his owne 
trade, hee would draw his comparisons 
from that : when thinking to hit the naile 
on the head, hee proceeded to hammer 
out his minde, as followeth : Women 
ought to keepe a latch upon the doore, 
their breasts bolted, their hearts lockt, 
and double lockt, their bodies neither to 
be wrested by force, nor opened by pick- 
locks, and the like. She being vexed 
with the tediousnesse of his talke, brooke 
out into passion, and said, here is a coile 
indeede with your barres, your bolts, and 



your 



Citie.] 



Moderne Jests. 



285 



your locks ; when there is not a Tapster, 
nor an Oaster, that I know, but hath as 
good a key, as the best Smith of you all, 
to open. 



A Tobacco man and his wife. 

T N Christmas time, one that sold To- 
bacco, went to the Temple, to ven- 
ture his money at play : wherefore his 
wife thinking him safe for the greatest 
part of that night, had entertained a 
friend, who was no sooner in her cham- 
ber, but another of her Customers knockt 
at the doore ; and she for a sudden shift, 
was faine to convey the first to the top 
of the Bed-teaster. The second was no 
sooner received, but her husband him- 
self knockt, then she made him creepe 
under the bed, and thinking all safe let 



A To- 
bacco man 
and his 
wife. 



him 



286 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part V. 



him in, who making himselfe unready, 
went with his wife to take their rest. 
But as soone as he was lay'd, hee fetched 
a great sigh, and she demanded the 
cause. O wife, saith he, I have had very 
bad luck to night, for I have lost all my 
mony. Now fie, his wife replied, you 
will be still playing the ill husband ; but 
who doe you thinke will pay it you 
backe ? Why ? I hope, saith he, hee 
that is above will in time doe that. 
Which he upon the Teaster hearing, and 
thinking he was discovered, leaped downe, 
saying, indeede neighbour, I that was above 
the bed, will be willing to pay the one 
halfe, so that hee which is under the bed, 
will pay the other. 



Citie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



287 



A Witty yeare. 

A CURATE, or Reader that had 
received some affront from the 
prime Parishioners, in reading that Verse 
of one of the Psalmes : A man without 
understanding, may be compared to the 
beasts that perish ; he said, A man with- 
out understanding may be compared to the 
best in the Parish. 



A Witty 
yeare. 



An easie mistake. 



r I A H R E E or foure good fellowes 
amidst their Cups, growing some- 
what devoutly minded, began to talke 
of what should become of their bodies, 
after their decease. Saith one of them, 
if it please God, when I am dead, I 
purpose to be buried in such a Parish, 



An easie 
mistake. 



where 



288 



Merry Tales. 



[Part V. 



where my father, and my mother, and a 
great many of our kindred lye : for there 
was I borne, and brought up. And saith 
the second, I for the same reason, will 
be buried in such a Parish. Then saith 
the third, I in such a Parish. Then 
saith the fourth, and if it please God to 
send me life a7id healthy I will be buried 
in Shore-ditch. 



A 

countrey 
fellotv 
speaking 
of cm 
Homily. 



A Countrey fellow speaking of 
an Homily. 

"\ J P N the first day of November 
last, in the fore-none, a motion 
was made amongst some well disposed, 
to goe to such a place, and heare a 
Sermon : to which one of them replied, 
if you goe to heare a Sermon, I assure 
you, you will lose your labour, for there 



is 



Citie.] 



Modeme Jests. 



289 



is no Sermon at all : but I make no 
doubt but wee shall heare a good Homily, 
and there will be a very great auditory. 
Homily ! saith a Countrey fellow that 
was amongst them. Nay, if it be no 
otherwise, goe hee that will, for I will 
not. One of them askt him why. Why ? 
alas (quoth he) what can one Homily 
doe amongst all us ? 

Of asking the Banes of 
Matrimony, 



A FELLOW that dwelt in one of | Of asking 
the Banes 

the most populous Parishes of the j of Matri- 
Suburbs, discoursing with a friend of his, 
amongst other things, said, I verily 
beleeve there is more asking at our 
Church, than at any one Parish about 
London. Verily, and I beleeve so too, 



mony. 



2 O 



replyed 



290 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part V. 



replyed the other, that there is much 
asking, but very little giving. 



Gentlemen in a Taverne. 



Gentlemen 
in a 
Taverne. 



A COMPANY of Gentlemen being 
in a Taverne, the Drawer had 
brought them a foule cloth ; at which 
one of them, much offended, called for 
a fresh one (or else they would presently 
leave the house :) the Drawer brought 
it, and going to take away the foule 
one, another of the Gentlemen sitting by, 
said, well sirrah, you have leave to re- 
move that cloth, but upon condition, that 
thou dost not take it cleane away. 



Citz'e.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



291 



A pretty conceite. 

A GENTLEMAN in the Winter time, | A ? rett y 
j conceite, 
was invited to Supper to a Citi- j 

zens house, where after the cloth was 
taken away, and they set round before 
the Chimney : falling into much dis- 
course, and seeing neither Beere nor 
Wine brought in, and withall the fire 
almost out ; not able to containe him- 
self any longer, he said, well, if these 
coales were as dry as I am, I make no 
question but they would burne much better. 
Which words were no sooner uttered, but 
those defects were instantly supply'd. 

Two friends falling out. 

TW O Gentlemen that had beene I Two 
I friends 

long friends, the one being drunk, ] failing 

i out. 

and the other sober, fell into some dif- { 



ference, 



292 



Merry Tales. 



{Part V. 



ference, insomuch that hee who had got 
a Cup in his pate, tooke up a stoole, 
and flung it at the others head ; which 
he avoyding catcht the stoole, and rested 
himselfe upon it. The other askt him if 
he were angry, and if he thought he 
had received any wrong. He modestly 
answered, indeede I have received some 
wrong, but you see / am content to sit 
downe with it. 



A tall 
man, and 
a low 

man. 



A tall man, and a low man. 

'T^WO Dutch men, the one very tall, 
and the other of exceeding low 
stature, walking together in the street ; a 
pleasant Gentleman seeing them, said to 
his friend, see yonder goe together High 
Germany and the Low Countries. 



Czlze.] 



Moderne Jests. 



293 



A corrupt "Jury. 

m I ^WELVE men being paneld on a 
Jury, where one was suspected to 
be a great Malefactor, and strong evi- 
dence given in against him ; notwith- 
standing was cleared by seven on the 
twelve, and so the major part carried it. 
A little after the delinquent meeting with 
his adversary, said unto him : well, for 
all your Envy, the Jury gave you no 
credit. To which the other replyed, yes, 
five of them gave me credit, but the 
other seven gave you none : for as I 
have since understood, you gave them 
their money beforehand. 



A corrupt 
Jury. 



One 



294 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part V. 



One that 
preached 
against 
Usury. 



One that preached against 
Usury. 

A DIVINE in London, having chosen 
a fit Text, bitterly inveighed 
against Usury, and after Sermon was 
invited to dinner by a rich man, that 
had got all his estate that way: who 
taking occasion to speake with him, be- 
fore they sate downe to Table, blamed 
him for some things in his Sermon, 
which hee said hee might very well 
have spared. The other gave him a full 
hearing without interruption, but after- 
ward said ; Nay sir, Since you doe not 
like of my Breakefast, I can no way ap- 
prove of your Dinner. And so, taking a 
short leave, left him. 



Of 



Ci tie.'] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



295 



Of Roaring Gallants. 

A WITTY Gentleman, but a good 
husband withall, compared roaring 
Gallants about the towne, to so many 
Pedlers, and being demanded his reason, 
he made answer : because they weave all 
their wealth upon their backes. 



Of 

Roaring 

Gallants. 



Of a Countrey Gentleman, and 
a City Barbar. 

A COUNTREY Gentleman, who had 
a very faire long beard, in which 
hee tooke much delight, came up to the 
Tearme, went into a Barbars shop to be 
trimm'd ; and as he was in the suds, a 
Gentleman a country man of his, came 
into the shop by meere accident : where 
seeing and knowing him (though he were 



Of a 

Countrey 
Gentle- 
man, and 
a City 
Barbar. 



then 



296 Merry Tales. [Part V. 



then in Hucksters handling,) he saluted 
him, and said, he would give him a pint 
of sacke : which being brought, and a 
glasse calPd for, hee drunke to him, as 
hee was in the Barbars hands. The 
Gentleman told him he would pledge 
him, but seeing hee had drunke but 
halfe a glasse, hee said to him ; Nay y 
off with all I pray thee: the Barber 
thinking he had spoke to him, whipt off 
the Gentlemans beard close to his chinne. 
How they agreed about it, I can not 
tell : but with the Barbers cutting off 
the Gentlemans beard, / cut off my long 
discourse, and here end. 



COUNTREY 




COVNTRIE JESTS 



Lib. II. Part VL 



A Justice of Peace and a 
Horsestealer. 

A HORSE stealer was brought to 
be examined before a Justice ; 
who finding the fellonie apparant : well 
sirrah, sayd he, if thou beest not hang'd 
for this, He be hang'd for thee. I humbly 
thanke your worship, replyed the theefe, 
and when the time comes, / desire you 
not to be out of tlie way. 



A Justice 
of Peace 
and a 
Horse- 
stealer. 



2 P 



298 



Witty Jeei'es. 



[Part VI. 



A Gentle- 
man 

Arrested. 



A Gentleman Arrested. 

A GENTLEMAN being Arrested, 
and brought before a Country 
Major who was by profession a Tanner ; 
the Sergeants handled him somewhat 
roughly. At length espying an Oxe 
hide, my friends (quoth he) why doe 
you trouble your selves so much about 
me ? me thinkes you had more neede, 
and it would better become you, to brush 
your Masters gowne that lyes there on the 
ground. 



Two Welchmen in a Robbery. 



Two 
Welch- 
men in a 
Robbery. 



r I A WO Welchmen were taken in a 

Robbery/ whereof the one (known 

to be an old theefe) was hang'd ; but 

the other, be cause it was his first fault 



was 



Countries 



Pleasant Taunts. 



299 



was onely whipt and let goe. This last 
theefe when he came into his Country, 
they asked him what was become of his 
old friend, and Countrey-man : he told 
them for a truth that he was marryed. 
But some of them not beleeving it, 
pressed him further to know when, and 
to whom. Begot, replyed the fellow, I 
cannot tell ; but I'me sure, / was made 
to dance at her wedding. 



Of a Servingman. 

A SERVINGMAN bringing a brace 
of Grey-hounds from his Master to 
a Knight, the Knight askt him if they 
were good dogges, or no. Good dogs ? 
quoth the fellow. I will assure you for 
this (pointing to one of them) hee is the 
best dogge that ever ranne with foure 



Of a 

Serving- 



legges 



300 



Merry Tales. 



[Part VI. 



legges upon the earth : and this other 
here is three times better than he. 



Of a 
Justice 
and his 
Man. 



Of a yustice and his Man. 

A CROW sitting upon a small, slen- 
der bough, which every gust of 
winde moved up and downe, cry'd, ka, 
ka, ka. An old Justice of Peace, and 
his serving-man, riding then with other 
company upon the way ; Harke (quoth 
the Justice to his man) what the Crow 
sayes to thee ; she would, if she could, 
say knave, knave. Nay, not to me sir, 
replyed the fellow, sure shee meanes it 
to some man of Worship in this company ; 
you may well perceive so by her many 
low beckes and congies. 



Countries] 



Modeme Jests. 



301 



A Gentleman and a Theefe. 

A THEEFE purposing one night to 
rob a Gentlemans Chamber, had 
set a Ladder up to his window ; and 
being at the top of it, ready to make 
his entrance, the Gentleman by chance 
was awake : who hearing him came to 
the window, and sayd : My friend it is 
your best course, to stay till an houre 
or two hence, for / am not yet asleepe. 
The theefe hearing him, what with haste 
and feare, tumbled downe from the ladder, 
and without the helpe of a halter had 
almost broke his Neck. 



A Gentle- 
man and 
a Theefe. 



A Spanish Travellour. 

A SPANIARD benighted in his way 

from Dover towards London, was 

forced to knocke at a poore Ale-house 



A Spanish 
Travel- 
lour. 



for 



302 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part VI. 



for lodging : the Hostesse demanding 
his name, he told her it was Don Pedro 
Gonzales Gaietam, de Gueveza. Alas sir, 
quoth the good woman, my small house 
neither affords roome, nor meat for so 
many. 



A Father 
and his 
daughter. 



A Father and his daughter. 

A COUNTRY man suspitious of his 
Daughter, and no way affecting a 
certaine young fellow that was suiter to 
her ; tooke his daughter to schooling, 
making her vow, never more to come in 
his company without asking leave. A 
little after her father sitting by the fire, 
and she having notice given her that 
her friend was at doore, she fained to 
reach something behinde her father, and 
as^ shee stooped, sayd ; Father by your 



leave 



Countries] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



303 



leave : Marry good leave have you Daugh- 
ter, saith he. Which was no sooner 
spoken, but out she went to her sweete- 
heart ; and saw her father no more, till 
she came home a married wife. 



Of a sicke man. 

A MAN lying desperately sicke, he 
was perswaded by his Physitians 
to prepare himselfe for heaven, for they 
saw little hope of him. I (saith he) 
God pardon me, as I pardon all that 
have injur'd me ; and for such a man, 
who hath done me most wrong, I forgive 
him with all my soule : F but if it please 
God that I recover this sicknesse, / will 
be revenged on him to the titmost of my 
poiver. 



Of a sicke 
man. 



304 



Merry Tales. 



{Part VI 



A Scotch 
man and 
his Mis- 
tresse. 



A Scotch man and his 
Mistresse. 

J" N the beginning of the spring, when 
scarce one flower was seene to bud 
out of the earth, a Scotchman by chance 
espying a Primrose fairely blowne ; and 
being about to plucke it, he considered 
with himselfe, how much more acceptable 
it would be to his Lady, and Mistresse, 
if for the rarenesse thereof, she gathered 
it with her owne faire hand : and in this 
thought he purposed to bring her to the 
place. But fearing least any in his ab- 
sence should finde it out, he covered it 
with his Hat, and so went with all speede 
to his Ladies Chamber. In this Interim 
one passing by Andes the Hat, removes it 
to see what was under it ; and espying 
the flower, cropt it, leaving insteed there- 



of, 



Countrie.] 



Moderne Jests. 



305 



of, a rose of a farre worse smell : which 
hee likewise covered with the Hat, and 
away he went. Presently after comes I 
the Scotchman leading his Lady by the 
Arme, tells her after many complements, 
the rarenesse of the flower, and of his 
great fortune to finde it, and how much 
more pretious she would make it, by 
plucking it her selfe. Why, where a 
Gods -name (saith she) is this dainty 
flower, you so much commend ? Here 
sweete Lady (answered he) covered with 
this my Bever : and with that curiously 
removing it, he discovers the thing I 
spake of, still smelling, and therefore 
more offensive to the smell. The Scotch- 
man blushes, the Lady railes : what he 
then thought, or how her dainty nostrills 
tooke it, I leave it to the Readers con- 
sideration. 



2 Q 



A 



306 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part VI. 



A Master 
of a Ship. 



A Master of a Ship. 

Y^VNE Mr. Man Master of a ship that 
was called the Moone, had great 
familiarity with a Saylers wife, in absence 
of her husband. At length the Sayler 
comming home, found his wife to be a 
light huswife, and hearing she had used 
suspitious meetings with a young sea- 
faring man, hee charged her with his 
company, urging her upon her salvation, 
to 'tell him what in that kinde had 
passed betwixt them. The woman to 
give his jealousie satisfaction, fell downe 
upon her knees, and wish'd some heavie 
fate might betide her, if she knew more 
by that party, than by the man in the 
Moone. At which protestation her hus- 
band was satisfied, and as it is sayd, 
never jealous after. 



Countries 



Pleasant Taunts. 



307 



A Land-lord and his Tenant. 



A TENANT had a horse, which 
many times look'd into his Land- 
lords ground : for no hedge nor ditch 
could stop him, but he would still feede 
where he saw best grasse. At length 
the Land-lord sent word to his Tenant, 
peremptorily, that if hee ever tooke his 
horse in his ground againe, he would 
cut off his taile. Will he so ? replyed 
the Tenant : Well, my Land-lord may 
doe his pleasure ; but tell him againe 
from me, that if he ait off his taile, Fie 
cut of his eares. The Land-lord upon 
this Menace sues him, and bindes him to 
the peace and good behaviour : but when 
the case came to be decided, the Tenant 
pleaded that his Land -lord had much 
mistaken him, for his answere reached 



A Land- 
lord and 
his 
Tenant. 



no 



308 



Merry Tales. 



{Part VI, 



no farther than thus : that if his Land- 
lord did cut off his horses taile, he pur- 
posed to cut off his horses eares, and to 
make him Crop-ear'd, as the other had 
made him Cut-tail'd. 

Of an old Beggar. 

of an old A N old beggar in Cornwall, whose 

Beggar. XJL 

name was Ball, lived till he was 
above sevenscore yeares old : and being 
asked by many, what course hee tooke, 
to continue his life to that length of 
yeares, he would still make answere he 
loved a cup of good Ale, and that he 
used to drinke continually, but of other 
Physicke he never tasted any. The 
Beggar dying, a witty Gentleman of the 
County, made him this Epitaph : 



Here 



Countrie.] 



Moderne Jests. 



309 



Here Ball the quondam Beggar lyes, 

Who counted by his tale 
Some sevenscome winters, and above. 

Such vertue is in Ale. 
Ale was his meate, Ale was his drinke, 

Ale did his life deprive : 
For could he still have drunk his Ale, 

He yet had beene alive. 

Of a Tenant to the Arch- 
bishop, 



A 



SIMPLE fellow comming to the ' o/a 

a t t» • t t> 1 1 * • Tenant to 

Arch-Bishops Palace to tender his | the Arch- 



rent, was by the Porter conducted to 
the Steward : who, when hee saw him, he 
told him he had brought his Lordships 
worship some money for the cottage he 
lived in. The Steward received it, but 
withall told him, hee must leave out 



Worship, 



3io 



Witty Jeeres. 



[Part VI. 



Worship, and put in Grace. But before 
the small sum was told, the Arch-bishop 
came through the great Hall, and de- 
manded of the Steward what the poore 
mans businesse was. The Tenant pre- 
vented his answere, and making two or 
three low legs, began againe with if it 
please your Worship. The Steward still 
prompted him, and told him he must 
say Grace. Must I ? sayd the fellow : 
why then I will, and holding up his 
hands began, the eyes of all things, &c. 



Of a 
signe Post. 



Of a signe Post. 

A GENTLEMAN passing through a 

faire towne, and spying the signe 

of a Blue Bore most pittifully drawne, 

rides into the Inne, and calls aloud for 

somebody to take money. Downe comes 



the 



Countries 



Pleasant Taunts. 



3ii 



the Chamberlaine, and askes his worship 
what he had had. Had ? saith he, 
nothing : but I desire to take view of 
the Monster to bee seene. The fellow 
asked him what Monster. Marry that 
strange Monster (quoth he) whose picture 
you have hung out at your gate. Alas 
sir, the fellow answered, you mistake 
your selfe that is our signe. Your signe 
saves the Gentleman. It is a signe 
indeede, that the Painter was an Asse 
which made it> and thy Master a Cox- 
combe that bought it. 



Of a high-way Lawyer. 



A 



KENTISH high -way Lawyer, j Of a 

high-way 

whom scarce any booty could es- Lawyer. 



cape, being very well horst, meetes with 
a Justice of peace his Clarke, that had 



five 



312 



Merry Tales. 



{Part VI. 



five pounds of his Masters in his pocket. 
The theefe, having it seemes some intelli- 
gence thereof, crosseth him in a narrow 
lane, and demands his money : the youth 
was loth to part with it, but seeing there 
was no remedie : Well, saith he, I have 
vowed never to deliver it ; but if you will 
needes have it, fetch it, there it is, and 
with that flings his purse over the hedge. 
The theefe greedy of the booty, tyes 
his horse to the stile, and over he goes 
for the Money : which the lad seeing, he 
unties his horse, gets up into the saddle, 
and with the theefes cloake bagge behind 
him, rides backe to his Master, telling 
him the whole story. The Cloake -bag 
being opened, there they found three- 
score pound in ready Cash, besides 
bootes, shirts, and other commodities. 



Countrie.] 



Moderne Jests. 



313 



A Farmers wife and her sonne. 

A COUNTRY Farmers wife sending 
her young sonne, to fetch home 
their sixe Kine from the field, to bee 
milked in the Yard, the boy goes as 
she bids him, and brings home but five : 
which his mother seeing, askt him what 
was become of the sixt, Marry (quoth 
he) she is turned down your deepe dirty 
lane, where I could not come at her ; I 
thinke she is gone to the Divell. Nay 
then stay boy, sayd the Mother, trouble 
thy selfe no farther : thy father shall 
goe himselfe, for he has bootes on. 



A Far- 
mers wife 
and her 
sonne. 



2 R 



3*4 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part VI. 



A Gentle- 
man and 
his 
Mistresse. 



A Gentleman and his Mistresse. 

A GENTLEMAN being to be mar- 

ryed to a Gentlewoman, whose 
name was Mary Meere : a license was 
got, that they should be Marryed in 
Lent : upon which occasion he wrote 
unto her, as folio weth. 
Your name is Marry Meere, and yet a 

maide : 
And therefore you a Meere -mayde may 

be sayd. 
A Meere mayd's flesh above, and fish 

below ; 
And so may you be too, for ought I 

know. 
Your upper parts have given me much 

content. 
I hope to prove your latter parts in Lent. 



Stratford 



Countrie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



315 



o 



Stratford upon Avon. 

NE travelling through Stratford strat/on 

; upon 

upon Avon, A towne remarkeable Avon - 



for the birth of famous William Shak- 
speere, and walking in the Church, espyed 
a Tombes-stone, layd more than three 
hundred years agoe, upon which was en- 
graven an Epitaph to this purpose : I 
Thomas such a one, and Elizabeth my 
wife, here under lye buried, and know 
Reader that I Ro. C. and I Christopher 
Q. are alive at this houre to witnesse it. 

Fire and Toe. 

f~\ N E seeing a fellow warming his 
^"^^ feete by a hot sea coale fire : 
My friend, saith he, what doe you meane, 
to put Fire and toe together. 



Fire a?id 
Toe. 



A 



3i6 



Merry Tales. 



{Part VI. 



A 

Country 

Fellow 

hunting 

with the 

King. 



A Country Fellow hunting 
with the King, 

T/ 7 ~ I N G James being a hunting and 
very earnest in his sport, a Coun- 
try fellow crost it, insomuch that the 
dogs were at a losse : at which the King 
extreamely enraged, drew his skeine, and 
rid after the man with all the speede he 
possibly could. The fellow perceiving 
his Majestie to pursue him in his anger, 
cryed out aloud, I beseech your High- 
nesse to pardon me ; for I have no desire 
to be Knighted yet. And this he repeated 
so often, that turning the Kings rage 
into laughter, hee bad him to ride fast 
enough, and farre enough and be hang'd : 
for hee better deserved a halter, than a 
Knighthood. 



A 



Countries 



Modeme Jests. 



317 



A Country fellow at a Gentle- 
mans Table, 

A COUNTRY fellow being admitted 
to a Gentlemans Table, fell upon 
the Artechoakes at lower end, and eating 
the burres, was almost choak'd. Saith 
one that sate neere him, friend why are 
you so busie there, it being a dish re- 
served for the last ? Marry (answered 
the fellow, as well as he could) I am 
of your minde : for I thinke they are the 
last dish that ever I shall taste of. 

A remarkeable fteece of Justice, 

A FELLOW and a wench taken one 

Evening suspitiously together, in a 

pound, were by the Constable committed, 



A 

Country 
fellow at a 
Gentle- 
mans 
Table. 



A re- 

markeablc 
peece of 
Justice. 



and 



3i» 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part VI. 



and the next morning brought before a 
Justice : but they both standing obsti- 
nately in their Innocence, the Justice 
called the Wench aside, and promised her 
upon his credit, that if she would deale 
faithfully and truely with him, she should 
escape without punishment. In briefe, 
he. so farre insinuated with her by good 
words, that she confest the truth to him : 
for which the Justice commended her, but 
making a Mittimus for the man, sent him 
to prison. At length as she was taking 
leave (as thinking her selfe at liberty) he 
call'd her backe and askt her what the 
fellow had given her for her consent : 
shee told him (if it pleased his worship) 
he had given her half a crowne, shew- 
ing him the money. Truely woman (re- 
plyed the Justice) that does not please 
my worship : for though for thy fornica- 



tion, 



Countrie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



319 



tion, I have acquitted thee, yet for thy 
extortion I must of force commit thee, 
because thou hast taken halfe a crown in the 
Pound : and so sent her to the house of 
correction, to beare her friend company. 



Of a Calfe that was supposed 
to have eaten a Man. 

A POO RE man travelling through 
some parts of Germany in the 
depth of winter, and passing by a Gibbet, 
where hung the body of a theefe, lately 
executed, he would have pluckt off his 
stockings to supply his present want ; 
but by reason of the extremity of weather 
(which is very violent in those parts) 
they were so frozen to his legges, that 
he was forced with his knife to cut them 
off by the knees ; which he did, and 



Of a 

Calfe that 
was stip- 
fosed to 
have eaten 
a Ma?i. 



hiding 



320 



Merry Tales. 



[Part VI. 



hiding them under his cloake, brought 
them to his Inne. But being lodged 
that night in a warm stove or hot house, 
it fell out so that the Host lodged a 
young weake calfe with him, least it 
should perish with the Cold. Well, early 
in the morning the poore travellour 
wanting money to pay for his lodging, 
had now easily drawn off the stockings, 
and convayed himselfe away, leaving the 
legges behind him ; and before any body 
was stirring in the house, was well for- 
ward on his journey. The Host soone 
after rose, and the first thing he did 
was to visite his calfe ; where finding 
the poore beast onely and the bare 
legges, he was strangely affrighted, ran 
out, and raised his Neighbours, protesting 
to the that he had a guest lay in his 
house last night, and the Calfe had eaten 



him 



Coimtrie.] 



Moderne Jests. 



321 



him up all save the legges. To this 
lamentable spectacle they come all 
amazed, but most astonish'd when they 
beheld the prodigie apparant before their 
eyes : wherefore to prevent the like, or 
a greater mischiefe, they call for more 
ayde, raise more Neighbours, and arm- 
ing themselves with such weapons as 
came next to hand, with joynt consent 
they assault the poore beast, and kill 
him : attributing as much to their valour 
in slaying the weake calfe, as Hercules 
might challenge in the death of the 
Nemcean Lyon. 

Of two Travellours. 

/^NE Gentleman overtaking another 

on the way, upon an exceedingly 

leane horse, and with a great sword by 



Of two 
Travel- 
lours. 



2 S 



his 



322 



Witty Jeeres. 



[Part VI. 



his side, demanded the reason why he 
went so armed. The other answered, 
it was to defend his person, and to 
keepe off false knaves. But sir, sayd 
the former, it had beene better for you 
to have rid with Bow and Arrowes. 
The other willing to know his reason. 
Marry (saith he) to keepe away the Crowes, 
which are still waiting to prey upon the 
carrion you ride on. 



A Doctor 
and a 
Countrey 
fellow. 



A Doctor and a Countrey 
fellow. 

A COUNTREY man greviously tor- 
mented with a paine in his head, 
was councelled by his Physitian to take 
a Glister: which he no sooner heard, 
but notwithstanding his sickenes he laught 
out-right. The Doctor somewhat angry 



askt 



Countries 



Pleasant Taunts. 



323 



askt him what hee laught at. Why, 
saith he, that when my paine is in my 
head you should offer to give my taile 
Physicke. 



A Countrey fellow and his 
Wench. 

A COUNTREY fellow and his Sweet- 
heart that had long loved one 
another, on a time made their appointed 
meeting in a Parke ; and having chosen 
a convenient place for their privacie, he 
bid her lye downe, which shee refused 
to doe, unlesse he would throw her 
down. The bashfull fellow refused, & 
she appeared obstinate on the other 
side; insomuch that on these tearmes 
they were ready to depart : which the 
Wench perceiving, she bade him, if he 



A 

Countrey 
fellow a?id 
his 
Wench. 



would 



324 



Merry Tales. 



[Part VI 



would not throw her downe, but blow 
upon her, and she would fall downe ; 
which was instantly done. A Wood- 
man standing behind a tree, and observ- 
ing all these proceedings, suddenly rusht 
out upon them, saying, friend, by your 
favour you have nothing to doe here : 
for to me belong all the windfalls in this 
Forrest. 

Of an Egge. 

Of an A PROMOOTER very curious to see 

Egge. y~\ 

fasting dayes observed, came to 
a house in Lent time, & found the 
Family with Egges before them on the 
Table ; whereat he seemed much dis- 
pleased. Why (saith one of them) Egges 
are lawfull to be eaten, they are not 
flesh. Not flesh, quoth he, I will make 



it 



Con u trie.] 



Moderne Jests. 



325 



it appeare to you all, they are no other. 
I have a Henne that now sits, any of 
you bring me an Egge, and marke it, 
and I will make it apparant unto you, 
that the very Egge shall be flesh, blood, 
and bone. Saith a boy standing by, I 
will bring you a new-laid Egge within 
this houre, and marke it, to try the con- 
clusion. Away he goes, fetches an Egge, 
gives it a knowne marke, and delivers it 
to the party, hee sets it under his Henne ; 
the time comes that the rest were 
hatched, but this not : Law yee now 
(said the boy) I told you so ; but, re- 
plied the other, the Egge proved addle, 
yet I will shew thee a Chicken, though 
it came not to perfection : with that 
presently breaking it, and finding it to 
be hard : Thou Knave, saith he, why 
this is a sodden Egge. Very right, quoth 



the 



326 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part VI. 



the Lad, and wee never eate them other- 
wise in our house, but either roasted or 
sod. 



A 

Countrey 
boy and a 
Cuckold. 



A Countrey boy and a Cuckold. 

A COUNTREY Farmer branded for a 
notorious Cuckold, the boyes and 
girles in the streets as hee passed by, 
would whisper among themselves, and 
say, Gaffer, such a one weares homes. 
Upon a time a simple Lad of the towne 
passing by him, made a sudden stand, 
and looked very wishly in his face. 
Why, how now sirrah, quoth the Farmer, 
didst thou never see a man before ? 
why dost thou stare so in my face ? 
Truely Gaffer for no hurt, answered the 
boy, but because every body sayes you 
weare homes in your forehead, and in- 
deede I can see none. 



Of 



Countries] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



327 



Of a Sheriff e and a Baker. 

A T an Execution, one onely man be- 
ing to be hang'd, no Hangman 
could be got for love or money, inso- 
much, that unlesse the Sheriffe will un- 
dertake the office, the Prisoner can not 
suffer. A Countrey Baker riding by, by 
chance, to the next Market, the Sheriffe 
calls him, and tells him if he will play 
the Hangman, hee will give him halfe a 
Crowne. Halfe a Crowne ? saith he, how 
many are there of you ? the Sheriffe told 
him but one ; the businesse would be 
soone dispatch'd, if he would undertake 
it. By no meanes (replyed the Baker), 
but if I shall hang you all at that rate, 
I am content, for then it will amount to 
something. 



Of a 
Sheriffe 
and a 
Baker. 



328 



Merry Tales. 



\_Part VI. 



A Passen- 
ger in a 

Tempest. 



A Passenger in a Tempest. 

A MIGHTY tempest arising, and 
many of the Passengers betaking 
themselves to their devotions ; one was 
observed, to feede greedily on salt meat : 
and being asked why he did so : marry, 
saith he, because this day / am to drink 
more than I have done at any one time, 
all the dayes of my life. 



A Woman Beaten by her 
husband. 



A Woman 
Beaten by 
her hus- 
band. 



A COUNTREY fellow that had mar- 
ried an idle Housewife, upon a 
time comming from his labour, and find- 
ing her sit lazing by the fire, as her 
custome was, hee tooke a holly wande, 
and began to cudgell her soundly : the 



woman 



Countrie.] 



Moderne Jests. 



329 



woman cryed out aloud, and said, alas 
husband what doe you meane ? you see 
I doe nothing, I doe nothing. I marry, 
wife, saith he, I know it very well, and 
for that reason I beate thee. 

Of Frying Bacon. 

\ JUSTICE of Peace bearing a spite 
to a Countrey fellow, had a curious 
eye over him, to take him in one trap 
or other. At length one of his Intelli- 
gencers brought him word, that hee found 
him sitting in an Alehouse, frying of 
Bakon. O Traytour ! saith he ; here is 
my warrant, seek out an Officer, serve it 
upon him presently, and without bayle or 
Maine-prise carry him to prison. His 
authority was obeyed, and there the 
poore man lay, till the next generall 



Of Frying 
Bacon. 



2 T 



Assises 



330 Witty Jeeves. [Part VI. 



Assises : then amongst other great of- 
fenders, it came to this fellowes turne to 
be called to the Barre : when the Judge 
asked him what his offence was, and 
why he was committed ? The poore man 
answered, for nothing else, but for frying 
of Bacon. The Judge was somewhat 
startled at his answer, and askt who had 
committed him. The Justice presently 
rising up, told him he was the man, ag- 
grivating the offence, and affirming that 
in so doing, he had committed felony 
by the statute. The Judge asking him 
by what Statute, for it was beyond either 
his reading or knowledge : he told him 
by such a Statute, made in the yeare of 
the Reigne, of such a King. The Judge 
desirous to be instructed in a point of 
Law, which he never heard of before, 
commanded the Statute Booke to be 

brought, 



Countries 



Pleasant Taunts. 



331 



brought, and the Clarke of the Peace 
to reade it openly ; where it was found, 
that the fyring of a Beacon, &c. was in 
such and such degrees punishable. Those 
which before wondred, now laughed out- 
right ; the Justice was flouted ; the poore 
man acquitted ; and ever since it hath 
beene lawfull to eate fryed Bacon with- 
out prejudice to any Statute. 



A Gentleman, that having 
buried his Wife, through 
grief e died soone after. 

O HE first deceased, he for a little 

trfd 
To live without her, liked it not, & dfd. 



A Gentle- 
man, that 



buried his 
Wife, 
through 
grief e died 
soone 
after. 



Of 



332 


Merry Tales. {Part VI 




Of a Gleaner of Come. 


Of a 

Gleaner of 
Come. 


/^~\NE meeting a Boy that had beene 
gleaning with a heavie burthen 




of Wheate on his head, insomuch that 




hee stagger'd under it : Alas poore Boy ! 


; 


(saith he) his eares are so heavy, they 




make his head ake. 




On a Butcher that married a 




Tanners Daughter was writ 




this Disticke. 


On a 
Butcher 
that 

married a 
Tanners 
\ D alight er 
was writ 
this 
Disticke. 


A FITTER match than this hath 
never beene. 
For now the Flesh is married to the 
Skinne. 


A 



Countrie.] 



M oder ne Jests. 



333 



A Gentleman and a Chamber- 
laine. 

A GENTLEMAN well tipled over 
night, had stolne from his com- 
pany to bed, before the Chamberlaine 
had laid it downe, and for haste turned 
up both the sheets at once, sleeping so 
all night betwixt them & the feather- 
bed. But waking early in the morning, 
finding the mistake, and not remem- 
bring his owne errour, hee knockt for the 
Chamberlaine ; who was no sooner come, 
but he called him Villaine, and Rascall, 
with many base and reproachfull tearmes, 
saying, Looke here Knave, was ever guest 
of quality thus used ? see, if in making 
my bed, thou hast not laid both the 
sheetes above. The fellow made answer. 



A Gentle- 
man and 
a Cham- 
berlaine. 



It 



334 



Witty Jeeres. 



{Part VI. 



it was not the fashion in their house, to 
lay one of the sheets above the bed, and 
the other under it. 



A 

Countrey 
mans 
answer to 
his Land- 
lord. 



A Countrey mans answer to 
his Landlord, 

HTHE Lord of the Mannor preparing 
to build, had occasion to use many- 
Carts in his worke. Wherefore he sent 
as well unto his neighbours, as his 
Tenants, imploying their Teames and 
Waynes to their no small charge and 
trouble. At length, in close of the 
businesse, hee invited them all to supper, 
having two tables in the Hall, but some- 
thing unequally furnish'd ; and when hee 
had bid them welcome, neighbours and 
friends, saith hee, I thanke you all : 
such of you as have helped me in my 



worke 



Countries] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



335 



worke for love, take your places at that 
boord ; but you that expect money, sit 
at the other. They did accordingly, 
every man as he was disposed : onely 
one plaine fellow walking betweene the 
two Tables ; which the Master of the 
house seeing, asked him why he did not 
as the rest did. Hee answered, because 
there was no place for him. And why 
so ? quoth the Gentleman. Marry, re- 
plyed the Farmer, you have provided 
a table for them that come for mony, 
another for them that come for love ; 
and to deale plainely with your worship, 
I came neither for love, nor money ; 
but onely for feare, because I durst doe 
no otherwise. 



Of 



336 



Merry Tales. 



[Part VI 



Of a man 
and his 
wife that 
had beene 
false to 
each other. 



Of a man and his wife that 
had beene false to each other. 

/I MAN and wife (it seemes) of like 

condition, 
Diseased in minde, without helpe of 

Physitiatiy 
Or Doctor would prescribe themselves a 

Dyet. 

wife ! quoth he, my braine is not in 

quiet. 

1 have a push that's bred I know not 

how, 
Which came by pricking first into my 

brow. 
To whom she answered, husband, grieve no 

more ; 
I have a Night-cap for your head in 

store, 

Of 



Countrie.'] Modeme Jests. 337 


Of mine owne making, which if neatly 




worm, 




The like, I know, your betters doe no 




scome. 




He was both eas'd and pleas' d ; she then 




beginnes 




To make complaint, and say, husband my 




shinnes 




Are not by you (I finde) so often rubUd, 




As they zvere wont, I feare that I am 




duUd. 




I well perceive you love me now by halves : 




For you neglect my shinnes, to scratch my 




calves. 




She laught, he smiVd: this was not long 




disputed, 




Till knowne, he 'had Cucquean'd her, she 




him Cornuted. 




2 u A 



338 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part VI. 



A 

Countrey 
fellow 
going to 
vindicate 
his 

Fathers 
credit. 



A Countrey fellow going to 
vindicate his Fathers credit. 

A YEOMANS sonne hearing some of 
his companions, speake hardly of 
his father, and thinking to clear his re- 
putation, said, well sirs, you talke you 
know not what, though I say it, that should 
not say it, my Father is an honest man. 



A 

Countrey 
man and 
his 
Landlord. 



A Countrey man and his 
Landlord. 

A SSES are very rare in some parts 
of this land ; now a Countrey 
man being none of the wisest, at the 
renewing of his lease was bound to 
present his Land-lord with a handsome 
Colt, which might prove of sufficient 



stature. 



Countries] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



339 



stature. Wherefore seeking one for his 
turne, he light on a young Asses colt, 
bargain'd with the owner, and came and 
presented it to his Land-lord. The 
Gentleman no sooner saw him, but 
greatly offended, he said Friend, thou 
owest me by covenant such a young 
beast as may in time become a large 
and faire horse for my use, and what 
a small tit hast thou brought me? Nay 
good Land-lord, quoth the fellow, finde 
no fault with his growth ; for if the 
rest of his body grew but according to 
the length of his eares, / make no ques- 
tion, but he will prove the tallest Gelding 
in the countrey. 



Of 



340 



Merry Tales. 



[Part VI. 



Of a 

Parson 
and a 
sicke man. 



Of giving 
the lye. 



Of a Parson and a sicke man. 

A COUNTREY Parson' visiting one 
of his sicke Parishioners ; amongst 
many other comfortable words, bade him 
be of good cheare, for this day he 
should be carried into Paradise. O Mr. 
Parson (quoth the silly sicke man) you 
speake comfortably that I shall be car- 
ried to Paradise : for if the way be 
any thing long, I am so faint, that upon 
my legges, I shall never be able to reach 
thither. 



Of giving the lye. 

/^vNE countrey fellow falling out with 
another, gave him the lye, which 
stirr'd his patience very much ; but find- 
ing himselfe not able to grapple with 

him, 



Countrie. 



Modeme Jests. 



34 1 



him, he denyed his words againe ; yet 
that can not serve his turne, the other 
vowes revenge, and urges him so farre ; 
that vext beyond all marke of patience, 
He cryed out, thou lyest in thy throat and 
guts, to say that I gave thee the lye. It 
is well (replyed the other) if you did 
not : and with that was satisfied. 



Of businesse to no end. 



1 



N the latter end of Queene Elizabeths Ofbusi- 

i nesse to no 

raigne, there was a great rumor of end. 



an invasion, and mustering both horse 
and foote about London, insomuch that 
the Realme was terribly affrighted : but 
all comming to nothing, a Countrey 
Gentleman then in London, asked a 
friend of his to what end all that 
mustering- in Loudon and Middlesexe was. 



To 



342 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part VL 



To what end ? quoth the other. Why, 
to Myle-end : for there indeede was the 
generall Muster. And to what end, 
saith hee, were all the Barges and 
Lighters sent downe from London to 
stoppe the passage of the Thames ? To 
what end ?' replyed he : to Graves end. 
I but (saith the Gentleman) to what 
end was the hurly burly by land and 
water ? To what end ? quoth the other : 
marry, as farre as I can tmderstand, to 
no end. 



A 

Country 
man and 
his Hogge. 



A Country man and his Hogge. 

[T is a neighbourly fashion in some 

places, where any one kills a Hogge, 

to invite divers that dwell neare him to 

eate part thereof: this was observed till 

it went round. But one more penurious 



than 



Countrie.] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



343 



than the rest, though he had feasted 
with them, was unwilling to invite them : 
Wherefore advising with his friend, how 
he might spare that cost, his friend 
wished him to give out that his Hog 
was stolne, and be sure to act his part 
well : the good man was well pleased 
with this conceit, and intended to put 
it in practise. But so it hapned, that 
the very night before his guests should 
be invited, his hogge was stolne indeede. 
Which he in the morning missing, 
presently repaired to his friend to 
acquaint him with the newes, saying 
with a loud clamour that his hogge was 
stolne. His friend smiling, replied, tis 
very well done Gossip, now I perceive 
you follow my Counsell. I but, saith 
the other, wringing his hands, my Hog 
is stolne indeed : true, answered he, did 



344 



Merry Tales. 



[Part VI. 



T 



Of seeing 

the 

Winde. 



I not bid you say so ? none living 
could better have counterfeited it. And 
when the old Chuffe persevered with 
oaths and clamours, that it was a cer- 
taine truth : hee still answered better 
; and better ; doe but continue this pas- 
sion, and no doubt, all your neighbours 
will easily beleeve you. 

Of seeing the JVinde. 

n^WO Country fellowes meeting, one 
askt the other, what newes ? he 
i answered, he knew no other newes, but 
that he saw a great winde last Friday. 
See a winde ! quoth the other : I prethee 
what was it like ? Marry (saith he) it 
was like to have blowne downe my house. 



Countrie.'] 



Moderne Jests. 



345 



A Drunk- 
ard and a 
Signe- 

fost. 



A Drunkard and a Signe-post. 

* I ^WO Country men keeping company 
till night, one of their heeles were 
lighter than his head ; and going under 
a Signe-post, he lifted his legge very 
high, the other asked why he did so : he 
told him, it was to goe over the stile, 
and pointed to the Signe. Thou foole, 
replyed his friend, it is a Signe. A 
Signe ! quoth hee, what Signe ? Marry, 
answered he againe, a signe thou art 
terribly drunke. 

A Man and a Maide betrothed. 

A YOUNG Man and a Maide lately 

betrothed, were brought before a 

Justice of Peace for their too suspitious 

familiaritie. The Justice at their first ap- 

2 x pearance 



A Man 
and a 
Maide 
betrothed. 



34^ 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part VL 



pearance rated the young man soundly, 
and said, sirrah, I charge thee to tell me 
truely what that Houswife is, that is now 
irt thy company. Why Sir, quoth hee, 
shee is my wife before God. What dost 
thou sweare ? said the Justice, Lay downe 
thy twelve pence, I will not bate thee a 
farthing token. 



A Queru- 
lous 
Daughter. 



A Querulous Daughter. 

\ N indulgent Father had marryed his 
daughter to a Gentleman of good 
qualitie and estate ; yet the peevish 
Girle could not content her selfe with 
her husbands kind usage, but upon every 
occasion would complaine of him to her 
Father : insomuch that she tyred him 
with her importunities : But hee still 
gave her good counsell to keepe home, 



and 



Countries 



Pleasant Taunts. 



347 



and please him, whom hee knew to be 
of a gentle nature, and well condition'd. 
A while after her husband (not able to 
breake her humour) since faire meanes 
would doe no good, handled her more 
roughly, and not able to containe him- 
selfe, strucke her. She presently with 
her finger in her eye ranne home to her 
father, and told him (aggravating the 
matter as well as shee could) how her 
husband had beat her. The old man* 
that knew, and was willing to reforme 
his daughters peevish disposition, having 
then a wand in his hand, fell upon her 
shoulders, and belaced her tightly, say- 
ing commend me to thy good man, and 
tell him I am now sufficiently reveng'd 
on him : for I have cudgeWd his Wife as 
soundly j as hee hath beat my Daughter. 
With which could comfort shee departed, 



made 



348 



Merry Tales. 



{Part VI. 



Of one 

onely 

Pocket 

Sermon. 



made peace with her husband, and never 
complained to her Father after. 

Of one onely pocket Sermon. 

A K I N D of a Mendicating Divine, 
who had but one onely Sermon, 
yet that a very good one, travelled the 
countrey with it : and so it hapned, that 
having got leave to preach in a Country 
towne, just as he was in the middle of 
his prayer, he espied seven or eight of 
the same Village where he had preached 
last Sonday, enter the Church. Where- 
fore bethinking himselfe how hee might 
make the best of it. When his Prayer 
was ended, hee read another text, and 
said Dearely beloved, I have read you a 
text here, of which I purposed this day 
to preach ; but it was my fortune the 

last 



Countries 



Moderne Jests. 



349 



last Sabboth to preach a Sermon not far 
of, (naming the towne) in which (as I 
understand) I have beene taxed of false 
doctrine : now because I see some of 
that towne in this place, as well to give 
them satisfaction, as also you of the 
Parish here assembled, / will deliver unto 
you the same Sermon, upon the same text, 
as neare as I can Verbatim. Which he 
accordingly did, (not knowing how to doe 
otherwise) and so came of with credit. 



A Parson to his Sweet- 
heart. 

]\/fy Person is divine, 
My Parsonage fat and 
faire ; 

Come joy ne thy love with mine. 
We'll make a loving paire. 



A Parson 
to his 
Sweet- 
heart. 



Answer. 



350 


Witty Jeeves. {Part VI. 




Answer. 




Yotir person is divine. 




Your parsonage during life : 




And when the Parson's gone, 




Whoope ! zvhere's the Parsons 




zvife. 




Vpon a Welchman. 


Vpon a 
Welch- 
man. 


/I WELCHMAN comming late into 
an Inne, 




He askt the Maid what victuals was 




within. 




Two Cow-heeles said she, and a breast of 




Mutton : 




But quoth the Welchman, since I am no 




glutton, 




Either of them shall serve: to night the 




Brest, 


The 



Countries 



Pleasant Taunts. 



351 



The Heeles itJi morning, then light meate 

is best. 
Ore night he tooke the Brest, and did not 

pay : 
Itti mome he tooke his heeles, and ramie 

away. 



An ignorant mistake. 

A COUNTREY fellow being call'd as 
witnesse about a peece of land in 
controversie, saith the Judge to him : 
Friend, how doe you call the water that 
runnes on the South side of such a 
Close ? My Lord (quoth the fellow) our 
water comes without calling. 



An igno- 
rant mis- 
take. 



Of 



352 



Merry Tales. 



{Part VI. 



On a pre- 
tended 
Rape. 



Of a pretended Rape. 

A WENCH accusing a fellow for a 
Rape, the Judge asked her, whether 
he offered her any violence, as to bind 
her, or the like. Yes, saith she, hee 
bound my hands ; and he would have 
bound my legges too, but hee could 
not : I thanke God, / kept them farre 
enough asunder. 



A hungry Jest. 

a hungry A PEICE of stinking meate comming 

to the Table, one that was hungery 

sayd : Nay it is not your stinking shall 

serve your turne. I will be on the bones 

of you sure enough. 



A 



Countries 



Modeme Jests. 



353 



A Carters reply to a Lawyer. 

r I ^WO Lawyers riding on the high way, 
for want of better imployment, 
would needes Jeere a Country fellow as 
he was driving his Cart ; and to begin 
one of them asked him, why his fore- 
horse was so fat and all the rest so 
leane. Know you not that ? sayd the 
Carter. I will tell you. My fore-horse 
is a Lawyer, and all the rest that follow 
him are Ids Clients. So these Lawyers 
met with their match. 



A false hearted Woman. 

A GENTLEWOMAN of meane 

fortunes having married a Knight 

of a great estate, both for his person, 

parts, and every respect worthy of a 



2 Y 



A Car- 
ters reply 
to a 
Lawyer. 



A false 
hearted 



better 



354 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part VI. 



Of a 

Welch 
Deacon 
reading 
the Comi- 
nations or 
Curses. 



better woman, she notwithstanding en- 
tertained a sweete-heart ; and being with 
him one day in private (as she thought) 
and out of hearing of any bodies eares 
but their owne, she made great protesta- 
tion of sincere love and affection to him. 
But the Knight her husband by chance 
being within, and overhearing her, sayd : 
Beleeve her not sir, beleeve her not: for 
she hath often told me as much, but your 
selfe can witnesse how false I finde her ; 
the Gentleman went away and never 
would see her after. 

Of a Welch Deacon reading 
the Cominations or Curses. 

\ WELCH Vicar being to reade the 

curses (as the custome is) upon 

Ash- Wednesday, and the people to say 

Amen, 



Coimtrie.~\ 



Pleasant Taunts. 



355 



Amen, turning over the leafe, and find- 
ing them to be many, say'd, Dearely be- 
loved brethren, I am to reade here a 
great many curses to you, but because 
I am loath to trouble my self and your 
patience, I will end them all in one : 
The Curse of God light upon you all, 
Amen. 



Of two men roUd, and bound 
by theifes. 

TT was my fortune by a Wood to ride 
And finde two men, their amies be- 
hinde them tyde: 
The one lamenting what did them befall, 
Cry'de Fme undone, my wife and chil- 
dren all. 
The other hearing it aloude did cry, 
Undoe me then, let me no longer lye. 



{ Of two 
a -men rob'd, 

and 

bound by 
I 1 theifes. 



But 



356 



Merry Tales. 



[Part VI. 



But to be plaine, those men which there I 

found, 
Were both undone indeede, yet both fast 
bound. 

Of a Major and his Serjeants. 

°f a T N an Eminent Corporation of this 

Major 

and his Kingdome, a witty Gentleman being 

Serjeants. \ 

chosen Major, the Serjeants came to him, 
desiring they might have such things to 
accommodate them, as they before used 
to have, as Gownes and the like : for 
| which (they sayd) they could shew presi- 
dent. Gownes ? saith he : and will not 
coates serve the turne ? They told him 
no ; for they expected the custome of 
the Citty, for which (as they sayd before) 
they could pleade president. Nay then, 
replyed the Major, I can cut of that un- 



necessary 



Coimtrie.'] 



Moderne Jests. 



357 



necessary charge by President too ; so 
calling for a decke of Cards, and picking 
out the Courtiers ; looke you here my 
friends, saith he, this is my president : 
you see here the foure Kings (as it is 
fitting) are in Gownes ; and the foure 
Queenes are in Gownes also : but the 
foure knaves are all in short coates, and 
that is the habit most proper, and tvill 
best become yon. 



Of a Farmer and a Baker. 



A 



COUNTRY Baker that used to j o/a 

I Farmer 

ride abroade, and leave his bread 



amongst his customers, came to a Far- 
mers house, where having left on the 
Table what he thought fitting, he fained 
an excuse to goe into the Yard, and 
comming where three or foure fat Geese 



and a 
Baker. 



were 



358 



Witty Jeeves. 



[Part VI. 



were in a Pen, thinking that no body- 
can see him, he cuts the throate of the 
best of them, flings her into his basket ; 
then up he gets, and away hee rides. 
All which the Goodman of the house 
looking through a window espied, and 
called aloud after him, Baker, Baker. 
The Baker answered nothing but I will, 
I will, and so posted away as fast as he 
could gallop. Upon this the Farmer 
serves him with a Warrant and brings 
him before a Justice. To be short, the 
Baker confesseth the having of the 
Goose ; then the Justice askes what is 
become of her. Marry (saith he) I dis- 
posed of her, as this Farmer, my friend, 
appointed mee. How fellow as I ap- 
pointed thee, replyed the Farmer ? Make 
that appeare before Mr. Justice. Why 
thus, saith he, having the Goose, I knew 



no 



Countries] 



Pleasant Taunts. 



359 



no way ith' world how to dispose of her, 
till at length as I was musing with my 
selfe, he cry'd out as loude as he could 
ball, Baker, Baker : when I knew his 
minde I did so, and bak'd she was, I 
still expecting when he would come to the 
eating of her. The Farmer grew into 
choller ; but the Justice for the Jests 
sake, tooke up the matter betwixt them. 



Of two Countrey fellowes. 



T 



WO Countrey fellowes in a Barne Of two 

Countrey 

spying a Cow -turd on a high 



beame, saith one of them, I wonder how 
that should come there. And so doe I 
quoth the other: it troubles me to thinke, 
whether the beame came downe into tJie 
flower, or whether the Cow got up to . the 
beame, and layd it there. 



fellowes. 



Of 



360 



Merry Tales. 



[Part VI. 



Of a Miller, a Country man, 
his wife and his Mayd. 



A 



COUNTRY man sent his Maide to 
the Mill with a grist : where, the 



Of a 

Miller, a 
Country 
■man, his \ 

wife and i Miller seeing her to be a young smug 

his Mayd. \ 

lasse, kist her, and gave her a clap it 
seemes more than shee lookt for: the 
Wench comming home, had nothing in 
her mouth, but Here was a Miller with 
all my heart. At which her dame won- 
dring, shee would needs goe her selfe the 
next time. But the Miller serving her 
as he had served her maide, she came 
home in the same tone and tune, saying 
nothing, but here zvas a Miller with all 
my heart! the good man amazed to finde 
them both in one and the same Key, 
would needes take the third course to 

finde 






Countrie.] 



Moderne Jests. 



361 



finde out the Mistery: when giving the ; 
Miller some harsh words, he fell about 
his eares, and beate him soundly. This 
done, the poore fellow came home well 
knock'd, sate him downe in his chaire, 
and sayd to himselfe, here was a Miller 
with all my heart! which the wench : 
over - hearing, ranne to her dame, and 
told her of it ; adding withall, I doe not 
think, but just as the Miller hath served 
you and me, so he hath done to my Master. 



On M. Little, Major of 
Abington. 

/°vNE M. Little, Major of Abington, 
bearing a spite to a man in the 
towne, upon a time pickt a hole in his 
coate, and committed him to prison. 
Now it seemes that Michaelmas is the 



2 z 



OnM. 
Little, 
Major oj 
Abington. 



time 



362 



Witty Jeeves. 



{Part VI. 



time of Gaole delivery there for petty 
offences, and the time when the old 
Major is to relinquish his office, and a 
new one to be chosen. Wherefore when 
his friends came about him, commiserat- 
ing his case, the old pleasant fellow 
went merrily on, singing, 

When Michaelmas is come y 

and I shall be set free. 
He care as little for Little, 

as Little doth care for me. 



On a 
Welch- 
man Ar- 
raigned. 



On a Welchman Arraigned. 

A WELCHMAN having broke a house 

to steale 
Some Cheese y is caught : his Worship 

scornes the Gaole. 
Ods-pluti'a-nailes wil you not take her 

word f 



Her 



Countries 



Pleasant Taunts. 



3^3 



Her great Gran-father was a Prittish 

lord. 
Her scorne to steale, her only came to 

borrow 
A sheese or two, and her will pay to 

morrow. 
His swaggering would not serve the turne, 

but he 
Committed was to gaole ; where he did 

lye 
Till Sisses next : his accusation read. 
They ask'd him if he guilty were ? he 

sayd, 
Will you peleive her word, or will you 

not ? 
The Judge sayd T y if true ; why then, by 

got, 
Her is not guilty. But y as custome goes, 
He askes by whom he will be trtfd, & 

shews 



The 



364 



Merry Tales. 



{Part VI. 



The order of the Lawes how he must be 
Try'd by 12. ho7test able men. Quoth he 
Must her be try'd by 1 2. goot honest men ? 
Her will be try'd by tK 12 Apostles then y 
Pest dozen that her know. The Plain- 

tiffes say 
The 12. Apostles, till the judgement day, 
Will not be seene, nor spoke withall, and 

none 
Can tell how long 'twill be, ere that day 

come. 
Long? qd the Welchman, pray you hold 

their tongue. 
Hers not in hast, but her can stay so 

long. 



FJNJS. 



APPENDIX. 



ARCHY'S DREAM. 

REPRINTED, BY THE KIND PERMISSION OF DAVID LAING, 
ESQ., LL.D., FROM A COPY IN HIS POSSESSION. 



3 A 



Archy s Dream, 

SOMETIMES 

lefter to his Maieftie, 

but exiled the Court by 

Canterburies malice. 

With a relation for whom an odde chaire flood 

voide in Hell. 




Printed in the yeare 1 64 1 



Archy's Dream, fome- 

times lefter to his Maieftie: but 

exiled the Court by Canterburies malice. 

With a relation for whom an odde 

Chaire flood voyde 

in Hell. 

HE briefe reason of Archy's banishment was 

this. 

A Noble man asking what he would doe 

with his handsome daughters, hee replyed he 
knew very well what to doe with them, but hee had sonnes 
which he knew not well what to doe with ; hee would gladly 
make Shollers of them, but that he feared the Arch-Bishop 
would cut off their eares. 

Why I was exiled from Court having my jesting coate 
pluckt off, few men are ignorant of, neither doe I much 
care who knowes of it, in so much as my Antigonist hath 
now no power to apprehend them ; if they should vouchsafe 
a blundering murmour in my behalfe, my name is as famous 
abroad, as hee infamous : I would not have his litle Grace 
know so much if he were in authority at Lambeth, house 
now, for the price of a paire of new shooes eares and all. 




The 



370 Appendix. 



The Authour. 

Most (ingenious) Archy, scarce more Mundane felicity- 
would I bee ambitious to inioy, than to arive at so happie 
a Haven of knowledge, by which sufficiently I might (with- 
out criticall censure) divulge thy witty, admirable parts : 
when thou wert sayling on the mayne Neptune was then 
ioyfull of so rare a burthen, and thought it unfit to carry 
a wrinkled front, but smiled upon the, as if he would have 
wooed thee to have been his companion, that thereby the 
watery Nymphs ; after their sports done, seeming pensive 
for their Metamorphosis, they might have beene infused 
with enforced alacrity ; but storming Boreas owing thee 
an ill office, broke prison, and in spight of Neptune Ship- 
wrackt the Pinnace which so long shee bore, and cast thee 
on a most unhappie shore. 

But yet now at length receive comfort, Boreas is im- 
prisoned, and Zephyrus with gentle gales doth blow, I 
am certaine well thou knowest it, I am sorry thou ever 
knevvst to the contrary ; for me thinke it should bee unfit 
to make thy Muse quce semper Iocosa fuit, which alvvaies 
was merry, goe with blubbard cheekes : but time which 
bringes all things to passe, hath brought him (thy ad- 
versary, I meane) into farre greater then ever thou wert 
in. Of whom not since thou dreamedst, which give me 
licence to declare unto all men which shall desire to 
know it. 

Archy 



Appendix. 37 1 



Archy (sometimes Iester to his Maiesty) was upon a night 
being prostrated upon his bed, (to take naturall rest,) very 
much troubled by meditating of the Arch -Bishop Lauds, 
unlawfull actions. First by thinking how hee being a clergy 
man, delighted in nothing but exactions and then anon of 
the unheard of mallice, hee bore aginst him ; thus long 
time tumbling, and tossing, upon his unquiet bed, at length, 
Morpheus, with his leaden maule arrested him, and then for 
a time was he still. But not long so, but he was disturbed 
in his sleep, and dreamed after this manner. 

The Dreanie. 

How that he was placed, on a pinnacle which reached 
farre above Phosbe's diocesse and a little below him, he saw 
a poore Scholler, which was delivering of a petition to one 
of the Starrs, which so soone as shee received it, caught a 
fall and so lost the Petition, upon which the Scholler was 
forst to descend for another petition, which he thought was 
presently done, but by that time he was lifted up into 
Phcebus his chariot, by the reason of which splendour, he 
could soone perceive any terrestiall creatures. But yet he 
could deceive the poore scholler, as any as high as Phcebus, 
to whom he delivered his petition, and shee to Phcebus, who 
tooke it, and read it, the contents were these. 

I the most unfortunate of the whole tribe of Levi, by 
spirituall assistance, have had the priviledge to declare my 
srrievances which are these. 



First 



372 



Appendix. 



First we are abused by such a flat cap citizen, who if he 
perceive one of us at one side of the way, hee will be sure 
to crosse over, on purpose to take the wall of him. Calling 
the scholler saucy rascall, if he but offer to withstand him. 

Secondly, those which are able to buy great personages, 
have them, although they have had never any nurture in 
an Academy, except out of a library of notes, borrowed of 
some old clarke, or other, which he in former time had 
gathered at severall places. 

Thirdly if we be not made of cannon proofe, wee are in 
danger of Episcopall censure. 

Fourthly, we must not preach more then the Arch- 
Bishop of Canterbury, William Latcd, will allow off. For 
feare of the forfeiture of our eares. From these and the 
like greevances, we most humbly desire great love to de- 
liver us. 

Which Petition was no sooner read, But Canterbury, 
was presented to my view, who looked more like a spirit 
come out of purgatory, then one ready, to receive the 
Papall diadem me thought I was straight, descended from 
Heaven to Hell, where I saw blind Bonner, and Woolsey 
dancing a galliard, whipt forward by a company of Hellish 
haggs, the three furies danced for females. Pluto set to 
see the pastime, behind whom set a company of men 
making chayres, who as fast as they made chayres they 
were filled, only on was set by for whom I asked, they 
answered for Laud; against he came thither, all which 
time were the three Arch - Priests dancing, but anon, I 



Appendix, 



373 



saw a company of people which preferred bills against 
Canterbury, why Rhadamant had the perusing, who passed 
his iudgement thus upon him saying. 

It is but fit that he against whom that bil was preferred, 
should be for ever banished Elizium because the law for 
his hainous offences did require the same, at which poore 
Canterbury quaked, and trembled; like a leafe ready to 
drop downe in Auttimne: upon whom Cerberus lookt very 
wishly that he might know when he saw him again, by and 
by me thought a troop of the chiefe Regents servants took 
him and bound him hand and foot, and so threw him into 
Carons boate, which the followers of Pluto, made such an 
horrible noise, which awaked mee: notwithstanding for a 
time I lay speachlesse, not knowing where I was, at length 
I came to my selfe, and so soone as I arose, I went to a noble 
friend of mine, and told him my dreame, who said to me. 
(that the day before) Canterbury was carried into the Towre 

For which Archy said he was very sorry, but could not 
cry: by this may a man perceive that though a man be 
never so Honorable, Puissant, Rich or Learned, yet if his 
vices Obnubilate his vertues, he shall not be respected, but 
farre more contemned and abhorred then if hee had never 
had such guifts bestowed upon him. Why there is at this 
time scarce a child in the street, but dares speake against 
him, which not long since no man durst speak a sillable 
against, but that it should have beene esteemed as pettie 
treason. 

But now the times are changed, and his pompe altered, 



3 B 



and 



374 Appendix. 



and hee now waites for a tryall which heretofore tryed so 
many. 

A Postscrip. 

You which the dreame of Archy now have read, 
Will surely talke of him when he is dead : 
He knowes his foe in prison whilst that hee 
By no man interrupted but goes free. 

His fooles coate now is far in better case, 
Then he which yesterday had so much Grace : 
Changes of Times surely cannot be small, 
When Jesters rise and Archbishops fall. 



INDEX. 



INDEX. 



Age, Degrees of, 35. 

Answer from a Jaques-farmer, 

239. 
Answere, A Modest, 264. 
Answere, Simple Fellowes, 143. 
Answere, Souldier-like, 85. 
Answer of Sweetheart to Parson, 

35o. 
Answere, The, 250. 
Answer, A Wise, 61. 
Answer, Wise and Witty, 41. 

,, 41- 
Answer, A Witty, 108. 
Answer, Witty, from a Court 

Lady, 51. 
Arche over-reach'd, 48. 
Atturney, Countery, 36. 

Bacon, Of frying, 329. 

Bakers Wife and her Sweetheart, 

275- 
Barbar, Of a, 229. 
Barber new married, 282. 
Bargaine in Smithfield, 218. 
Bed, Of one that kept his, 220. 
Beere, On Small, 140. 



Beggar, An Old, 308. 

Bellarmine confuted, 115. 

Bill, A Long, 55. 

Bishop and a Gentleman, 191. 

Bishop to his Serving-man, 53. 

Bonner, Bishop, 23. 

Boyes Answer to Queen Elizabeth, 

114. 
Burning of a Schoole, 122. 
Businesse to no end, 341. 
Butcher that married a Tanners 

Daughter, 332. 

Calfe, A, that was supposed to 
have eaten a Man, 319. 

Cambridge Schollers, Three, 142. 

Captaine to be arrested, 69. 

Captain, A Casheird, 65. 

Captaines, Salutation betwixt 
Two, 73. 

Captaines, Two Old, 67. 

Carters Reply to a Lawyer, 353. 

Censure in the Chancery, 51. 

Chandler, Of a, 209. 

Cheater, A, 178. 

Cheater, A, and a Tapster, 163. 



3C 



378 



Index. 



Cheesemonger, Of a, 160. 
Citizen, A Rich, and his Sonne, 

260. 
Citizen and his Wife, 220. 
Citizen, A Penurious, and his 

Prentise, 196. 
Clarke of a Church, 159. 
Cloake, Borrowing of a, 207. 
Cloake, A Short, 199. 
Coales (M.), and M. Billet, 136. 
Cobler in the Whyte Fryers, 223. 
Colledge-Cooke and a Young 

Scholler, 121, 
Collier that tooke Tobacco, 221. 
Companions, Two Ancient, 79. 
Company at Dinner, 236. 
Conceit, A Pretty, 291. 
Conceit to make up Rime, Pretty, 

47- 
Conceite of a Woman, 132. 
Constable, A Simple, 186. 
Coughing in ones Grave, 102. 
Counsellour and his Client, 153. 
Countrey Boy and a Cuckold, 

326. 
Countrey Fellow and his Wench, 

323- 
Countrey Fellow speaking of an 

Homily, 288. 
Countrey Fellow going to vindicate 

his Fathers Credit, 338. 
Countrey Fellowes, Two, 359. 
Countrey Gentleman and a City 

Barbar, 295. 
Countrey Gentlewoman going 

through Inns of Court, 52. 
Countrey Man and his Landlord, 

338. 
Countrey Mans Answer to his 

Landlord, 334. 



Countrey Man comming to en- 
quire after a Gentleman, 242. 

Countrey Man, Of a, 154. 

Country Fellow at a Gentlemans 
Table, 317. 

Country Fellow hunting with the 
King, 316. 

Country Gentleman coming to 
Court, 2. 

Country Man and his Hogge, 342. 

Court Lady, A, 1. 

Courtier, On a, 7. 

Cuckolds Homes, In what place, 
should grow, 219. 

Cuckold, A Woman called her 
Husband, neately, 267. 

Daughter, A Querulous, 346. 

Devill, One charming the, 226. 

Dice, Gentleman that played with 
False, 33. 

Doctor and a Countrey Fellow, 
322. 

Doctor and a Scholler, 112. 

Doctor of Physick and a Serving- 
man, in. 

Doctor of Physicke that lay sicke, 
118. 

Doctors Answer, no. 

Doctors Man, Of a, 95. 

Doctors of Physicke and a 
Chamber-pot, 281. 

Drawer, Jest put on a, 275. 

Drawer, A Sleepy, 185. 

Drinker, A Moderate, 113. 

Drunkard, A, 189. 

Drunkard and his Wife, 166. 

Drunkard and a Signe-post, 345. 

Drunken Mans Mistake, 262. 

Dwarfe, 19. 



Index, 379 


Early Rising, 134. 


Frenchmans Observations, 263. 


Eater, A Great, 157. 


Friend, Who the Surest, 38. 


Egge, Of an, 324. 


Friends, Two, falling out, 291. 


Elizabeth (Queen), entertained, 27. 


Friends, Two, well met, 62. 


Empericke and his Man, 183. 


Frieze Jerkings, 157. 


Enemies, Pretty Way to reconcile, 


Funerall Sermon, 131. 


78. 


Gallants, Roaring, 295. 


Englishman at a French Ordinarie, 


Gallowes, A Man on the, 165. 


162. 


Gardiner, Bishop, 106. 


English Man and French Man 


General, An English, to some of 


courting, 50. 


his Officers, 71. 


English Man in France, 56. 


Gentleman arrested, 298. 


Epigrame, An, 113. 


Gentleman and a Barbar, 155. 


Epitaph, An, 6. 


Gentleman and a Chamberlaine, 


Epitaph, An, 8. 


333- 


Epitaph, An, 100. 


Gentleman and a Citizen, 158. 


Epitaph, An, 120. 


Gentleman and a Constable, 184. 


Epitaph made on a Cobler, 204. 


Gentleman and a Drawer, 240. 


Epitaph made upon an Honest 


Gentleman, Fantasticke, 19. 


Cobler, 201. 


Gentleman knighted, 7. 


Epitaph upon a Scolding Woman, 


Gentleman knighted, 18. 


230. 


Gentleman and his Mistresse, 314. 


Eye, Man with One, 248. 


Gentleman and his Mistresse, On 


Face, Of a Red, 274. 


a, 10. 
Gentleman to his Mistresse, 38. 


Face painted, 21. 


Gentleman and a Parson, 106. 


Face painted, 22. 


Gentleman, A Tall, and a Low 


Farmer and a Baker, 357. 


Taylor, 187. 


Farmers Wife and her Sonne, 313. 


Gentleman and a Theefe, 301. 


Father and his Daughter, 302. 


Gentleman-Usher to fight a Duell, 


Fire and Toe, 206. 


83- 


Fire and Toe, 315. 


Gentleman visiting his Friend, 


Flatterer, On a, 5. 


202. 


Fooles, None but, refuse Money 


Gentleman, having buried his Wife, 


offered them, 266. 


died through griefe, 331. 


Foole, One begg'd for a, 22. 


Gentlemen, Two, falling out, 188. 


Fowle, Of one, a Gentleman, 17. 


Gentlemen at an Ordinary, 181. 


Fray, One that parted a, 217. 


Gentlemen at a Taverne, 171. 


Frederick (Emperour), and a 


Gentlemen in a Taverne, 290. 


Beggar, 30. 


Gleaner of Come, 332. 



380 Index. 


Gold, Of Light, 255. 


Justice of Peace and a Horse- 


Goose, Jest upon, a, 132. 


stealer, 297. 


Goose, King of Swedens, 36. 


Justice, Remarkeable Peece of, 


Goose, An Old, 70. 


3 r 7- 


Gray Hayres, 33. 




Greeting betwixt two Gentlemen, 


King a hunting, 13. 


245. 


Kitching, Epitaph on Mr., 117. 


Grocer that broke, 282. 




Gurmandizer, A, 190. 


Lady, Demure, 58. 




Land-lord and his Tenant, 307. 


Hobson, Old, the Carrier of Cam- 


Latine Verse, Old, made witty use 


bridge, 145. 


of, 141. 


Hobson's Epitaph, 147. 


Lawyer and a Constable, 279. 


Horse-courser, A, 216. 


Lawyer, Of a High-way, 311. 


Horse, A, and a Pecke of Oysters, 


Lawyer and his Taylour, 45. 


167. 


Lawyers and Souldiers, 127. 


Horse pissing into the River, 13. 


Little (M.), Major of Abington, 


Horse-stealer, A, 178. 


361. 


Horses to let, 256. 


Locksmith and his Wife, 284. 


Host, Good Advise of an, 247. 


Lucies Maintenance, 259. 


Hostesse, A Deafe, 181. 


Lye, A Cleanly, 180. 


House broke open, 218. 


Lye, Of giving the, 340. 


House, Reversion of a, 195. 


Lyer, A Desperate, 86. 


Inne-keepers, Two, 173. 


Madman in Bedlam, 259. 


Invitation to Dinner, 235. 


Major, A, of Oxford, 135. 




Major, A, and his Serjeants, 356. 


Jeare, A Witty, 287. 


Man and a Maide betrothed, 345. 


Jeaster, Jeast upon a, 194. 


Man and Wife that had beene false, 


Jest, A Hungry, 352. 


336. 


Jest, Knavish, 249. 


Marriage, Answer touching, 54. 


Jest returned, 278. 


Marriage, A Caveat for, 249. 


Jest, A, retorted, 227. 


Marriage, An Unequall, 231. 


Jest well retorted, 246. 


Marriner in a Storme, 72. 


Jest of the Sonne upon the Father, 


Marryed Man who had but One 


268. 


Eye, 82. 


Judge to a Client, 48. 


Masse, Of the, 141. 


Jury, A Corrupt, 293. 


Master of Arts, One created, 102. 


Justice, A, and a Bawde, 210. 


Master of Arts, A Young, 97. 


Justice, A, and his Man, 300. 


Master of a Ship, 306. 



Index. 381 


Match, A Hard, 271. 


Physiognomer, A, 122. 


Matrimony, Asking the Banes of, 


Physitian and a Farrier, 244. 


289. 


Pictures hanged, 9. 


Maurice, Grave, and Marquesse 


Pigge, A Stolne, 80. 


Spinola, 68. 


Plato's Yeare, 128. 


Metamorphosis of Fooles, 127. 


Playing with Words, 107. 


Miller, Country Man, Wife and 


Prentice, Of a, 182. 


Mayd, 360. 


Pretty Passage, A, 129. 


Mistake, An Easie, 287. 


Priest and a Patron, 137. 


Mistake, An Ignorant, 351. 


Principall, The, of an House, 94. 


Mistake, A Pretty, 277. 


Pumpe cut downe, being stopt 


Mistresse, A Lovely, 27. 


with Stones, 257. 


Moore-fields, On the Trees in, 




250. 


Question, Silly, 60. 


Names, Curtailing, 26. 


Rape, Pretended, 352. 


Nobleman in his Gallery, 2. 


Rape Roote, 14. 


Nobleman and Physitian, 29. 


Rome, One travelling to, 4. 


Nobleman and a Serving-man, 


Rosa, On, 37. 


43- 
Nose, One with a Great, 161. 


Salutation, A, 28. 


Nose, Of a very Red, 173. 


Saying, Noble and Wise, 39. 


Nose, A Wry, 205. 


Saylor, A Desperate, 73. 




Scholler's Devise,. A Young, 120. 


Office in reversion, 24. 


Scholler and a Dyer, 144. 


Old Man, How an, lost his Sonnes, 


Scholler married, 99. 


270. 


Scholler and his Sweetheart, 137. 


Ominous, The Word, 116. 


Scholler and a Townsman, 109. 


Oppressour, An, 205. 


Schollers and a Miller, Two, 131. 


Orders, One that came to take, 


Schollers, Two, 98. 


*39- 


Scoggens Conceit to the French 




King, 46. 


Painter, A Famous, n. 


Scold, On a, 253. 


Painter, An Unskilfull, 227. 


Scold, One that had a, to his Wife, 


Papist to be converted, 34. 


234- 


Papist and a Puritan, 155. 


Scotchman and his Mistresse, 304. 


Parson and a Sicke Man, 340. 


Scrivener and his Man, 222. 


Parson to his Sweetheart, 349. 


Scuffling, Two, in the Streete, 


Passenger in a Tempest, 328. 


165. 


Peter Martyr, 97. 


Sermon, One onely Pocket, 348. 



382 Index. 


Serving-man, Of a, 299. 


Traveller drowned, 109. 


Sheriffe, A, and a Baker, 327. 


Travelling, Of, 59. 


She-servant that came to take her 


Travellours, Two, 321. 


oath, 198. 


Truth, An Abominable, 16. 


Shift, A Pretty, 264. 


Truth, An Abominable, 75. 


Sicke Man, Of a, 303. 


Tutor and his Scholler, 93. 


Signe Post, Of a, 310. 


Tylers, Two, 254. 


Signes, The Twelve, 103. 




Souldier begging of a Scholler, 


Usher (Gentleman), that let a Fart, 


129. 


32. 


Souldier, A Drunken, 74. 


Usury, On, 206. 


Spanish Armado, Old Song on 


Usury, One that preached against, 


the, 87. 


294. 


Spanish Travellour, 301. 




Speech, Resolute, of one contemned 


Vintners Boy, 203. 


for Low Parentage, 84. 


Vintners, Five, 211. 


S. P. Q. R., 20. 




Steward, Nobleman's, 42. 


Wager of Eating, 66. 


Stratford upon Avon, 315. 


Wall, Two striving for the, 216. 


Swimming, Of, 197. 


Wall, Taking the, 26. 


Sword, A Little, 81. 


Weather, Cold, 126. 


Sword, A Sharpe, jj. 


Welch Deacon reading the Comi- 




nations or Curses, 354. 


Tall, A, Man and a Low Man, 


Welch Reader, A, 190. 


292. 


Welchman arraigned, 201. 


Taunt to a Lawyer, 61. 


Welchman arraigned, 241. 


Taverne reckoning, 183. 


Welchman arraigned, 362. 


Taylor, Jest upon a, 272. 


Welch-man that challenged the 


Taylors Retort upon the Draper, 


Field, 76. 


273- 


Welchman and a Cutpurse, 195. 


Taylour, A London, 269. 


Welchman to pay a Reckoning, 


Tenant, A, to the Archbishop, 


257- 


3°9- 


Welchman, Upon a, 350. 


Theifes, Two Men rob'd and bound 


Welchmen, Two, in a Robbery, 


by, 355- 


298. 


Thiefe, A Famous, 169. 


Wench belonging to Hollands 


Tobacco Man and his Wife, 285. 


Leaguer, 261. 


Tobacconistam, In, 251. 


Wench, A Handsome, and a 


Translator, Of a, 108. 


Justice, 179. 


Transposition of Letters, 40. 


Widdows, Two Old, 177. 



Wife, To chuse a, 6. 

Wife, One jealous of his, 225. 

Winde, Of seeing the, 344. 

Wine, Of, 200. 

Wits, Two, vying together, 243. 

Wittie put off, A, 39. 

Woman beaten by her Husband, 

328. 
Woman beating her Husband, 

253- 
Woman and her Confessour, 232. 



Woman, A False-hearted, 353. 

Woman, New-married, that called 
her Husband Cuckold, 252. 

Woman the Weaker Vessell, 248. 

Women, Of, 119. 

Women commending their Hus- 
bands, 265. 

Women, Two, scolding, 232. 

Women Writers, 60. 

Woodrofe, Dicke, and the Ser- 
geants, 237. 



FINIS. 



Murray &> Gibb, Edinburgh, 
Printers to Her Majesty's Stationery Office. 



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